Greatest Female Athlete Ever to Play Least Popular Sport Ever

December 1, 2009

Say what you will about her steroid abuse, casual sex with shot putters, and a recent stint in federal prison for lying to a grand jury about drug possession and being born without an Adam’s apple, but Marion Jones is still the greatest chemically-engineered female athlete alive today. So, when she announced her attempt to join a completely different sport in order to pay off outstanding lawyer’s fees the world took noticed and excitedly asked, "Really, she's still alive?"

Jones, who won three track and field gold medals that were later confiscated by authorities, is planning to enter the WNBA and resume a basketball career that was once very promising shortly after the Cold War.

According to people who follow women’s college basketball, Jones was an integral part of the University of North Carolina Tar Heels’ National Championship team in 1993, during a period where she was not caught for using performance enhancing drugs - at all!

In a recent interview with something called The New York Times, Jones claimed that she plans to be on a WNBA roster by next season while explaining that her time in prison was great for lifting weights and kicking old drug habits. (Talk about a real character player.)

As the only member of the team who served as a WNBA broadcast assistant during a very dark and confusing time in my life, I wish you nothing but luck, Miss Jones.

And remember, drug tests are beatable if you’re willing to sleep with the guy who handles the urine.

Source: Matthew Stockman/Getty Images Sport/Getty Images