The Top Eight Non-Sexual Porn Websites on the Internet

October 26, 2009

Let's face it, dudes (and some ladies) really like to look at stuff. There's something about obsessively running your eyes over an object that really lights up the part of the brain responsible for creepiness. For a lot of people, the undressed human body is perfect for eyeing, ogling, and just plain staring at. But for some people, the body doesn't quite cut it.

Source: Philosophia/Aflo/Getty Images

8. GunsAndAmmoMag.com

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Source: Joe Raedle/Getty Images News/Getty Images

It's should come as no surprise that people fetishize guns. After big tits and heart disease, nothing says "U.S.A." like a gun. Hold one of these steel and wood beauties in your hand and gently caress the long, smooth barrel for a while and see if you don't get a little tingly south of the border. Maybe it's the warm feeling you get when you're carrying around the means to end a human life, maybe it's the feel of the cold, cold metal against your breast as your piece lies snuggled into you shoulder holster, or maybe it's because every gun and bullet looks a little bit like a penis. Whatever the reason, a lot of people cream their jeans over firearms. For the gun porn lover, no magazine gets them off like Guns And Ammo.

Surprisingly Arousing Example: "The 210-grain Remingtons also shot a bit low but with respectable accuracy. The difference in recoil, however, made me appreciate the surprise many cops back in the early 1960s may have felt, as the gun squirmed vigorously at every shot."

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Source: Guns and Ammo

For years, Guns And Ammo has provided beautifully composed, tasteful shots of the finest, hottest guns out there. From old classics to the latest gunpowder starlets, if it can stop a man dead at 100 yards, Guns and Ammo will have a picture of it you can beat off to. The pictures are only matched by the Penthouse Forum-esque descriptions of the stalks, grips, and sweet, slick actions of just about every gun ever made. If you're into gun porn, Guns and Ammo is all you'll ever need. Well, that and some hand lotion.

7. RailFan.net

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Source: RailFan.net

If gun porn is a no-brainer, it will probably comes as a huge surprise that people fetishize trains. For most of us, trains are for transportation, or maybe the odd bit of international intrigue. But for a select few, trains are the sexiest examples of locomotion since God invented the missionary position. Known as railfans, these diesel and steam power perverts travel the country looking for trains to look at. And when they find them, they take endless pictures to show their railfan friends. One site where they can share their obsessions is Railfan.net. Members of the site tell train stories, post train pictures, and hang out with the only other people in the world who don't find their hobby mind-numbingly dull.

Surprisingly Arousing Example: "The CZ, or the "Silver Lady," as she was called, was a piece of Americana that I am very fortunate to have experienced. I'm glad that I rode her during the time that she was at the height of her glory. I will never forget that trip! It was a little lower middle class boy's first taste of "first class.""

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Source: RailFan.net

Sexy!

Unlike many of the sites on this list, Railfan.net is strictly by amateurs for amateurs. If GunsAndAmmoMag.com is the non-sexual porn version of Playboy, then Railfan.net is the non-sexual version of a home sex video an overweight, middle-aged couple makes on their twenty-five wedding anniversary. It's harmless, a little sweet, and strictly for enthusiasts.

6. High Times

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Source: High Times

For most people, marijuana is nothing more than the solution to life's problems. They're satisfied to roll up a spliff, put on a Bob Marley record, maybe order a pizza, and forget about their mortgages. Pot is just a tool to unwind. A lot of potheads may like the smell or be impressed with a big bud, put it's the high that keeps them coming back. Other dudes get way too into the plant. In 1974, some of those dudes got together and founded High Times Magazine. Literally modeled on Playboy, High Times aspired to be the lifestyle source for the marijuana enthusiast. And it became the first and only magazine in the history of publishing history to offer plant porn.

Surprisingly Arousing Example: Here are some of the reader comments from the Pix Of The Crop section:

*orgasm* haha. B-E-A-F******-UTIFUL!

 sexy!

 omg growlllll. They look so tasty!

My wife trimmed her plant like those shaggy ones. Makes me INSANE!  (Unfortunately, in this case "her plant" is not a metaphor.

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Source: High Times

Even though the magazine is still puffing along, HighTimes.com has carried the tradition of leafy green centerfolds to the Internet age. Visitors to the site can find all kinds of articles about all the latest Mary Jane news, and of course, picture after picture of the biggest, fattest, hairiest buds from here to Acapulco. They have a lot of pictures of big, fat, hairy potheads, too, so be careful which link you click on. Nothing kills a cannabis-inspired boner faster than a close-up of some washed up hippie. Actually, nothing kills any kind of boner faster than a close-up of some washed up hippie. Unless you're into washed up hippies. In which case there's probably a website for you. But there's no way in hell we're going to look for it.

5. Unboxing

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Source: Unboxing

You know when you buy a new gadget and you have to tear through all that styrofoam and plastic wrapping to get to your new iPod, digital camera, or Hello Kitty vibrator? For most of us, it's a minor annoyance at worst and a little exciting at best. But for some people, it's an ecstasy-filled thrillride on a blowjob rollercoaster. Well, those sick people have gotten together and called their ungodly practice "unboxing." Basically, people send in videos of themselves slowly and lovingly opening new consumer products while trying desperately not to touch themselves. One of the most popular unboxing sites is Gearlive.com's Unboxing site. But it's just one of many. There are unboxing sites about cameras, toys, computers, and everything else that comes in a box.

Surprisingly Arousing Example: "So today was the best day ever... I received my Leica D-Lux 3 in the mail. Not only did I buy the Leica but I also bought the super retro, amazing and super sexy looking leather case. As I pulled the small boxes out of the big postage box, I was almost filled with anxiety...  I walked away from my boxes with a big smile on my face and with a new best friend."

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Source: Unboxing

When she woke up the next day, the camera was gone and it never phoned her again.

Some unboxers have become so popular that companies are actually sending them their products before they're released to help build buzz. It's like porn producers promoting their videos by sending them to really dedicated masturbators before they hit the market so they can post videos of themselves beating off to them. Ridiculous. (An unrelated note to the nation's porn producers: several members of Spike.com are available as masturbating marketers if you ever change your mind.)

4. Top Speed

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Source: Top Speed

Tough, fast, loud, and belching carbon monoxide, there's no doubting that cars are the sexiest thing mankind ever invented (at least until the Japanese come out with a sex robot). The automobile is a big part of a lot of people's lives around the world. Look outside any window and odds are there will be a car there. And the odds are even greater that no matter what shape it may be in, somebody loves the hell out of it. The folks who run TopSpeed.com understand how a couple tons of metal, rubber, and electronics can be the sexiest thing in the entire world. Their articles spare no obsessive technical detail. And the pictures? Whoa boy! They find the hottest vehicles out there and photograph them from every angle. This is a website that isn't afraid to show full frontal!

Surprisingly Arousing Example:

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Source: Top Speed

That's right baby, open all the way up!

TopSpeed.com has hundreds of articles describing the usual exotic car porn suspects. You'll find hot descriptions and pictures of beefy muscle cars, powerful trucks, hot hot rods, sexy foreign sports cars, and supermodel SUVs. But like all good porn sites, TopSpeed.com has a little of everything. Along with the stars, they have just as many intimate shots of minivans and compact cars for those readers who like it a little vanilla. Hell, they even have stuff on concept cars and aftermarket mods for even the most perverted car fetishist. It doesn't matter what make or model gets you off. TopSpeed.com has plenty of sweet, sweet steal to titillate anyone who gets a little too excited when they pop the hood.

3. Musicradar.com

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Source: Musicradar.com

Pound for pound, there's no better penis substitute than a guitar. Rockers have known for 50 years that there's nothing else in the world like running your hands up and down like the long, smooth neck of an electric guitar. Well, there's one thing, but you're not allowed to do that on a public stage. There are all kinds of people who get off on musical instruments (especially violins -- they're f***ing hot!), but guitar nuts are in a dirty class all their own. Sure, they love the sounds of their favorite axes, but they like looks even more. There are hundreds of websites devoted to describing guitars in all their filthy glory, but few do it better than Musicradar.com.

Surprisingly Arousing Example: "Its silky black finish is entirely blemish-free, even around the tricky f-hole...More gain gives individual notes plenty of cut and thrust...The neck offers a creamy mid-range with ES-335-like thickness."

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Source: Aaron Graubart/Riser/Getty Images

Trust us, there's no bigger turn-off than a blemished f-hole.

Musicradar.com isn't just for a wank page for Gibson groupies and Fender freaks. While they have enough shots of guitars to make your wrists sore for weeks, they also write plenty of sexy reviews of drums and amps, too. It's a one-stop shop for anyone who's ever stared longingly at the fret board of a 1956 Gibson Les Paul Gold for a long, long time and thought, "could I?"

2. Cigar Aficionado

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Source: Cigar Aficionado

Ever since Freud explored the connections between smoking and masturbation in his landmark study On Spanking and Smoking, the connection between repressed sexual desires and long, thick, brown tobacco sticks has been common knowledge. Freud himself was a twenty a day man, but even he would blanch at the cigar porn over at CigarAficionado.com. Founded in the early '90s during a momentary peak in the cigar's popularity, Cigar Aficionado magazine and its partner website are devoted to Cuba's favorite phallic symbol. The magazine extols all aspects of the smoking life, but it's in the reviews that their real, slobbering purpose is revealed.

Surprisingly Arousing Example: A large and intriguing double corona draped in a tawny brown wrapper. The draw is a touch firm, but finesses the palate with a luxuriously creamy smoke.

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Source: Cigar Aficionado

The last time someone finessed our palate with something creamy, we made them buy us dinner.

Reading the site's reviews, you'd be forgiven for getting a little hot under the collar. Barely a sentence goes by without copious references to the sensual pleasures of a big, fat, brown cigar. Words like "leather," "beefy," and for some reason "veiny" are used to describe the smokes. The site is a little short on pictures, but who needs them you can read highbrow prose about "blunted heads" and "woody finishes?" CigarAficionado.com is far and away the classiest site on the net for people who enjoy cigars way, way too much.

1. Macworld

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Source: Macworld

The personal computer has revolutionized almost every single aspect of our daily lives. The way we communicate, shop, spend our leisure time, and even perceive the world is radically different because of the computers. Oh, and porn. Computers are awesome for porn. What's amazing about computers, however, is how seamlessly they've been integrated in daily routines. Nobody thinks about the little plastic and metal bricks that are suddenly under everyone's desks. Who cares what it looks like, as long as you can use it to argue about Farscape? Some people care. A lot.

Surprisingly Arousing Example:

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Source: Macworld

We dare you not to get a boner.

And most of those people use Macs. Long the go-to brand for computer porn nuts, Apple computers are the Japanese schoolgirl of the inorganic porn world. Only a few people are into them, but they're really, really into them. For those people, Macworld.com has every single possible piece of information about every conceivable aspect of Mac computers. There's page after page of detail so obsessive it would make a stalker blush. Macworld.com not only has reams and reams of data on Mac stuff, but it has tons of information on anything you can possibly connect to your Mac. If it's in any related to an Apple product, Macworld.com has the skinny on it. The only thing you can't find on the site is naked pictures of Steve Jobs. But that's probably a good thing.

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