The Top 10 Things More Dangerous Than Swine Flu

May 8, 2009

The swine flu epidemic is no epidemic at all.  Mostly it’s a media frenzy designed by the man to drive up ratings and foster fear.  Don’t believe me?  Well, let me list 10 other things that will definitely kill you before the swine flu gets to you. 

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10. The Death Penalty


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Granted, it’s somewhat tricky to be sentenced to death.  But, with the worldwide death toll for swine flu hovering around 50, it’s a helluva lot more likely that a judge is going to condemn you to a shocking doom than a pig is going to kill you with germs that are 100% curable and preventable. In the U.S. there have only been two deaths from swine flu while last year there were 36 deaths sanctioned by the state and nobody freaked the hell out then.  Ironically, if you go to Mexico, they don’t have the death penalty.  Then, maybe, you should start watching out for dubious oinkers.

9. Your Doctor


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I tell you what, chief.  If you really want to stay healthy, stay the f*** away from hospitals and doctors.  And before you go judging me for being a end-of-days doomsayer that buries .22 bullets in his backyard because soon they’ll be our currency, check this out. Yeah, doctors kill about 200,000 people a year. Dude, I don’t know if I mentioned this, but in the U.S., only two people have died from Swine Flu in 2009.  That's even less than the number of people killed by sunlight every year.  

8. Peanuts


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Peanuts are so effing deadly it’s not even funny.  Mr. Peanut is the monocled face of your doom and you don’t even know it.  Peanut allergies affect about 1.7% of the population and are suspected to be the most common type of food-related death.  This year (so far), three people have died from just peanut butter -- not even the nuts themselves. Even kissing somebody who has eaten peanuts can kill you.  Pass the friggin’ bacon.

7. Yourself


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The suicide rate in the United States isn’t remarkably high compared to the world average, but it's much, much higher than the Swine Flu-icide rate which is statistically insignificant.  Rather than not eating copious amounts of pork product, you’re better off just going over to Post Secret and chilling out for a while. 

6. Booze


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There are a lot of ways alcohol can kill you.  There are so many ways that when you add them all together, you get about 100,000 deaths a year.  That’s about 50,000 times more dangerous than the swine flu, and I’m not a mathematician or anything, but that seems like a lot.  You know what the rub is, though?  When you’re super duper drunk, don’t you want to just eat a whole garbage truck full of bacon?

5. Vending Machines


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Vending machines account for an average of two deaths every year in America.  That’s the same as swine flu so far, and that’s just the machines themselves falling over and crushing people.  That statistic doesn’t account for all the deadly Fritos people are choking on every day.

4. Your Car


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It’s obvious, but it needs to be said.  Auto-related deaths are so prevalent that you’re almost forgiven for thinking the swine flu is more dangerous and freaking out about it.  Motor vehicle crashes account for almost 30,000 deaths a year, and schools are being shut down because of swine flu.  They’re probably saving more lives by not letting kids get on the buses. 

3. Your Best Friend


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Statistically, you're much more likely to be gunned down, stabbed, or otherwise brutally murdered by your close friends and lovers than you are to die from swine flu.  Granted, your friend may not seem like a homicidal maniac, but at least they probably don't seem like an oinker.  If you're worried about this scenario, just get the suspected stabber to take this quiz.

2. The Normal Flu


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The swine flu sounds terrifying because it sounds like something you get after being pig-raped.  However, it’s not nearly as dangerous or easy-to-get as the regular flu.  In fact, the regular flu had killed “thousands” since January of this year.  Regular flu is mowing people down like a hero with a chainsaw in a field of zombies, and nobody is batting an eye.  It’s probably because pig rape is, frankly, worse than death.

1. Sex


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I tell you what, man.  20,000 people die in the U.S. alone because of “sexual behavior.”  I mean, if you gotta choose a way to go, boning isn’t a bad way.  But the point is, if you’re going to be worried about dying, you’re better off trying not to fall of a building, crash your car, or break your wiener when you’re doing the do. However, if Danger is your middle name, perhaps you should just cook up a little breakfast meat on a super-hot coed and hedonistically screw and eat your way into oblivion.