Bank Sends Stern and Awful Warning to Employees: Fantasy Football Will Get You Fired

December 16, 2009

After spending the better part of the decade getting rich while destroying the economy, the selfless folks of the financial world who view government handouts as a rite of passage have finally decided to take all the energy they exhausted crippling our country and funnel it inward by ruining the lives of the people told to "not ask questions while shredding the evidence."

Fidelity Investments, which likes to advertise that they’re all about helping people, decided to assist one of their workers to the unemployment line earlier this week for his participation in a fantasy football league.

A spokesman for the bank justified the pre-Christmas pink slip by claiming that "we have clear policies that relate to gambling. Participation in any form of gambling through the use of Fidelity time or equipment or any other company resource is prohibited. We want our employees to be focused on our customers and clients."

The firing came after the recently unemployed financial relationships manager (a job that sounds like it involves strip clubs and heavy bribing) was called into his boss’ office over an instant message.

"One of my buddies sent me something about how bad Trent Edwards was playing or something like that," says an understandably bitter Cameron Pettigrew. "So they called me in and talked to me for about 90 minutes on everything I ever knew about fantasy football."

In all fairness, this wouldn’t be the first time that the poor play of a Buffalo Bills quarterback ruined lives (looking at you, Rob Johnson), but it does seem a little shocking that this alone was worth the firing. If Pettigrew responded by saying "I disagree. Edwards has a lot of potential,” then that's completely understandable. Nobody wants an idiot with zero ability to evaluate talent managing their money.

I think at the end of the day the important thing to remember is that even though fantasy football is much more important than your job and/or marriage - try to pretend like that's not the case while at the office or an anniversary trip to Arby's. Because there's nothing more distracting to a fantasy football draft than unemployment or divorce.

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