The Top 10 Reasons Playing Madden is Better Than Real Football

August 11, 2009

It’s almost that time of year when BBQ grills heat up, your couch becomes your best friend, and the charges for NFL Sunday Ticket start showing up on your satellite bill. The NFL season is almost here, and that means that the next installment of Madden is about to touch down. Here are the best reasons to take a day off work for some virtual pigskin.

Source: Hill Creek Pictures/UpperCut Images/Getty Images

10. Injuries Only Hurt Your Pride


Source: Rubberball Productions/Getty Images

Yeah, there was some point in your high school, middle school, or Pop Warner career where you realized that twisting a knee or turning an ankle was no longer worth the payoff. That’s why you’re an armchair quarterback. Madden lets you deliver a forearm shiver with less muscle movement than it takes to pick your nose. The worst you'll end up with is a set of sore thumbs.

 9. No One Can Escape Your Wrath


Source: Tara Moore/Riser/Getty Images

Have friends strung all across God’s creation? It matters not. They’re just a button press away from an ass kicking. When was the last time you kicked some ass? Jump online and give them a spanking. Talk smack and back it up. Create an online league and establish your supremacy within your circle. Ego boosts don’t come this easy (or cheap).

8. Your Buddies Won’t Break Your Kneecaps


Source: Allan Shoemake/Digital Vision/Getty Images

What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas--except for friendly wagers. Whether you’re betting on who has to take out the trash or who’s buying the pizza, we’d much rather owe a friend over a game of Madden than Vinnie for a bum tease. We’ve watched enough movies to know what happens when things go bad.

 7. The Beer's a Lot Cheaper at Home


Source: Peter Dazeley/Photographer's Choice/Getty Images

If you go to a real NFL game and don’t spend $60 on beer you’re totally screwing it up. Then it’s $100 for a ticket, $25 on gut-churning food, and $25 for parking two miles from the stadium . For that money you could buy a copy of Madden and still have $180 left over to build a keggerator. Now that’s some math we can all get behind.
6. How Many Teams Are You A Part Of These Days?


Source: Michael Cogliantry/Photonica/Getty Images

If you’re like the average American male past his late-20s, you’re looking more like a pear every day. You think about joining a flag football league, but never do. Yet, you can dominate at Madden prone on the couch with one eye closed and your mouth hanging open.  And now you can do it with a friend on the same team. Smells like team spirit.

5. Nachos in the Final Two Minutes? Yes You Can.


Source: Michelle Pedone/Photonica/Getty Images

Eating your favorite grub while playing Madden is like chewing bubble gum and walking at the same time. No sweat. True veterans can anticipate lulls in the action to jam some food into their face without missing a linebacker shift. It’s the artful side of playing Madden.

 4. Your Playing Days are Over


Source: Patrik Giardino/Iconica/Getty Images

If you haven’t realized it yet and no one’s had the guts to tell you, your chances at an NFL career died a good 10 years ago. You’re out of shape and the routine of your job is making you soft. For most guys, Madden is their only remaining chance at attaining glory.

3. The Likelihood of Losing Consciousness is Drastically Reduced


Source: Piccell/Photographer's Choice RF/Getty Images

Passing out after a night of drinking is not the same thing as getting smashed in the head by a linebacker. Keeping yourself off the field increases your chances of involuntarily falling asleep by a good 80 percent.
2. You Don’t Have to Jam Your Mitts in Some Dude’s Crack


Source: Tim Platt/Iconica/Getty Images

The quarterback may get all the glory, but he has to do something dozens of times per game that you couldn’t pay most people to do—stick his hands in the butt crack of a mountain of a man.  We’ll take pressing a button any day of the week.

1. You Don’t Have to Shower With a 300-Pound Behemoth


Source: Tim Platt/Iconica/Getty Images

Yeah, we went there. No one will pop your ass with a towel, either.