The Top 10 Manliest Home Appliances
According to tradition, guys don’t give a crap about home appliances. To most dudes, home appliances are like tampons - sure, if we really wanted to, we could figure out how to use one, but who wants to? The average bachelor is satisfied with whatever junk he crammed into an empty beer case when he left his parents’ place. But there’s a whole world of cool stuff for your place that won’t make you feel like a old housewife when you buy it.
10. The Liquid Nitrogen Ice Cream Maker
In his heart, every dude is a tinkerer. From the moment we first figure out how to undo our zippers to the time we see what happens when you give a rabbit whiskey, guys like to find s*** out. The urge grows as we take our bikes off impossibly high jumps, try ketchup and mustard sandwiches, and desperately try to figure why Monica Peterson makes us feel so funny during Math class. We’re mad scientists at heart. As we grow older, we learn to quiet the little evil genius in our heads, but we never lose the need to experiment.
The next time you get the urge to create something diabolical, why not do it with ice cream? The Nitrocream NG-G4 Liquid Nitrogen Ice Cream Maker is the perfect way to satisfy the need to conduct dangerous experiments with the need to eat sweet, sweet delicious ice cream. With the Nitrocream NG-G4, you can make any flavor of ice cream your twisted mind can come up with in just a couple of minutes. On top of that, it looks awesome and has cool smoke coming off it when you use it. But, be warned, all that badassery comes at a pretty steep price. The Nitrocream retails at $35,000! But hey, whoever said being an evil genius was going to be cheap?
9. The iRobot Roomba
Vacuuming sucks. Unless they’re bringing someone back home who will potentially have sex with them, most men let it slide for weeks. Well, if you’re tired of navigating through the knee-high dunes of Cheetos dust in your living room but would sooner wear ballerina tights to your local Darts Night than whip out a vacuum cleaner, you got to get an iRobot Roomba. A wonder of robotic engineering, the Roomba is an autonomous vacuuming robot that cleans floors totally by itself. Put up your feet, crack a brewski and watch your very own little electronic slave use powerful algorithms to navigate around the room picking up your dead skin and toenail clippings. The Roomba goes under beds, behind furniture, concentrates on particularly dirty areas of the floor, and is great for messing with your dog. Later generation Roombas can even find their way back to their docking stations and recharge themselves. The only thing you have to do is empty the dustbin. They're a lazy man's dream. The only possible way they could be better is if they smited your enemies with high-powered lasers. Roombas sometimes need a little help from you to get out of tight spots and aren’t very fast, but when you have a semi-intelligent robot scooting around your house picking up the crap on your floors, who cares how long it takes?
8. Ferrari FSP Maranello Projection Alarm Clock
The Ferrari FSP Maranello Projection Alarm Clock is a supremely logical product:
- Guys like cars.
- Ferraris are awesome cars.
- Guys sometimes have to wake up at specific times.
- The Ferrari FSP Maranello Projection Alarm Clock is the perfect home appliance for guys.
With a normal alarm clock, 6:30 rolls around and you’re greeted with the atonal buzz that reminds you that another full day of drudgery awaits. Plug this cherry-red and chrome beauty in next to your bed and you’ll sleep soundly knowing that when 6:30 rolls around, you’ll be woken up with the unmistakable howl of a Ferrari engine at full rev! Filled with visions of whipping through snaking European streets in a wicked sports car with a beautiful and mysterious Countess in the passenger seat, you’ll greet the day with confidence! And for added coolness, the Ferrari clock projects the correct time and the famous Ferrari logo in bold red numbers anywhere in your room. We’re not exactly sure why it’s called the FSP 301 Maranello, but it sounds pretty good. And for a real man, sounding good is good enough.
7. LEGO Edition Bosch Dishwasher
First off, every guy needs a dishwasher. It doesn't matter if your diet consists almost entirely of takeout and canned beer; sooner or later, you're going to use a plate for some thing. When that fateful day arrives, the last thing you want is to have to do the dishes the old fashioned way. Only a sucker gets caught wearing rubber gloves and holding a scrub brush outside of the bedroom. When the time comes for you to buy one, the LEGO Edition Bosch Dishwasher is the one you'll want. Unfortunately, it isn't made out of LEGO since LEGO scientists have yet to develop water-proof blocks. No, the reason it's the LEGO Edition is because this dishwasher has something that no other dishwasher in the world has: a toy cycle.
That's right. The LEGO Edition Bosch Dishwasher has a specific setting designed to wash all of your favorite toys without melting them. While melting toys is not without its rewards, it can get expensive constantly replacing your G.I. Joe action figures. Besides, the cashier at Toys R Us already looks at you funny as it is. With the LEGO Edition Bosch Diswasher, you can wash all your toys whenever you want. It costs around $1,000 bucks and it's only available in Europe (?), but it's totally worth it. Whether your squirt gun is a little greasy from a marathon water fight or those Japanese anime figures are stained from whatever it is you do with them in the bathtub for so long. Oh, and it'll wash dishes too. You know, if the Thai place forgets to put a plastic fork in the bag.
6. Richard The Lionhearted Toilet Seat
Source: Design Toscano
In this busy, workaday world, do any of us really treat our asses with the respect they deserve? When you think about it, your ass has one of the most thankless jobs in your body. The brain gets to play games and enjoy the effects of alcohol, your hands get to hold all kinds of cool stuff, your mouth gets to eat and drink, but your behind is stuck cushioning you when you sit and taking out the garbage. Sure, your penis does a little waste removal, too, but it is more than well compensated for that. Your bum does a lot of the body's heavy lifting, but doesn’t get much glory.
There’s no better way to change that than by slapping a Richard The Lionhearted Seat onto your toilet. With its polished faux metal base, deep blue lid, and regal dragon inlays, this is a toilet seat that lets your keister know that it’s as feared and loved as any dead monarch. Besides giving your backside some long deserved respect, the Richard The Lionhearted Toilet Seat will also let your guests know that you’re someone who appreciates a little class in the john. When they walk into your toilet and see this imperial quality toilet seat, they’ll know they’re dealing with a guy who knows how to take care of his ass. The Richard The Lionhearted Toilet Seat is a gift you can give your ass, but it's also a gift you give yourself. Because, come on. Don’t you and your ass both deserve to be treated like kings?