In true 1000 Ways to Die fashion, and in a world where the word "celebrity" no longer means much, we've taken it upon ourselves to "roast" a few of Hollywood's notorious celebs to help kick off Season 3 of 1000 Ways, premiering next Tuesday, September 14th at 10pm/9c.
5. Heidi Montag
Heidi Montag-Pratt (...er, Montag?) first entered our lives as a young, beautiful and adequately-chested woman on Laguna Beach thanks to her leeching off of the equally painful, Lauren Conrad. Soon after Conrad moved to Los Angeles to attend the Fashion Institute of Design and Merchandising, and Montag tagged along, gaining a role on Conrad’s new MTV series, The Hills. Later, Heidi dropped out of the FIDM, leaving behind its ivy-covered buildings and tense debates about Kierkegaard for a position at Bolthouse Productions. Cut to today where Montag is now a reality show causality and lacking any discernible skills. She continues to annoy the crap out of us with staged paparazzi shoots, bad albums, and (most famously) an enormous amount of unnecessary plastic surgery. Most recently there was talk of a fake sex tape that no one wanted to see, and now one that no one actually will.
For all this and more, we choose for Heidi Montag death by . . . TITTY TITTY BANG BANG!
4. Kanye West
It’s always great when you’re your number one fan as you certainly know how to please your audience. Such is the case with Kanye West. West began his career as a rap producer, but it wasn’t until he released his own solo album, The College Dropout and the hit song "Jesus Walks" that he took off. However, it was with his follow-up album and the Grammy nominated song “Gold Digger” that the name Kanye became synonymous with success. Unfortunately, success wasn’t enough for West. He still needed as much attention as he could grab. First, stealing the spotlight on a Katrina benefit announcing most famously that “George Bush doesn’t care about black people.” Then it was a Rolling Stone cover dressed as Jesus. Finally came the various VMA interruptions including the time he busted on stage and notoriously disrupted Taylor Swift’s “Best Female Video” acceptance speech, announcing that Beyonce should have won. When will Kanye learn that you can’t be an a-hole and expect people to give you awards?
For all this and more, we choose for Kanye West death by . . . SCREWGED!
3. Lindsay Lohan
Where, oh, where do we begin? Lohan started her career as a Ford model in their children’s division before landing her first leading role in the remake of The Parent Trap. Double your Lindsay, double your fun. It wasn’t until her turn in the Disney body-swapping flick, Freaky Friday, that America collectively asked, “who’s that?” The Long Island born teen went on to star in a slew of Disney films which belied her off-stage lifestyle filled with nightclubs, booze, and any guy willing to “help” with her daddy issues. Her crowning glory came with 2004’s Mean Girls, but from there it was all downhill. It’s hard to peak at eighteen, but Lohan achieved it. Several bad albums and unreleasable indie films later, Lohan’s acting career has been on ice thanks to a string of rehab stints, court dates and this past month – a jail sentence. Too bad this 24-year-old now looks twice her age thanks to her partying ways.
For all this and more, we choose for Lindsay Lohan death by . . . LESBOCUTION!
2. Justin Bieber
We’re all secretly waiting for Mr. Bieber’s voice to crack, but until then this teen pop sensation will remind us that YouTube can in fact make you famous. After being discovered on the Internet video site, Bieber quickly was scooped up for management by Scooter Braun and signed to Island Records in a joint venture between the label, Braun, and R&B singer Usher. In less than two years, and one really bad haircut later, Bieber has been on Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin' Eve with Ryan Seacrest, performed for President Obama, and has presented at the Grammys. His first album, My World, charted three Billboard Top 100 singles. More recently he’s performed on SNL, been hit by a bottle at a concert, and fingers crossed, has been asked to perform in North Korea thanks to a fan vote on his website.
For all this and more, we choose for Justin Bieber death by . . . LITTLE PERSON BIG DEATH!
1. Paris Hilton
The recent refrain “I didn’t know it was cocaine, I thought it was gum” is the dumbest thing to spew from Paris Hilton’s mouth since she was filmed having oral sex with celebrity banger Rick Salomon. Heiress to the Hilton hotel fortune, Paris Hilton has been on the Hollywood party scene for the better part of a decade. In that time, she began the trend of being famous for simply being famous. Her unwarranted notoriety garnered her work as a runway model, and sent the paparazzi out in droves as the Barbie doll hit up the nightclub circuit with the likes of Britney Spears, Kim Kardashian, and Nicole Richie, the latter of whom she starred with on Fox’s reality show, The Simple Life. Hilton has since become somewhat of a Renaissance woman, even if she can’t spell the word, as she has taken to acting, singing, and heaven help us, writing. She’s also dated a litany of men, including a billionaire named Paris...talk about vain. Having been arrested numerous times for DUI, pot possession, and the aforementioned cocaine bust, Paris may now be heading back to jail, having already served a few days back in 2007.
For all this and more, we choose for Paris Hilton death by . . . BIRD-BRAINED!
Want to see more exciting ways to die? Remember to check out the season premiere of 1000 Ways to Die Tuesday, September 14th at 10pm/9c with all-new episodes following each week.
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