The Top 10 Athletes With the Most Illegitimate Children
Growing up, it seemed like the popular jocks and slutty tuba player with low self-esteem and a steady supply of butterscotch-flavored contraceptives always ditched health class during “Sexual Awareness Week.” Sure, the band geek didn’t miss anything that could help her stave off the last call vultures at her Tuesday night Burbank Community Center speed dating session, but some of the athletes could have used the life lessons. Here are the 10 biggest birth bandits who made it to the pros without passing go, collecting $200, or ever purchasing a condom.
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10. Charles Rogers, Unemployed (Former Number Two Overall NFL Draft Pick) - Five children with four different women
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After knocking up two separate women before leaving high school, it’s hard to imagine that five-star recruit Charles Rogers would end up spending the majority of his adult life on police reports and NFL “Where are they now?” specials. As one of the single most talented receivers in college football history, the 6-foot-3 wide receiver entered the NFL as a can’t-miss prospect that Matt Millen claimed would become the face of the Detroit Lions franchise (which, oddly turned out to be sort of true).
Much like Matt Millen (whose ironic new role analyzing college football players for ESPN is sort of like hiring the captain of the Hindenburg to be a safety consultant for U.S. Airways), Rogers was a complete and utter failure. He logged just 14 NFL games before leaving the league in 2005, just in time to collect his fifth mouth to feed and an arrest for passing out drunk at a Mexican restaurant in Michigan at three in the afternoon.
9. Larry Johnson, Charlotte Hornets (NBA/Family Matters) - Five children with four different women
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It’s remarkable that a man who was forced to dress up like an elderly woman in order to teach Eddie Winslow an important lesson about morality and nerd acceptance has such little respect for the whole “sex before marriage concept” that 22 percent of Missouri high school students called “the excuse I tell people when they ask why I’m still a virgin.”
Johnson is currently retired from basketball, but did express interest in returning to the New York Knicks in a "leadership role." Seems like a great idea, because what a franchise that specializes in luxury tax payments and sexually harassing employees needs right now is an aging lothario who looked at the script to Space Jam and thought, “I’m totally cool having fewer lines than Shawn Bradley and Elmer Fudd.” (Nothing but smart decisions from a man who lists “not getting that fat” on his list of post-career achievements.)
8. Marshall Faulk, St. Louis Rams (NFL) - Six children with at least four women
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Marshall Faulk must not have been paying attention during Kurt Warner’s annual “Just because Jesus loves you, doesn’t mean he approves of nailing every Cheesecake Factory waitress with a botched boob job and paternity lawyer on speed dial,” speech. Faulk, whose child support payments rival his career yardage, joined the NFL’s “frequent impregnator program” in the late 1990s and has been one of its most valuable members ever since. His commitment to casual sex and inability to decipher the complexities of condom use make him a first ballot shoe-in for the “Is That Kid Mine?” Hall of Fame (which for some inexplicable reason is directly next to the NBA head offices in New York).
7. Ray Lewis, Baltimore Ravens (NFL) - Six children with multiple women
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As the only Super Bowl MVP to have both family court and federal prison listed under the “favorites” tab of his GPS system, Ray Lewis has become the single most litigious athlete to ever be refused entrance into Disneyland after winning a Super Bowl. (Mickey Mouse wanted to get drunk and use Trent Dilfer as a wingman to score with the slutty Norwegian midget on the “It’s a Small World” ride, instead.)
After using the popular “you can’t technically prove it was me, and not my friend, who repeatedly stabbed that guy” defense to avoid a murder conviction in 2000, Lewis decided to devote his life to family and complaining about his quarterback, telling ESPN that he even sets aside an entire night every week to spend with two of the children whose names he can still remember. (Mostly because one of them is called Ray Lewis.)
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Call him what you will. “The Phallic Phenom,” “The Prophylactic Prodigy,” “The Knock Up Knock Out,” or simply “The Stork.” The only thing Antonio Cromartie (or as he’s known in paternity court – defendant AH12-1987) has more of than nicknames is illegitimate children. At just 25-years-old, the San Diego Chargers’ standout cornerback continues to show his preference to pigskin over sheepskin every time he visits a different NFL city.
However, before you go blaming Cromartie for his inability to "stop having children," there are a few important things to remember. For starters, Cromartie struggles with difficult coverage and is not so great in “preventative” defensive schemes both on and off the field. Secondly, allegations from a Florida State University tutor claimed that while playing for the Seminoles, Cromartie read at a second grade level, making it possible that he’s been confusing balloons and/or Kit Kat wrappers for condoms. Finally, there’s not a lot of people who like this guy (just ask the gentleman whose head he allegedly smashed a bottle over), so maybe he’s just increasing his fanbase one paternity suit at a time. Quite frankly, there are a lot of possible reasons as to why he’s on pace to father well over three dozen children.