Top 10 Things More Dangerous Than Swine Flu

The swine flu epidemic is no epidemic at all. Mostly it’s a media frenzy designed by the man to drive up ratings and foster fear. Don’t believe me? Well, let me list 10 other things that will definitely kill you before the swine flu gets to you.

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10. The Death Penalty

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Granted, it’s somewhat tricky to be sentenced to death. But, with the worldwide death toll for swine flu hovering around 50, it’s a helluva lot more likely that a judge is going to condemn you to a shocking doom than a pig is going to kill you with germs that are 100% curable and preventable. In the U.S. there have only been two deaths from swine flu while last year there were 36 deaths sanctioned by the state and nobody freaked the hell out then. Ironically, if you go to Mexico, they don’t have the death penalty. Then, maybe, you should start watching out for dubious oinkers.

9. Your Doctor

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I tell you what, chief. If you really want to stay healthy, stay the f*** away from hospitals and doctors. And before you go judging me for being a end-of-days doomsayer that buries .22 bullets in his backyard because soon they’ll be our currency, check this out. Yeah, doctors kill about 200,000 people a year. Dude, I don’t know if I mentioned this, but in the U.S., only two people have died from Swine Flu in 2009. That's even less than the number of people killed by sunlight every year.

8. Peanuts

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Peanuts are so effing deadly it’s not even funny. Mr. Peanut is the monocled face of your doom and you don’t even know it. Peanut allergies affect about 1.7% of the population and are suspected to be the most common type of food-related death. This year (so far), three people have died from just peanut butter -- not even the nuts themselves. Even kissing somebody who has eaten peanuts can kill you. Pass the friggin’ bacon.

7. Yourself

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The suicide rate in the United States isn’t remarkably high compared to the world average, but it's much, much higher than the Swine Flu-icide rate which is statistically insignificant. Rather than not eating copious amounts of pork product, you’re better off just going over to Post Secret and chilling out for a while.

6. Booze

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There are a lot of ways alcohol can kill you. There are so many ways that when you add them all together, you get about 100,000 deaths a year. That’s about 50,000 times more dangerous than the swine flu, and I’m not a mathematician or anything, but that seems like a lot. You know what the rub is, though? When you’re super duper drunk, don’t you want to just eat a whole garbage truck full of bacon?