5. Blowing Bubbles
Blowing bubbles using your mouth is so last century. These days, all the cool girls are blowing bubbles with their breasts. The science of it is pretty simple and works in much the same way as blowing bubbles the conventional way. Large-breasted women trap air between their honkers, insert a bubble blowing device in their cleavage, and then push their breasts together to push out the air. The result is beautiful bubbles blowing in the wind. The only drawback to this amazing way of using the female mammary gland is the occasional fart-like sound the breasts emit when blowing the bubbles. It’s unfortunate, but well worth the payoff.
4. Kneading Dough
This is perhaps the way all bread should be made. If you think about it, it makes perfect sense. Boobs are arguably more hygienic than hands and they probably make the bread taste way better. I have no scientific basis for this and I’m afraid to admit that I have never tasted bread or pastry kneaded by knockers, but this needs to change. My theory is based solely on the power of breasts to motivate and just make things better overall. After all, a good rack will bring out the best in anything.
3. Assaulting a Police Officer
Photo: AFP/Getty Images
In early March of this year a Kentucky woman was charged with assaulting a police officer… with her breasts. Toni Tramel was originally arrested for public intoxication. She was taken to Daviess County Detention Center in Owensboro and directed to change into a jail uniform. The drunken 31-year-old had trouble taking off her clothes and was assisted by a female police officer. A topless Tramel then attacked the officer, squirting breast milk into her face. Tramel tried a second lactation assault, but was unsuccessful. Officer Lula Brown went through a biohazard decontamination process and Tramel "was booked on an additional charge of third degree assault on a police officer," a felony, and is now crying over spilt milk.
I guess she’s lucky she wasn’t charged with concealing a weapon.
2. Breaking S**t
Busty Heart has a bust that can bust through just about anything. The 48-year-old stripper, whose real name is Susan Sykes, is renowned around the world for her incredibly large breasts and her ability to use them to pulverize common, everyday objects.
Busty’s breasts are an amazing size 46H, with each breast weighing 20 pounds. She uses that weight to smash cans, break tiles, and crush watermelons. The Boston native has travelled the world showcasing her astounding skills at mammary mass destruction. In the U.S., she has appeared on numerous televisions shows, including The Man Show, Steve Harvey’s Big Time Challenge, and Spike’s own Manswers.
Her breasts are so big and powerful that they could be classified as a lethal weapon. In 1997, a patron at the strip club where Busty works sued her for negligence, claiming her massive boobs slammed him, injuring him and resulting in a "bruised, contused, lacerated" neck. The case was later dismissed due to lack of evidence...and Busty lived another day to break things with her boobs.
Photo: Vincent Besnault/Stone/Getty Images
The war on terror is now firmly focused on breasts after British spies learned that al-Qaeda operatives are implanting female suicide bombers with exploding breasts using breast enlargement technology. According to terrorist expert Joseph Farah, "Women suicide bombers recruited by al-Qaeda are known to have had the explosives inserted in their breasts under techniques similar to breast enhancing surgery.” The women are receiving implants filled with the powerful explosive PETN. As little as 5 ounces of PETN would be enough to blow a hole in an airplane and cause it to crash.
If the procedure was performed properly, the bomb would be “virtually impossible” to detect. Anyone suspected of carrying a bomb in their boobs would have to undergo a sophisticated x-ray.
So if you see a fake-breasted woman hanging around airports, you might want to be a little wary.
Note: The photos in this article are being used for illustrative purposes only.