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The Seven Classic Monsters Who Should've Been the Hero

by G_Shakespeare   February 22, 2010 at 10:00AM  |  Views: 2,122

3. Smaug


Source: L George Allen & Unwin

In J.R.R. Tolkien's The Hobbit, Smaug is the evil dragon that Bilbo, Gandalf, and the thirteen surly dwarves go to pull a heist on. Filled with lust for the piles and piles of treasure said to be kept in Smaug's mountain lair, the "heroes" fight trolls, giant spiders, themselves, and other assorted monsters to steal the booty that Smaug has amassed. Now, we're not sure how the criminal justice system works in Middle Earth (although their zoning laws are pretty lax--almost everyone lives in a hole or a cave), but around these parts, if someone breaks into your home with the express purpose of stealing your gear, nobody's going to bat an eye if you waste them with your fire breath. Sure, Smaug probably stole most of the stuff himself, but where does it stop? Is everything up for grabs in Middle Earth? No wonder everyone kept stealing that bloody ring. Possession has got to count for something.

And once the dwarves get their hands on the treasure, they're even bigger dicks about keeping it than Smaug was. The only reason they end up sharing it is because they need help fighting a war. In the end, the moral of The Hobbit seems to be whoever doesn't end up with a sword in the belly gets to keep the cash. The same lesson is told with a lot more swearing (and cooler tunes) in Reservoir Dogs.

Surely the story would have taught a better lesson if Smaug was the hero. Generations of kids would grow up to be responsible homeowners if only they read Smaug: The Mighty Dragon Who Defended His Property From a Bunch of Little Bastards Who Wanted To Take What Was His.


2. Medusa


Photo: MGM

One of the few lady monsters with enough game to hang with the big boys, Medusa seems like she's striking a blow for female monster rights. She's all alone in a man's world, terrorizing just as many heroes as any man monster, and for half the pay. But a closer look at her back story reveals a weeper that would be right at home on Lifetime.

Once a beautiful maiden, Medusa's first mistake is to fall for the Sea God Poseidon. Now, maybe it's because he lived at the bottom of the ocean or maybe it's because he was Greek, but Poseidon was one seriously freaky dude. Once he wins her heart (or "gets her in the sack" for those unfamiliar with Greek Mythology), Poseidon doesn't just take her back to his place or even a seedy motel. Instead, Captain Kink convinces her to bump uglies in a temple. Not only that, but this temple is one dedicated to the worship of Athena. Who is his niece. We told you he was freaky.

Anyway, after Athena finds out, yells "Ewwww," and disinfects the place, she plots her revenge. Since she can't go after Poseidon himself (there was some kind of union rule) she takes it out on Medusa, turning her into a hideous monster with snakes for hair. And because Athena's a bitch, she also makes it that whoever Medusa looks at turns to stone. Medusa has to move in with her sisters, gives birth to a winged horse, and then gets her head cut off from some jerk who wants to pimp his shield.

But don't take our word for it. You can see the whole tragic story in the upcoming TV movie, Dance With a Stranger: The Medusa Gorgon Story.


1. Lucifer


Source: Ary Scheffer

You don't get much more reviled than the big red guy with the horns. Once the dopest angel in heaven, Lucifer made one cardinal mistake that forced him out of paradise everlasting and into an eternity of agony in the worst basement apartment in the universe. And what was this great crime? This dastardly offence that demanded an eternal punishment the likes of which has never been seen before or since. The dude was a bit of a blowhard.

Lucifer was used to being tops in God's heart and when God created man, he got a little sore. God, not understanding that kids sometimes get jealous when they get a new brother or sister, says "deal with it." Satan gets mad, takes a vote, and convinces one-third of the other angels that God is being so totally unfair that it's not even funny. There's a fight, God wins, and the upstarts get chucked into a lake of fire for the rest of time to think about what they did.

God's no idiot, and he can do what he wants, but any good boss will tell you that if 33% of your employees have a grievance, you should at least throw them a bone. Instead of condemning Lucifer to burn for all eternity, would it have killed God to let him form a fact-finding committee and hold a few hearings or something? God could still go ahead with his plans, but at least Lucifer would feel like his thoughts and feeling were valued. But no, old brassballs had to put his foot down and now every suburb in the world has at least one daycare that's actually a secret house of demonic worship. Thanks a lot, God!


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