The Top 10 Superhero Alter Egos We'd Rather Be

March 8, 2009

Being a superhero is great and all. You've got superhuman strength. You can fly across the universe in the blink of an eye. And your selfless actions of heroism can earn you the hearts, love, and lust of a boatload of busty damsels in distress. Unfortunately, there is a downside to putting on tights and almost getting your skull caved in on a daily basis. These are the true identities that we would take over their super ones any day of the week.

Source: Marvel Studios

By Danny Gallagher

The following article does not represent the opinions of Spike TV or its affiliates.

 

10. Oliver "Green Arrow" Queen

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Source: Warner Bros. Television/DC Comics

Being one of the finest archers of all time doesn't really interest me, especially since most of the best superpowers don't even require the use of a tangible weapon. It's like being the guy in the drag race with the Vespa. Fortunately for Mr. Queen, we couldn't care less about his superhero life because his mild-mannered life is anything but. He's got the two things all unattainable babes look for in a man: blonde hair and bucks. He's also works as an executive for his family's million-dollar corporation, if by work you mean "skydiving, boxing and flying around the world in his own plane on company time." That means even if the bottom falls out of his company, he'll also be getting some taxpayer bailouts. The ladies love a guy with a good stimulus package.

9. Lamont "The Shadow" Cranston

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Source: Universal Pictures

It's hard to get worked up about the possibility of being The Shadow. So what if you're the world's ultimate hypnotist? The only people who would really be impressed by that are people who consider Branson, Missouri a "must see" on their travel wish log. On the other hand, it would be worth spending some time in Lamont Cranston's crafted Italian shoes. He's your typical New York playboy with the ability to cloud women's minds with his lush penthouse apartment and massive moola. I'll be he knows what evil lurks in the pants of women.

8. Peter "Spider-Man" Parker

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Source: Columbia Pictures

This pathetic photographer doesn't live the kind of life that would make New York City barely tolerable. He lives in a crappy apartment and seems to barely scrape together enough dough from his cheap boss for shots of Spidey that seem harder to get than a photo of Amelia Earhart and Harvey the Rabbit playing tonsil hockey. His superhero hours don't even seem all that thrilling since the press (and sometimes the public) show as much love for him as they do for pubic lice. Still, it would be worth it to come home to hotties like Gwen Stacy and Mary Jane Watson to help us forget our troubles…like Spider-Man 3.

7.  T'Challa, the "Black Panther"

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Source: Marvel Comics

Some superheroes use their positions of power to better the world and enhance their ability to fight and destroy evil. The Black Panther is no exception. However, he isn't some overpaid state senator or a dinky little journalist who just "happens" to know about all the Earth's major disasters before they happen. He is the leader of the African nation of Wakanda, a nation rich with many of the mutant properties that create some of the world's greatest superheroes. But honestly, the coolest part would be ruling over an entire nation. I'm not saying I would use my office for evil, but then again, neither would Jesse Helms or Ted Stevens if you asked them point blank.

6. Johnny "The Human Torch" Storm

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Source: 20th Century Fox

Johnny Storm had the kind of childhood every boy wished they had. He worked on fast cars and motorcycles, saved the innocent without the aid of super powers and had the kind of teenage good looks that didn't land them in therapy for the rest of their natural life. Even without his super abilities, he has gone through more chicks than the KFC processing plant.



5. Johnny "Ghost Rider" Blaze

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Source: Columbia Pictures

Being Ghost Rider seems like such a hassle. You have to sell your soul to Satan to save your mentor's life. You never get any sleep (try setting your head on fire and counting sheep). You have a motorcycle made of flames and twisted metal that probably requires more costly and delicate upkeep than a Bugatti Veyron that's made out of porcelain. It would be much sweeter to live the exciting life of a movie stuntman and daredevil and dote upon the beautiful Roxanne whose hotness couldn't be replicated equally, even with the casting of the red-hot tamale Eva Mendes.

4. Duke "Duke Nukem" Nukem

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Source: 3D Realms

This mutant-killing meathead has a lot of superpowers for a mere mortal. He can carry a boatload of heavy artillery, remember more useless movie catchphrases than an underpaid Blockbuster store clerk, and maintain the short-spanned interest of annoyed gamers for longer than a decade. But his non-making-mutants-head-explode life is legendarily awesome. He either spends all of his free time lifting weights like they are empty beer bottles or repopulating the Earth with only A-list stripper-grade women. I guess that explains why he hasn't gotten around to finishing that sequel.

3. Bruce "Batman" Wayne

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Source: Legendary Pictures

Bruce Wayne lives the kind of rich and pampered life that would make a Bolivian drug lord jealous. He lives in a mansion that takes up half of the state, runs a multibillion corporation that seemingly does nothing to earn its success and has hired help who don't try to spit in his food or teabag his brandy every time his back is turned.  Or it could be because the economy is in the toilet and 24-hour butlers don't have many options should they need to find emergency employment.

2. Tony "Iron Man" Stark

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Source: Marvel Studios

Only one man could make Bruce Wayne's private life and empire look like the lonely and empty existence of a high school chess club president, and that man is Iron Man. Tony Stark runs a company that seems to literally be made out of money and his reputation as such has earned him a status of a modern Greek god who runs through women and wine with the ease of a bouncy cheerleader running through a lawn sprinkler. Stark's money and charm could make me an Iron Man without even having to endure a steel-plated wedgie.

1. Reed "Mr. Fantastic" Richards

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Source: 20th Century Fox

So he's not the best looking of the bunch. He has a stellar and lucrative career, but he's certainly not made out of money. He's not even that cool. He's probably the biggest nerd on this list. So why is he number one? Because he is married to a woman who was portrayed by…well, Jessica Alba. Who's Mr. Fantastic now?

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