Elderly Baseball Manager Uses Grit, Determination and Cocaine to Motivate Team

Contrary to popular belief, using illicit drugs will not make you better at your job. Especially if your chosen profession involves managing a professional baseball team.

Just ask 47-year-old Texas Rangers manager Ron Washington, who tested positive for cocaine use last year – something Major League Baseball sort of frowns upon.

"I made a huge mistake and it almost caused me to lose everything I have worked for all of my life," Washington said at a news conference Wednesday. "I am not here to make excuses. There are none."

Washington took a page out of the Bill Clinton “I didn’t inhale” playbook and explained that he had only done it once, and is deeply sorry.

Now, contrary to what my mother tells her knitting circle – I’m not a doctor or even attractive enough to play one on television. However, most medical web sites claim that cocaine usually leaves your system in less than a week (and even quicker for a first time user). So, the one time Washington was randomly tested, it happened to be within days of the first time he ever used cocaine? Obviously this guy has the worst luck in the world - because there’s no other explanation, right?

Since the story broke the Rangers have refused to punish Washington in any real capacity, sending a stern message to children considering the exciting world of drug abuse.

I’m not saying Washington should be fired, because of his drug use. I think he should be fired because he has one of the most talented line-ups in baseball and couldn’t get within 10 games of winning the pennant. Just ask Alex Rodriguez - only winners are allowed to break drug-related rules and get away with it.