The Top 10 Manliest Home Appliances

November 2, 2009

According to tradition, guys don’t give a crap about home appliances. To most dudes, home appliances are like tampons - sure, if we really wanted to, we could figure out how to use one, but who wants to? The average bachelor is satisfied with whatever junk he crammed into an empty beer case when he left his parents’ place. But there’s a whole world of cool stuff for your place that won’t make you feel like a old housewife when you buy it.

Source: Nitrocream

10. The Liquid Nitrogen Ice Cream Maker

In his heart, every dude is a tinkerer. From the moment we first figure out how to undo our zippers to the time we see what happens when you give a rabbit whiskey, guys like to find s*** out. The urge grows as we take our bikes off impossibly high jumps, try ketchup and mustard sandwiches, and desperately try to figure why Monica Peterson makes us feel so funny during Math class. We’re mad scientists at heart. As we grow older, we learn to quiet the little evil genius in our heads, but we never lose the need to experiment.

The next time you get the urge to create something diabolical, why not do it with ice cream? The Nitrocream NG-G4 Liquid Nitrogen Ice Cream Maker is the perfect way to satisfy the need to conduct dangerous experiments with the need to eat sweet, sweet delicious ice cream. With the Nitrocream NG-G4, you can make any flavor of ice cream your twisted mind can come up with in just a couple of minutes. On top of that, it looks awesome and has cool smoke coming off it when you use it. But, be warned, all that badassery comes at a pretty steep price. The Nitrocream retails at $35,000! But hey, whoever said being an evil genius was going to be cheap?

9. The iRobot Roomba

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Source: iRobot

Vacuuming sucks. Unless they’re bringing someone back home who will potentially have sex with them, most men let it slide for weeks. Well, if you’re tired of navigating through the knee-high dunes of Cheetos dust in your living room but would sooner wear ballerina tights to your local Darts Night than whip out a vacuum cleaner, you got to get an iRobot Roomba. A wonder of robotic  engineering, the Roomba is an autonomous vacuuming robot that cleans floors totally by itself. Put up your feet, crack a brewski and watch your very own little electronic slave use powerful algorithms to navigate around the room picking up your dead skin and toenail clippings. The Roomba goes under beds, behind furniture, concentrates on particularly dirty areas of the floor, and is great for messing with your dog. Later generation Roombas can even find their way back to their docking stations and recharge themselves. The only thing you have to do is empty the dustbin. They're a lazy man's dream. The only possible way they could be better is if they smited your enemies with high-powered lasers. Roombas sometimes need a little help from you to get out of tight spots and aren’t very fast, but when you have a semi-intelligent robot scooting around your house picking up the crap on your floors, who cares how long it takes?

8. Ferrari FSP Maranello Projection Alarm Clock

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Source: Ferrari

The Ferrari FSP Maranello Projection Alarm Clock is a supremely logical product:

  1. Guys like cars.
  2. Ferraris are awesome cars.
  3. Guys sometimes have to wake up at specific times.
  4. The Ferrari FSP Maranello Projection Alarm Clock is the perfect home appliance for guys.

With a normal alarm clock, 6:30 rolls around and you’re greeted with the atonal buzz that reminds you that another full day of drudgery awaits. Plug this cherry-red and chrome beauty in next to your bed and you’ll sleep soundly knowing that when 6:30 rolls around, you’ll be woken up with the unmistakable howl of a Ferrari engine at full rev! Filled with visions of whipping through snaking European streets in a wicked sports car with a beautiful and mysterious Countess in the passenger seat, you’ll greet the day with confidence! And for added coolness, the Ferrari clock projects the correct time and the famous Ferrari logo in bold red numbers anywhere in your room. We’re not exactly sure why it’s called the FSP 301 Maranello, but it sounds pretty good. And for a real man, sounding good is good enough.

7. LEGO Edition Bosch Dishwasher

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Source: Bosch

First off, every guy needs a dishwasher. It doesn't matter if your diet consists almost entirely of takeout and canned beer; sooner or later, you're going to use a plate for some thing. When that fateful day arrives, the last thing you want is to have to do the dishes the old fashioned way. Only a sucker gets caught wearing rubber gloves and holding a scrub brush outside of the bedroom. When the time comes for you to buy one, the LEGO Edition Bosch Dishwasher is the one you'll want. Unfortunately, it isn't made out of LEGO since LEGO scientists have yet to develop water-proof blocks. No, the reason it's the LEGO Edition is because this dishwasher has something that no other dishwasher in the world has: a toy cycle.

That's right. The LEGO Edition Bosch Dishwasher has a specific setting designed to wash all of your favorite toys without melting them. While melting toys is not without its rewards, it can get expensive constantly replacing your G.I. Joe action figures. Besides, the cashier at Toys R Us already looks at you funny as it is. With the LEGO Edition Bosch Diswasher, you can wash all your toys whenever you want. It costs around $1,000 bucks and it's only available in Europe (?), but it's totally worth it. Whether your squirt gun is a little greasy from a marathon water fight or those Japanese anime figures are stained from whatever it is you do with them in the bathtub for so long. Oh, and it'll wash dishes too. You know, if the Thai place forgets to put a plastic fork in the bag.

6. Richard The Lionhearted Toilet Seat

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Source: Design Toscano

In this busy, workaday world, do any of us really treat our asses with the respect they deserve? When you think about it, your ass has one of the most thankless jobs in your body. The brain gets to play games and enjoy the effects of alcohol, your hands get to hold all kinds of cool stuff, your mouth gets to eat and drink, but your behind is stuck cushioning you when you sit and taking out the garbage. Sure, your penis does a little waste removal, too, but it is more than well compensated for that. Your bum does a lot of the body's heavy lifting, but doesn’t get much glory.

There’s no better way to change that than by slapping a Richard The Lionhearted Seat onto your toilet. With its polished faux metal base, deep blue lid, and regal dragon inlays, this is a toilet seat that lets your keister know that it’s as feared and loved as any dead monarch. Besides giving your backside some long deserved respect, the Richard The Lionhearted Toilet Seat will also let your guests know that you’re someone who appreciates a little class in the john. When they walk into your toilet and see this imperial quality toilet seat, they’ll know they’re dealing with a guy who knows how to take care of his ass. The Richard The Lionhearted Toilet Seat is a gift you can give your ass, but it's also a gift you give yourself. Because, come on. Don’t you and your ass both deserve to be treated like kings?

5. Rosendahl Large Chef’s Knife and The Kounosuke Pointed Carving Knife

It goes without saying that kitchen knives are the coolest things most people have in their houses. Unless you’re a ninja or a gun nut, odds are the deadliest weapons you own were designed to butterfly shrimp and julienne carrots. But just because they may be used for mundane tasks, doesn’t mean they have to be boring. There are a lot of awesome knives out there, but these two beauties would make fine additions to anyone’s kitchen arsenal.

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Source: Rosendahl

First up, the Rosendahl Large Chef’s Knife. Designed by a Japanese guy for a Danish company, this 23 cm beauty can get the job done in the finest kitchens or the seediest alleyways. Made of “high-quality chromium molybdenum vanadium steel” (we have no idea what that is- but it sounds pretty freaking awesome) and honed to a razor sharp edge, the Rosendahl Large Chef’s Knife will cut just about anything you put under it. Whether animal, vegetable, or two-bit punk who needs to be taught a lesson.

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Source: Kounosuke

If you’d rather go with a more traditional weapon – uhh… we mean, utensil, the Japanese Kounosuke Pointed Carving Knife is the instrument for you. Based on the Edo Period deba hocho (which just means "pointed kitchen knife," but you can tell people it means "flesh reaver" or something cool like that), the Kounosuke Pointed Carving Knife is the samurai’s choice for dicing and slicing. With its water buffalo octagon handle (even the handle sounds badass!) and 12-inch blade of razor sharp steel, this knife is a thing of cold, vicious beauty. Your pork chops will shame their masters and cower in fear at the thought of the Kounosuke’s fearsome bite. Your carrots will die dishonorable deaths as they beg for your mercy. Your fish will commit hari-kari rather than face you over the cutting board. This is the knife with which you will cut a swath of destruction the likes of which your kitchen will never forget! Okay. That probably won’t happen, exactly. But it’s still a pretty cool knife.

4. The Waring Pro Extreme High Powered Blender

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Source: Waring

Blenders. Ask most guys about blenders and they’ll tell you there’s nothing lamer than a machine that makes things softer and easier to chew. A staple of nurseries and nursing homes everywhere, they believe the blender should have no place in the home of a man’s man. Let grandma use it to make mashed potato and gravy smoothies. We want to chew our food! That’s what we used to think, too. And then we saw the Waring Pro Extreme High Powered Blender.

Right off the bat, you know it’s got to be wicked; it has the words "pro," "extreme," and "high powered" right in its name! Once you figure out what to do with a blender (hint: cocktails), one look at the specs of this bad boy and you’ll be clamoring to get one on your countertop. This restaurant quality machine has a 3.5 horsepower motor, can chop, puree, and grind at speeds up to 45,000 RPMs, has sharp, powerful blades, and it’s encased in unbreakable polycarbonate. That means it’s not only sound-proof, but you don’t have to worry if you drop it when you’re making your eighth banana daiquiri.  The Waring Pro Extreme High Powered Blender is the only device you'll need when you realize that, like it or not, you're going to have to man up and frappe something once in a while.

3. The Frigidaire Beverage Center

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Source: Frigidaire

Everybody has a fridge. Now, your average dude usually devotes half of his fridge to beer cooling at all times. But at a certain point in his life, he’s going to need that main fridge for more than just suds and the occasional leftover pizza. Once you start a family or get interested in cooking something more complicated than wieners and beans, you’re going to find the fridge in your kitchen has less and less space for the cold beverages you love so much. The next thing you know, your fridge is full of tiramisu and your cold ones are out on the back porch. That’s where the Frigidaire Beverage Center comes in. Custom designed to lovingly house cans, bottles, kegs, and anything else alcohol comes in, the Beverage Center is a must have for any garage or backyard. There are a lot of ways to measure a man's worth in this world, whether he drives an expensive sports car, has a great job, dates beautiful women, or has the respect and admiration of his peers. But, for us, if a guy has a second fridge totally dedicated to beverages, then he must being doing something right.

2. The Human Washing Machine (Avant Santelubain 999)

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Source: Avant

We all do it. Whether it’s every morning, once or week, or just on Christmases and birthdays, all of us eventually haul our stinking bodies into the bath. With varying degrees of trepidation, we scrub off the muck and dirt of battle, juggle our soaps and shampoos and fragrant oils, and pretty ourselves up so as to not offend our perfumed modern world. Hundreds of years ago, before the dandies and fancy lads took over, a man was judged by the quality of his reek. Kings, warlords, and bandits wore their BO like badges of honor. It breaks our hearts, but it’s been a long time since a man could revel in his glorious grime and be respected for his powerful funk.

Those days are gone, friends, but fear not. The Japanese have an answer. You still have to wash, but with the Avant Santelubain Human Washing Machine, at least you don’t have to lift a single finger to do it. Entirely automatic, the Avant Santelubain Human Washing Machine will get you wet, lather you up, rinse you off, and dry you just like Mom did when you were a teenager. The Avant Santelubain Human Washing Machine can also apply skin lotion, aromatherapy, and even seaweed packs if you're into that sort of thing. But best of all, this beauty cleans itself! You just jump in, get scrubbed, and jump out. We all have to succumb to the tyranny of clean, but with the Avant Santelubain Human Washing Machine, at least you'll expend zero effort doing it.

1. BBQ Tower Smoker

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Source: Hammacher Schlemmer

Of all of life's appliances, none is more manly than a good, old-fashioned barbecue. In olden times, kings had harems and legions of soldiers to demonstrate their manhood to others. In the modern world, all a guy needs is a bag of charcoal, a pair of tongs, and a red hot grill to show the world he's master of all he surveys. A widescreen TV and a big, fat reclining chair come pretty close, but everybody knows that a flaming BBQ is what a man needs to feel like a king. The only question is how big are you going to go? Any clown can whip out a little Hitachi or a cheapy propane job during BBQ season, but a real man needs something that will put his steaks on notice.

A real man needs the BBQ Tower Smoker.

The Darth Vader of backyard cooking, The BBQ Tower Smoker is six feet of grilling and smoking power. You can cook a whole chicken, ribs, and an entire pork shoulder at the same time! It has six porcelain grills that can cook whatever you throw at them. To top it off, you can remove all of them and just hang a big old chunk of meat on the built-in hook. It's the perfect tool for today's urban caveman. And it's just about the coolest thing you can put in your backyard. Well, besides a beer filled Jacuzzi. But those things are a bitch to clean.

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