Finding and keeping a girlfriend can be a real pain. You have to leave the house, shower, and pretend you give a rat's ass about Lindsay Lohan. It's hard work! Sometimes (like when she makes you go apple picking with her jerky friends from college) being in a relationship seems like way more trouble than it's worth. Wouldn't it be awesome if there was a way to get all the benefits of having a girlfriend with none of the responsibilities? Well, science feels your pain, bro and has been working overtime to make you the fake girl of your dreams!
Source: Abyss Creations
A lot of companies say they make the best fake woman in the world, but few can give Abyss Creations' RealDoll a run for the money. With its fully poseable skeleton, realistic feeling hair and silicone skin, the RealDoll truly lives up to its name. It even weighs the same as a real woman! The Cadillac of creepily realistic sex dolls, the RealDoll is fully functional and can even be heated up to give it a more life-like feel. There are several body types and faces available, so you can customize your RealDoll to meet your exacting, dirty specifications. Unfortunately, the eyes only come in one setting: hauntingly soulless. If you can get over the dead eyes staring lifelessly at you, the RealDoll is the top of the line. But all these bells and whistles don't come cheap. The RealDoll is a premium sex toy and comes at a premium price. Units start at $6,500 and can go as high as $10,000. But when you calculate the hours of enjoyment you're going to get spending time with your lump of plastic, it's totally worth it.
5. The Kari Virtual Girlfriend
But what if you want a pretend girlfriend and you don't have $10,000 lying around or the closet space to store a life-size sex toy? Why not try a virtual option? Kari The Virtual Girlfriend is an inexpensive girlfriend sim that you can get right on your desktop. You can talk to her and she remembers everything you say. The idea is that eventually she'll know you so well that she will be a perfect conversationalist and companion to you. In reality, her weird vocal patterns make it sound more like you're on a date with Stephen Hawking and she seems to have a vocabulary of only about 100 phrases, 50 of which are "cute" and the rest of which are very, very dirty. One minute she's spouting some dimestore philosophy, the next she's asking to be "f***ed so hard." It's the video game equivalent of dating a drunken first-year philosophy student with really low self-esteem. Kari may say weird things and not have the more tactile benefits of some of the other more physical girlfriend substitutes on this list, but one thing puts her miles above them all. It's a hell of a lot easier to hide her when your buddies come over than it is a 120-pound chunk of latex.
4. The Girlfriend Lap Pillow
But what if you don't want all the hassle of dressing and cleaning a life-size mannequin? Or can't be bothered clicking the mouse to give some pixelated image flowers on her pretend birthday? What if you just want somewhere to rest your head? Well then the girlfriend lap pillow is just for you. Designed and sold in Japan (where else?), the Girlfriend Lap Pillow is exactly what it says it is: a pillow-shaped like a woman's lap that you can put your head on. It comes in varieties like French Maid, Office Lady, and Housewife. In a busy place like Japan, where young men are asked to work really long hours, meeting someone who will let you use their lap for a pillow can be a real challenge. Why not fork over a few bucks instead and buy the lap of your dreams? Sure, compared to the other items on the list, it may not be much in the conversation or romance department, but in the putting-your-head-on-a-pillow-shaped-like-a-woman's-lap-department, it's got them beaten hands down.
3. Body Pillow Girlfriends
We've already established that Japanese men use pillows instead of real women to sleep on. But what about the guys who are looking for a little more out of a pillow than a place to rest their head? For the man who wants a more complete relationship with a stuffed cloth sack, Japan has happily provided full-length body pillow girlfriends. Now, they aren't just plain old everyday body pillows (because that would be weird!). These pillows have images of cartoon characters on them. Cartoon characters that grown men pretend to have relationships with. It's true. A small but steady number of men in Japan engage in long-term, monogamous relationships with body pillows that have famous anime characters printed on them. They sleep together, go out on dates, and do just about everything else normal couples do. And, you know what? More power to them. It may seem a little odd, but who are we to judge the mysteries of love.
Now, does anybody know if they sell Betty or Veronica ones?
2. 3G Cellphone Virtual Girlfriend
But who has time to sit in front of a computer talking to a cheap AI program or lug around a body-sized pillow. What if you want to take your fake girlfriend everywhere you go, but don't want anyone to know you're slowly falling in love with a few megabytes of code? A Hong Kong company called Artificial Life Inc has created a girlfriend sim that you can take anywhere. It's a mobile game that allows you to watch a bunch of female characters go through their weekly lives. You can check in with her at her home, her job, the local shopping mall, or even a bar. If you're not satisfied just stalking your virtual crush, you can also text her, send her virtual gifts, and even chat in real time. As you progress through the game, you can spend every waking moment with the girl of your dreams and watch as she evolves and develops. Virtual Girlfriend is more of a game than a real girlfriend substitute, but you can still get some of the experiences you would have with a girlfriend. Best of all, Virtual Girlfriend is really easy to hide. If someone notices you intently tapping away on your phone you can always tell them you're playing Tetris. And not spending hours choosing just the right teddy bear to give to your virtual girlfriend on your imaginary anniversary.
1. Roxxxy the Robot Girlfriend
If the RealDoll is the girl-next-door of girlfriend substitutes, Roxxxy the Robot Girlfriend is her wild older sister. The Hustler to RealDoll's Playboy. RealDoll is the sex doll you bring home to meet mom. Roxxxy is the sex doll you party with on a Saturday night and don't call back in the morning. Inspired by a friend who died on September 11th (really) the guy who built Roxxy, Douglas Hines, says he wanted to build a sex robot with a difference. This one talks. Roxxxy is also equipped with touch sensors and she can respond to the terrible, terrible things you might want to do to it. It doesn't move, but you can just pretend she's really nervous or uninterested. The only drawback to the talking feature is it's still pretty rudimentary. Ask Roxxy a question about Obamacare or last night's episode of Manswers and she'll just stare at you blankly. Actually, ask her just about anything and it'll stare at you blankly, but come on, you didn't drop $7,000 on a sex robot to talk to it, did you?