Just in time for the World Cup of Soccer this summer (which South African officials claim people “probably won’t get murdered at”), the fine folks at protektorvest.com have developed personalized "stab vests" for fans of any country participating in the event.
For the first time in years, you can finally walk around with a Brazilian flag on your chest without the fear of being savagely murdered in the parking lot by a rowdy Australian fan who's looking to take his anger of that exciting scoreless tie out on someone. (Coincidentally, this is how the Ancient Mayans prophesized the death of the Olsen twins.)
Never before has a product come along that exclusively caters to both soccer fans and people who are terrified of getting stabbed by soccer fans. Hell, it may even be useful in the Washington Wizards locker room or the next "bring your own gun night" at a Baltimore Ravens game.
But wait, is there a charity angle here? (asks the British guy in our office who seems to view the stab vest as more of a “challenge for my knife” than a nice birthday present.)
Of course there is! For every stab vest sold, protektorvest.com will donate one dollar to “charities fighting against knife crimes.” Talk about making a difference.
Order your stab vest today, and remember that it’s all fun and games until someone is lying in a pool of blood in a South African parking lot.