Seven Historic Nerds Who Were Also Historic Players

September 21, 2009

Who says you have to have a flawless body, eyes that don't need huge glasses, and the brain of a clump of meat shaped to look like a human head in order to score a mega-uber-super babe? Some of history's greatest nerds, dweebs, dorks, and spazzes have made more than a few hotties' "bunsens" burn at least at 1,600 degrees Celsius. Here are the most brilliant nerds who made a real nomenclature for themselves with the ladies.

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By Danny Gallagher

7. Benjamin Franklin

This brilliant Founding Father who helped invent and create just about everything America holds dear from Constitutional statehood to electricity had a mind housed in a giant, pill-shaped head that topped off the frame of the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man. But that didn't stop women from all over the world from throwing themselves at him with the speed and force of a freshly fired cannonball. His early days in France were spent cavorting and carousing with scads of smart and stunningly beautiful women, all of whom unconditionally loved the man for his mind and other parts that I'd rather not think about. Even when he aged well into his 70s, he managed to attract the attention of women five times his junior using his genius charm and creative wit to woo them in ways we mere mortals can only dream. He didn't just write the book of love, he printed it...because he was also a printer by trade.

6. Albert Einstein


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You might not think that a guy with frizzy hair who sounds like the villain in every Indiana Jones movie could have a smoking hot girlfriend on each of the four hemispheres. However, Einstein had at least a dozen. The rock-star-famous physicist was a prolific letter writer and new letters released 20 years after the death of his daughter Margot revealed he has many sordid affairs and flings, most of which while he was still married to his second wife, Elsa. In fact, he didn't really pursue these women. He described their undying attention towards him as "unwanted," which either makes him the smartest man of all time or the dumbest man of all time. You decide.

5. Alexandre Gustave Eiffel


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The architect who gave the world one of its most romantic man-made spots (not counting the grotto at the Playboy Mansion or the world's entire fleet of car back seats) also made it his own romantic spot. The brilliant architect nicknamed "The Iron Magician" (I'm sure one of his mistresses came up with that one) and creator of the Eiffel Tower topped off his magnificent creation with a private love nest for his many sordid and sultry affairs. The room has since been opened to the public. To this day, no other gift shop in the world sells more Scotchguard and Febreze than the one set up for the tourists at the top of the Eiffel Tower.

4. Richard Feynman


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This Nobel prize-winning physicist could truly be called a Renaissance Man. His mind possessed an uncountable number of unique abilities from technical know-how that went into the creation of the atom bomb to quantum electrodynamics and beyond.  He also had a sexual drive that could make a Louisiana politician seem as chaste as a Tibetan monk. He had a ravenous appetite for women. He hung out (no pun intended) with porn stars and strippers and developed ideas for his calculations on strip club cocktail napkins. He even developed his own scientific calculations for getting laid. More importantly, he accomplished something no other scientific mind has been able to do: make physics interesting.

3. Paul Langevin


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This world-renowned French physicist developed theories and calculations that bear his name and his legacy, but he's as equally legendary with the ladies as he is with logarithms (no pun intended, but still a damn good one if you ask me). Even though he was still married, he was an infamous philanderer and skirt chaser. He even had an affair with fellow scientist Marie Curie, an affair that almost destroyed both of their careers in the U.S. The call for the couple to be run out of the country got so bad that Langevin actually challenged the publisher of one newspaper responsible for some of the more vile and scathing stories to a pistol duel. Of course, newspapers have learned from their mistakes and moved beyond printing needlessly scandalous headlines and rumor-mongering stories. That's probably why they're on the brink of total collapse.

2. Erwin Schrödinger


Source: Rice University

Meet another Nobel Prize winning scientist with a keen scientific mind whose work left a profound effect on mankind and led to even greater discoveries that would open the brightest minds to the secrets of human existence and frustrate high school seniors on the brink of summer school. Schrödinger's affairs, however, didn't damage or destroy his reputation. They actually helped it. During one tryst with an old girlfriend, he was inspired to develop his most famous equation, one that would win him the Nobel Prize for Physics in 1933. What's with the ladies and these Nobel Prize winners? Maybe I should stop just submitting my stories to Digg and carbon copy them to the Nobel judges.

1. The Men of the Los Alamos Atomic Bomb Project


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Cancun? South Padre Island? Cabo San Lucas? Amateurs. The real party was in Los Alamos, New Mexico. The men of the famed atomic bomb project spent their days calculating equations and devising systems for something that could tear the Earth a new wormhole. But when the break whistle blew and the lights went down, well, what happened in Los Alamos stayed in Los Alamos. The boys boozed up the place, filled the halls with cigar smoke, and ran through more women than the Eastern NBA Conference. Things got so bad that the project leaders had to quarantine the ladies from the dudes in their own dormitories, a plan that totally backfired. Maybe that's because one of the project's leaders, Robert Oppenheimer, had more than his own share of affairs in which he fiddled around with his scientific colleagues' wives.