The Top 10 Reasons We'll Miss Larry King
CNN's longtime resident old dude will host the final episode of his long running talk show tonight, and even though we haven’t watched an episode since Anna Nicole Smith was hot and alive, we’ve got to admit it. We’re gonna miss the old man.
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By Danny Gallagher
10. He’s old school
Call me a male chauvinist who longs for the days when women were confirmed to kitchen and smoking was good for you, but I miss the old school days of journalism and broadcasting. Reporters got their stories by listening to drunk senators in bars brag to underage waitresses about the money they stole from an appropriations bill and TV news anchors went through two combs a day getting ready for their broadcast.
King might not have gotten his start as a hard-noised reporter or a good-looking anchor, but this disc-jockey turned talkmeister grew out of those golden age days of TV and it was just nice to know that it didn’t completely leave my set entirely just because time is a straight line. Although it would have been to watch ol’ Lar down a couple of shots on the air and hit on Angelina Jolie.
9. The death of the Larry King impression
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The beauty of the Larry King impression is that anybody can do one and sounds accurate. You know that guy in your office who always loves to hide around corners so he can pounce on some hapless sap and corner him or her into hearing his latest abomination on your ear drums? Even he can do a halfway decent one that doesn’t want to make you staple a “Go away” Post-It on his face.
Everybody in the entertainment business has one and you can too. You just talk as low as your voice will allow, throw in a little Brooklyn swagger and make your throat sound as though you are about to throw up a handful of hot gravel. Now you’ve either got the perfect Larry King or an impression of the aunt in your family who smokes two packs a day in between hits off of her oxygen tank.
8. The blow it will deal to the suspenders industry
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The rest of you horizontally challenged Americans might be able to keep your pants up with a simple belt, but the rest of us have had a lot of problems keeping our pants in the proper position (the same goes for flashers and Britney Spears).
Now that the industry’s last unregistered spokesman is leaving the airwaves, what will happen to these holy gifts for the wide girthed? Their lack of exposure will send the economic output of the suspenders company into a death spiral and millions of pants will suddenly fall without warning. I’m sure it will be the only time that Rush Limbaugh hopes there’s a government bailout in the company’s future.
7. One less place for Lewis Black on television
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Larry King never really had a sidekick on his show, but if he did, Lewis Black could easily fill the chair next to the host desk. The two are almost a comedy team in and off themselves with Larry as the straight man, setting up Lewis’ endless rants about everyone on Capitol Hill and candy corn.
The two also seem to go back awhile and have great chemsitry. Sure, Lewis is still funny after all these years on The Daily Show, but when he’s on Larry King’s show, he has someone to bounce his spittle-filled material at in a conversation. It’s like watching an angry terrier and an old bulldog have a conversation if dogs could talk and wrap their heads around the concept of the capital gains tax.
6. His hot wives give the rest of us hope
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Are you a homely looking sort? Do women look at you and laugh at the mere thought of spending more than a minute trying to get to the know the real person behind your ugly facade? Do you have a back hump that mountain climbers often mistake for an unchallenged summit? We’ve got the cure for your blues.
Ol’ Lar has had SEVEN ex-wives and all of them are blonde and achingly beautiful. He’s been married, attached, or re-attached to a former Playboy bunny, two smoking hot TV stars, and his latest ex-wife to be, Shawn Southwick, could make your fat friend’s trophy wife even more anorexic than she currently is.