Theo Fleury Shows Other 41-Year-Old, 5-foot-6-inch Recovering Alcoholics That Dreams Do Come True

September 14, 2009

After a brief six-year hiatus from getting drunk on NHL roadtrips and embarrassing his family, Theo Fleury has decided to take his adorable size four skates out of the garage and do what no other diminutive drunk has ever done.

After petitioning the NHL to lift his indefinite suspension (for violating the league’s substance abuse rules and, to a lesser extent, being middle-aged with cheesy blonde highlights in his hair), Fleury is back on the ice with the Calgary Flames and may even see some action in the team’s first preseason game.

Though Fleury hasn’t played competitive hockey since John Kerry was a relevant political figure, the former All-Star and current clothing designer (seriously, he designs clothing) is excited for a chance to get back in the NHL and further kill the dreams of the all nine remaining fans who remember him as a talented hockey player instead of “that old guy who seems to be dry-heaving into his helmet at the end of the bench.”

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