The Top 50 Downsides to Owning a Sexbot

February 5, 2010

This year's Adult Entertainment Expo in Las Vegas featured the unveiling of the world's first fully interactive sexual machine, taking something that was just a figment of the imagination of Isaac Asimov novels and James Brown songs into the real world. But like everything electronic and expensive, owning a fully wired girlfriend is bound to come with more baggage than Delta's lost and found department.

Source: ROBYN BECK/AFP/Getty Images

By Danny Gallagher


- A sexbot would go through as many batteries as a human girlfriend.

- Cheating on her could cause the sexiest robot uprising for all time.

- Apple is bound to make an "iSlut" that works 10 times better and costs 100 times more.

- The European models are bound to require some kind of adapter...for your penis.

- Owning one finally gives those "furry" fetishists someone to look down upon.

- Freezes up twice as fast as your average wife.

- Blade Runners keep barging in, shooting your date on sight, and totally ruining the mood.

- Now smoking after sex isn't a compliment but more of a fire hazard.

- Makes every high school prom twice as awkward.

- Foreplay is immediately ruined when you're asked to remember your "mother's maiden name."

- Pillow talk is suddenly interrupted by unwanted pop-ups for

- Watching your girlfriend get in a catfight with your sexbot when she catches you together would be lacking unless you upgrade her to the "rotating band saw" and "flamethrower" peripherals. But for it to be a fair fight, you'd also have to buy two more for your sexbot.

- A healthy round of antibiotics can't do squat for a contracted trojan horse.

- Your blender and microwave would start to get jealous and eventually, self-conscious.

- You'll still end up blowing over $1,000 just to play solitaire with her when you get bored.

- This time, "defragging" your girlfriend isn't as exciting as it sounds.

- Somehow Al Gore will find a way to make you feel guilty about owning one.

- Just as you get comfortable and settled with her, you still realize you left the remote out of arm's reach and wish you didn't have to get up to get it.

- Scotchguard is expensive and raises suspicions when you buy it by the keg.

- Not only does she constantly ask you "What are you thinking?" after sex, but your response has to be 140 characters or less.

- Somehow they all know Charlie Sheen.

- Buying a refurbished model loses its economic appeal.

- The hybrid models might be better for the environment, but are twice as creepy since they don't make any noise.

- Making a sex tape means the camera can get jealous.

- It's bound to inspire another insipid sci-fi action summer film starring Will Smith.

- Having to write love poetry to her becomes twice as complicated: "How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. 011000010100100011001000..."

- If your junk is actually "USB compatible," maybe you should consider buying some of those enlargement pills instead.

- The energy bills alone are bound to screw up your credit as much as an actual wife.

- Now leaving the seat up at night can result in "immediate termination."

- It keeps asking if you are Sarah Connor.

- She still demands you watch One Tree Hill with her.

- The Nano version is so small that you keep leaving it in the pocket of your jeans when you're doing laundry.

- President Obama's new "Bucks for Bimbos" program will just give more people taxpayer money to buy gas guzzling imports.

- Technically, plugging her into a wall outlet is "cheating."

- The warranty doesn't cover "crying" on either you or her.

- You'll look twice as pathetic on Cheaters when their undercover cameras catch you on an intimate date with the toaster.

- You still need a GPS to find her G-spot.

- Her "iPad" isn't as interesting as it sounds.

- "Not tonight I have a headache" is replaced with "Can't find a usable main.tcl in the following directories: C:/CYGWIN/TOOLS/share?gdbtcl, C:/gywin/tools/gbtcl, C:/cygwin/tools/gbtcl/admin.doc, no such variable, can't read "errMsg", no such variable while executing "tk_messageBox -title Error message, could not find the widget libraries, "got nameofexec: [info nameofexecutable], error(s) were$errMsg" -icon e.., invoked from within, "if [{find_iwdigets_library]} {tk_messageBox-title Error -message, could not find the widgets libarires. God nameofexec: [info nameofexecutable.. (file "C:/cygwin/tools/share/gbtcl/main.tcl" line 53) invoked from within, "source C:/cygwin/tool/share/gbtcl/main.tcl" ["uplevel body line1} invoked from within, uplevel#0 [list source $file]"

- Bringing her to meet the parents couldn't be more awkward if you were dating a constantly coked-up Amy Winehouse.

- Toyota is bound to institute a recall for another kind of "sticky" pedal.

- Spending all of your Friday nights surfing the net for porn is considered living a more fruitful and fulfilling life.

- Admitting that you own one can totally ruin your profile.

- You can never convince your girlfriend that your sexbot is okay with having a threesome.

- The crippling embarrassment when the robotic Chris Hansen walks into the room.

- The sounds of moaning and passionate lovemaking have been replaced with the sounds of pneumatic drills and jacks from the pit crew at the Indianapolis 500.

- Buying her breakfast the following morning consists of maxing out your credit card at the nearest Exxon (although watching her mouth the gas nozzle is still kind of hot).

- Your wife still doesn't understand you.

- Doesn't your therapist work hard enough already?


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