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The 10 Greatest Non-Human Drinkers

by DannyGallagher   January 11, 2011 at 10:00AM  |  Views: 1,451

5. The cows of Sezmu Meats of Saskatchewan, Canada

Source: Allan Baxter/Photodisc/Getty Images

Being a cow must suck the sour teat of tragedy. Not only has Mother Nature designed you to be the least fearsome and lumbering of her lowliest creatures, but she also made your wide ass the tastiest thing on the planet. Plus, the only animal that should be allowed to drink can’t because their hands have the same grip power as a set of unopened soup cans.

One Canadian meat farm not only helps cows with their natural depression, but also makes them tastier by default. The farm regularly feeds their stock of cattle and future steaks gallons of red wine. The cows not only come back for round after round until last call, but the wine also makes a perfect morbid marinade when they are slaughtered and turned into delicious main courses. If the cows could eat themselves, they would ask for seconds and wash it down with a nice glass of "pain-go-away juice."

4. Honeybees

Source: Don Farrall/Digital Vision/Getty Images

Science has given us many wonderful things. Without it, we wouldn’t know such mankind-changing facts as the viscosity of human anger spittle, the shelf-life of Twinkies, or the inexplicable longevitiy of Yoko Ono.

Thankfully, this wave of progress has not yet reached its highwater mark. We now know that honeybees can and do get drunk. A group of scientists fed a hive a heavy cluster of ethanol and found that they not only took to the sense-altering substance, but it also disrupted their social patterns and behaviors. All they really had to do was go to any bar in America and watch a hapless nerd get pissed five ways from Sunday and try to hit on a girl so completely out of his league that even Drew Rosenhaus couldn’t cajole her into going all the way to the "Big Show" with him.


3. Bender from Futurama

Source: 20th Century Fox Television

Who says that you have to be a walking sack of meat and feathers to enjoy more than your fair share of the nectar of the Gods? Machines are people too, if people ran on batteries and came with warranty cards written in four different languages.

This literal drinking machine spends about three-quarters of his days pounding down everything from beer to martinis (depending on the time of day and position of the sun, he may be an alcoholic but he’s still got class) because, well, he has to. And unlike your jobless uncle who says he has to have a drink to get through the day, it’s actually true in Bender’s case. Being sober has the opposite effect on his shiny metal ass since he runs on pure alcohol and a lack of the stuff makes him belligerent and moody. Well, more than usual. Think of him as a giant metal brother-in-law, only more huggable and likely to steal from you while you’re sleeping.

2. The Pen-Tailed Tree Shrew of Malaysia

Source: Wikipedia

Remember that good-looking guy in college who could drink anyone under the table and still have enough of his faculties to pick up your keys and the cute blonde at the end of the bar? Now he has someone he can hate for a change.

This particular species of tree shrew not only drinks the strongest drinks among the animal kingdom (a nectar that contains 3.8 percent alcohol), but he can hold his liquor better than a 50-foot longshoreman with a three-day pass and an uncashed pension check. So remember, folks: don’t drink and drive and if you do drink, bring along a Malaysian pen-tailed tree shrew that also knows how to drive.

1. Hosehead from Strange Brew

Source: Warner Bros.

Sure, more famous movie animals had more than their fair share of the booze. Lassie would get drunk in his trailer in between takes to soften the pain of being famous. Benji regularly tossed a few back in his day over fears that the tabloids would out him as a closet poodle.

The trusty canine sidekick of noted beer swillers Bob and Doug MacKenzie, however, didn’t just drink beer. It gave him special powers like the ability to fly at the speed of sound across great distances and warn strangers about unseen dangers. This dog could not only save the day, but he could do it on a full, warm tank of Canada’s finest. Spiderman couldn’t even make it halfway down a city block after leaving a bar without turning around to get his keys.



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