The 10 Greatest Non-Human Drinkers
Humans aren’t the only beings to indulge in getting so trashed that they can find a lamp sexually attractive or maybe even “the one.” Alcoholism and the fun of being physically unable to remember your name knows no biologic boundaries.
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10. The Vervet Monkeys of St. Kitts Island
Every group of hard drinking guys has that one member who doesn’t like the taste of pure alcohol. So instead of tossing back rounds of whiskey or a stiff vodka martini, he orders the sweetest libation on the menu, a drink so ridiculously colorful and tart that you could decorate Boy George’s bathroom with it.
Meet the vervet monkeys of St. Kitts, a.k.a. the girl drinkers of the animal kingdom. These primates are native to Africa but were brought to this island in the West Indies to make the place more tropical for tourists. The monkeys spent no time making themselves at home and even developed a taste for the sickly sweet tropical fruit drinks that the natives sling at tourists by the pitcher. In fact, they are known for stealing the guests’ drinks when they aren’t looking. So not only are they the wussiest drinkers of the animal world, but they are the biggest check skippers as well.
9. Hooch from Turner & Hooch
Source: Buena Vista Pictures
The only Tom Hanks film not to have been made into a Broadway musical bomb (yet) featured a gruff but loveable dog who liked to wet his whistle by cracking open a cold one. It’s an even more impressive trait considering he did it without thumbs, a discernable taste in beer, or the good sense to recycle the aluminum cans once he was done gulping them down.
This scruffy Dogue de Bordeaux’s former owner didn't take much of a likin’ to his vet’s advice to feed his pet normal dog food. Instead, Hooch consisted on a diet of chocolate chip cookies and more than a few cans of cold brewskis. Hooch became such a good drunk that he even learned how to open the cans by cracking open the metal seals with his teeth. That’s not bad for a dog. Hell, for a human, it’s the sign of a much needed intervention.
8. Brian Griffin from Family Guy
Source: 20th Century Fox Television
When he’s not recalling pointless anecdotes about his brush with pop culture’s past or trying to get into his owner’s wife’s pants, this family dog likes to let the world pass him by downing more than a few cocktails during his day.
The Griffins’ family pet is actually a fairly high functioning drunk for a dog who regularly downs martinis and carries a hip flask with him where ever he goes, despite the fact he doesn’t wear pants or have any discernable pockets on him. In fact, compared to the rest of the Griffin clan, Brian is practically a Rhodes scholar since he could hold his own and still utter sentences that sound like they were crafted by John Cheever. It’s probably no surprise that both were high functioning drunks, although given the amount of hooch Cheever consumed on a day-to-day basis, they probably smelled about the same.
7. The Lorikeet Parrots of Australia
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It seems that every other day, there is a weird story hitting the front pages about hundreds of birds suddenly dropping out of the sky for no explicable reason. Some believe rampant pollution is the cause. Others believe it to be a rare strain of bacteria or a new bird virus. Most are forgetting that birds in places like Arkansas probably fall out of the sky by the hundreds due to rampant gunfire, unclean water, or the depressing fact that they live in Arkansas.
One hypothesis they might have overlooked is their inate ability to overindulge in drink. A town in Australia regularly sees entire populations of dead drunk lorikeet parrots dropping out of the skies, most likely due to a fermented plant that makes them drunk. Unfortunately, they also suffer from massive hangovers and require specialized care to get them over their own personal morning from Hell. Why isn’t PETA all over this? Anyone with a working head, a central nervous system, and a bar tab knows the suffering a morning hangover brings and would gladly donate whatever they could to rid the world of this debilitating illness. The same goes for herpes research.
6. Winky the House-Elf from the Harry Potter Series
Of course, alcohol isn’t a consequenceless substance or one that should be handled with kid gloves. As fun as enjoying it can be, it also comes with dangerous, downright deadly consequences. It especially shouldn’t be abused when a person is in a state of deep sadness or regret. Alcohol is a depressant and can only amplify those emotions. Unless, of course, your an elf. The only thing is amplifies is how hilarious they look.
The former House-Elf for the Crouch family fell into a deep depression after the family let her go and instead of finding another job, updating her resume or joining a networking seminar, she turned to “Butterbear” as her career counselor. So if you’re concerned that the “Harry Potter” books are teaching impressionable children the benefits of solving problems with violence or the tenants of witchcraft, don’t fret. They are also learning an important lesson about life: beer makes the pain in your tummy less hurty.