The Top 10 Manliest Home Appliances
5. Rosendahl Large Chef’s Knife and The Kounosuke Pointed Carving Knife
It goes without saying that kitchen knives are the coolest things most people have in their houses. Unless you’re a ninja or a gun nut, odds are the deadliest weapons you own were designed to butterfly shrimp and julienne carrots. But just because they may be used for mundane tasks, doesn’t mean they have to be boring. There are a lot of awesome knives out there, but these two beauties would make fine additions to anyone’s kitchen arsenal.
First up, the Rosendahl Large Chef’s Knife. Designed by a Japanese guy for a Danish company, this 23 cm beauty can get the job done in the finest kitchens or the seediest alleyways. Made of “high-quality chromium molybdenum vanadium steel” (we have no idea what that is- but it sounds pretty freaking awesome) and honed to a razor sharp edge, the Rosendahl Large Chef’s Knife will cut just about anything you put under it. Whether animal, vegetable, or two-bit punk who needs to be taught a lesson.
If you’d rather go with a more traditional weapon – uhh… we mean, utensil, the Japanese Kounosuke Pointed Carving Knife is the instrument for you. Based on the Edo Period deba hocho (which just means "pointed kitchen knife," but you can tell people it means "flesh reaver" or something cool like that), the Kounosuke Pointed Carving Knife is the samurai’s choice for dicing and slicing. With its water buffalo octagon handle (even the handle sounds badass!) and 12-inch blade of razor sharp steel, this knife is a thing of cold, vicious beauty. Your pork chops will shame their masters and cower in fear at the thought of the Kounosuke’s fearsome bite. Your carrots will die dishonorable deaths as they beg for your mercy. Your fish will commit hari-kari rather than face you over the cutting board. This is the knife with which you will cut a swath of destruction the likes of which your kitchen will never forget! Okay. That probably won’t happen, exactly. But it’s still a pretty cool knife.
4. The Waring Pro Extreme High Powered Blender
Blenders. Ask most guys about blenders and they’ll tell you there’s nothing lamer than a machine that makes things softer and easier to chew. A staple of nurseries and nursing homes everywhere, they believe the blender should have no place in the home of a man’s man. Let grandma use it to make mashed potato and gravy smoothies. We want to chew our food! That’s what we used to think, too. And then we saw the Waring Pro Extreme High Powered Blender.
Right off the bat, you know it’s got to be wicked; it has the words "pro," "extreme," and "high powered" right in its name! Once you figure out what to do with a blender (hint: cocktails), one look at the specs of this bad boy and you’ll be clamoring to get one on your countertop. This restaurant quality machine has a 3.5 horsepower motor, can chop, puree, and grind at speeds up to 45,000 RPMs, has sharp, powerful blades, and it’s encased in unbreakable polycarbonate. That means it’s not only sound-proof, but you don’t have to worry if you drop it when you’re making your eighth banana daiquiri. The Waring Pro Extreme High Powered Blender is the only device you'll need when you realize that, like it or not, you're going to have to man up and frappe something once in a while.
3. The Frigidaire Beverage Center
Everybody has a fridge. Now, your average dude usually devotes half of his fridge to beer cooling at all times. But at a certain point in his life, he’s going to need that main fridge for more than just suds and the occasional leftover pizza. Once you start a family or get interested in cooking something more complicated than wieners and beans, you’re going to find the fridge in your kitchen has less and less space for the cold beverages you love so much. The next thing you know, your fridge is full of tiramisu and your cold ones are out on the back porch. That’s where the Frigidaire Beverage Center comes in. Custom designed to lovingly house cans, bottles, kegs, and anything else alcohol comes in, the Beverage Center is a must have for any garage or backyard. There are a lot of ways to measure a man's worth in this world, whether he drives an expensive sports car, has a great job, dates beautiful women, or has the respect and admiration of his peers. But, for us, if a guy has a second fridge totally dedicated to beverages, then he must being doing something right.
2. The Human Washing Machine (Avant Santelubain 999)
We all do it. Whether it’s every morning, once or week, or just on Christmases and birthdays, all of us eventually haul our stinking bodies into the bath. With varying degrees of trepidation, we scrub off the muck and dirt of battle, juggle our soaps and shampoos and fragrant oils, and pretty ourselves up so as to not offend our perfumed modern world. Hundreds of years ago, before the dandies and fancy lads took over, a man was judged by the quality of his reek. Kings, warlords, and bandits wore their BO like badges of honor. It breaks our hearts, but it’s been a long time since a man could revel in his glorious grime and be respected for his powerful funk.
Those days are gone, friends, but fear not. The Japanese have an answer. You still have to wash, but with the Avant Santelubain Human Washing Machine, at least you don’t have to lift a single finger to do it. Entirely automatic, the Avant Santelubain Human Washing Machine will get you wet, lather you up, rinse you off, and dry you just like Mom did when you were a teenager. The Avant Santelubain Human Washing Machine can also apply skin lotion, aromatherapy, and even seaweed packs if you're into that sort of thing. But best of all, this beauty cleans itself! You just jump in, get scrubbed, and jump out. We all have to succumb to the tyranny of clean, but with the Avant Santelubain Human Washing Machine, at least you'll expend zero effort doing it.
1. BBQ Tower Smoker
Source: Hammacher Schlemmer
Of all of life's appliances, none is more manly than a good, old-fashioned barbecue. In olden times, kings had harems and legions of soldiers to demonstrate their manhood to others. In the modern world, all a guy needs is a bag of charcoal, a pair of tongs, and a red hot grill to show the world he's master of all he surveys. A widescreen TV and a big, fat reclining chair come pretty close, but everybody knows that a flaming BBQ is what a man needs to feel like a king. The only question is how big are you going to go? Any clown can whip out a little Hitachi or a cheapy propane job during BBQ season, but a real man needs something that will put his steaks on notice.
A real man needs the BBQ Tower Smoker.
The Darth Vader of backyard cooking, The BBQ Tower Smoker is six feet of grilling and smoking power. You can cook a whole chicken, ribs, and an entire pork shoulder at the same time! It has six porcelain grills that can cook whatever you throw at them. To top it off, you can remove all of them and just hang a big old chunk of meat on the built-in hook. It's the perfect tool for today's urban caveman. And it's just about the coolest thing you can put in your backyard. Well, besides a beer filled Jacuzzi. But those things are a bitch to clean.