Growing up, it seemed like the popular jocks and slutty tuba player with low self-esteem and a steady supply of butterscotch-flavored contraceptives always ditched health class during “Sexual Awareness Week.” Sure, the band geek didn’t miss anything that could help her stave off the last call vultures at her Tuesday night Burbank Community Center speed dating session, but some of the athletes could have used the life lessons. Here are the 10 biggest birth bandits who made it to the pros without passing go, collecting $200, or ever purchasing a condom.
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10. Charles Rogers, Unemployed (Former Number Two Overall NFL Draft Pick) - Five children with four different women
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After knocking up two separate women before leaving high school, it’s hard to imagine that five-star recruit Charles Rogers would end up spending the majority of his adult life on police reports and NFL “Where are they now?” specials. As one of the single most talented receivers in college football history, the 6-foot-3 wide receiver entered the NFL as a can’t-miss prospect that Matt Millen claimed would become the face of the Detroit Lions franchise (which, oddly turned out to be sort of true).
Much like Matt Millen (whose ironic new role analyzing college football players for ESPN is sort of like hiring the captain of the Hindenburg to be a safety consultant for U.S. Airways), Rogers was a complete and utter failure. He logged just 14 NFL games before leaving the league in 2005, just in time to collect his fifth mouth to feed and an arrest for passing out drunk at a Mexican restaurant in Michigan at three in the afternoon.
9. Larry Johnson, Charlotte Hornets (NBA/Family Matters) - Five children with four different women
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It’s remarkable that a man who was forced to dress up like an elderly woman in order to teach Eddie Winslow an important lesson about morality and nerd acceptance has such little respect for the whole “sex before marriage concept” that 22 percent of Missouri high school students called “the excuse I tell people when they ask why I’m still a virgin.”
Johnson is currently retired from basketball, but did express interest in returning to the New York Knicks in a "leadership role." Seems like a great idea, because what a franchise that specializes in luxury tax payments and sexually harassing employees needs right now is an aging lothario who looked at the script to Space Jam and thought, “I’m totally cool having fewer lines than Shawn Bradley and Elmer Fudd.” (Nothing but smart decisions from a man who lists “not getting that fat” on his list of post-career achievements.)
8. Marshall Faulk, St. Louis Rams (NFL) - Six children with at least four women
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Marshall Faulk must not have been paying attention during Kurt Warner’s annual “Just because Jesus loves you, doesn’t mean he approves of nailing every Cheesecake Factory waitress with a botched boob job and paternity lawyer on speed dial,” speech. Faulk, whose child support payments rival his career yardage, joined the NFL’s “frequent impregnator program” in the late 1990s and has been one of its most valuable members ever since. His commitment to casual sex and inability to decipher the complexities of condom use make him a first ballot shoe-in for the “Is That Kid Mine?” Hall of Fame (which for some inexplicable reason is directly next to the NBA head offices in New York).
7. Ray Lewis, Baltimore Ravens (NFL) - Six children with multiple women
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As the only Super Bowl MVP to have both family court and federal prison listed under the “favorites” tab of his GPS system, Ray Lewis has become the single most litigious athlete to ever be refused entrance into Disneyland after winning a Super Bowl. (Mickey Mouse wanted to get drunk and use Trent Dilfer as a wingman to score with the slutty Norwegian midget on the “It’s a Small World” ride, instead.)
After using the popular “you can’t technically prove it was me, and not my friend, who repeatedly stabbed that guy” defense to avoid a murder conviction in 2000, Lewis decided to devote his life to family and complaining about his quarterback, telling ESPN that he even sets aside an entire night every week to spend with two of the children whose names he can still remember. (Mostly because one of them is called Ray Lewis.)
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Call him what you will. “The Phallic Phenom,” “The Prophylactic Prodigy,” “The Knock Up Knock Out,” or simply “The Stork.” The only thing Antonio Cromartie (or as he’s known in paternity court – defendant AH12-1987) has more of than nicknames is illegitimate children. At just 25-years-old, the San Diego Chargers’ standout cornerback continues to show his preference to pigskin over sheepskin every time he visits a different NFL city.
However, before you go blaming Cromartie for his inability to "stop having children," there are a few important things to remember. For starters, Cromartie struggles with difficult coverage and is not so great in “preventative” defensive schemes both on and off the field. Secondly, allegations from a Florida State University tutor claimed that while playing for the Seminoles, Cromartie read at a second grade level, making it possible that he’s been confusing balloons and/or Kit Kat wrappers for condoms. Finally, there’s not a lot of people who like this guy (just ask the gentleman whose head he allegedly smashed a bottle over), so maybe he’s just increasing his fanbase one paternity suit at a time. Quite frankly, there are a lot of possible reasons as to why he’s on pace to father well over three dozen children.
5. Shawn Kemp, Seattle Supersonics (NBA) - Seven children with six different women (though recent reports claim it may be as many as 11)
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Even though he may not lead the NBA in paternity suits (or know how to spell the words “paternity” or “suit”), Shawn Kemp has established himself as the face of non-marital baby-making in professional basketball. The former all-star and current McDonald’s Filet-O-Fish-eating champion’s refusal to stop procreating has made him one of the most notable scumbags in the league and the subject of a heart-warming Sports Illustrated cover story titled “Where’s Daddy?” in the late 1990s.
His most talented son, Shawn Kemp Jr., is currently one of the top high school athletes in the country and has committed to play basketball for the University of Auburn next year. If he works hard, eats his vegetables, and refuses to wear a condom, the younger Kemp could grow up to father his own crop of illegitimate children before getting arrested on the side of a Washington highway with cocaine, 60 grams of marijuana, and a semi-automatic weapon – just like the guy who kind of raised him.
4. Jason Caffey, Chicago Bulls (NBA) - 10 children with eight different women
In 2004, the Milwaukee Bucks decided that giving Jason Caffey $11 million to not play for them was the best decision for a franchise that relied on an aging Toni Kukoc. In all fairness, everybody knows that Croatians hit their prime right around 37, though. (It’s almost like the Bucks thought that the massive panic attack Caffey was hospitalized over made him “less than clutch.”)
The early career exit did give Caffey time to focus on his true passion – impregnating random women, as the round mound of bed-pound notched enough illegitimate children to earn him a “failure to pay child support” arrest and brief cameo on Nancy Grace’s nightly “here’s-why-I-hate-men-athon.”
3. Evander Holyfield, Boxing - 11 children by an untold number of women
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As the only active athlete to appear on both The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and America’s Funniest Foreclosure Videos, Evander Holyfield has become one of the most iconic figures in professional boxing thanks to his tremendous work ethic and willingness to fight anybody for $13 and bus fare home. He sacrificed his ear, dignity, and majority of functioning brain cells for the sport, yet all he has left to show for it is two curling teams worth of illegitimate children and a promising career welcoming tourists to a Las Vegas Blvd adjacent Hometown Buffet.
2. Travis Henry, Denver Broncos (NFL/Colorado Penal System) - 11 kids with 10 different women
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Not the sharpest taco in the shed, Travis Henry never seemed to quite grasp the concept of safe sex or sobriety – living his life with a dedication to recklessness that Lindsay Lohan might call “a massive turn-on” if she wasn’t too busy cleaning dried vomit from the dusty mirror she keeps in the car she purchased with her Herbie the Lovebug residual checks.
As a former NFL running back who led the league in marijuana-related suspensions, it’s fair to say that “decision-making” and “not being a complete a**hole” weren’t high on Henry’s list of strengths at the 2001 NFL Draft. He collected his first failed marriage at 18, started his out-of-wedlock pregnancy streak shortly after, and had enough illegitimate kids to form an entire NFL defense by the time he turned 30. If only he didn’t get sentenced to a few years in prison for his role in a massive cocaine distribution syndicate in 2009, he may have been the only active NFL player to average more children-per-year than yards-per-carry.
Oh, and don’t let the math fool you. Henry didn’t actually sleep with the same woman twice. One of his transgressions resulted in twins.
1. Calvin Murphy, Houston Rockets (NBA) - 14 children with nine different women
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Do you know any syphilitic, one-legged meth-addicted hookers who like lighting things on fire and talking about commitment? If so, the Houston Rockets alumni association may have someone willing to violate her behind a T.G.I. Fridays while Vernon Maxwell films it.
Not only does former NBA star Calvin Murphy seem to be allergic and/or have a religious aversion to prophylactics, but he also appears to be willing to nail anything with a third grade understanding of room service and reproductive organs. The reigning champion of the baby momma Olympics would actually need to disown two of his children to get under the NBA maximum number of active players if he used his discarded offspring to form an expansion franchise. (Maybe the “Baltimore Bastards” or “Michigan Marital Mistakes?”)
The “and one” on Murphy’s slam dunk of impregnation may be the five different molestation cases launched by his daughters. Don’t worry, though, sports/paternal rape fans - he got off…
The NBA... Where Dreams Come True (provided of course your dreams involve divorce and public shame).
Honorable Mention: Karl Malone, who had his first illegitimate kid in college when knocked up a 13-year-old junior high school girl. He's sort of like the Kerry Wood of bastard creation. Blazing start to his career, but just didn't end on a strong note after getting stalled at three kids.