You're at the bar, just enjoying an Ol' Fashioned the way your bartender knows you like it, when a tall fleshy column of pure beauty wanders into your view. You muster up the nerve to introduce yourself and let her know that you'd like to get to know her better when one of the following obstacles also wanders into your now-glowing red iris view.
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By Danny Gallagher
10. The Dance Machine
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The late great Bill Hicks said, "Real men don't dance. They smoke, swear, and curse." You can tell that's true because when men are forced to dance, they are usually accompanying it with one of the other three. She's the member of the group who took her friends to the bar to do one thing and one thing only, and it's the one thing that make men less attractive to women the more successful they are at it. Well, that and being able to eat a corn dog in one bite without gagging.
9. The Eyebrow Archer
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Think you're clever, funny, or generally affable? She doesn't, and no amount of words can express her disdain for your attempts to prove otherwise. She can shoot down every joke, compliment, and sincere observation with an arch of her John Belushi-like eyebrow. She can turn you into a self-aware, blubbering, quivering mess right before your beloved's eyes and she doesn't even have to open her mouth. She'll make a man very happy one day -- and by happy, I mean constantly and clinically depressed.
8. The Dearly Dumped
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Usually vulnerable women who hang out in bars can make your night heaven, but when they are shackled to the heart of your beloved and are producing enough tears to fill a keg twice over, they can make your night hell. They've just been dumped by some bigger heartless jerk than you and could only draw more attention away from you if they were on fire, an option you considered until you realized every bar has an indoor smoking ban.
7. Big, Big, BIG Brother
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It's often said that if you want to get through a girl's heart, then you have to go through her family. In this case, you'll literally have to get through her family's heart if you want to even get close to her (usually, your average variety garden tool works just fine). He's known her since she was running around in diapers and flinging her momma's food all over the dining room walls and, to him, she's still that sweet, innocent little thing that brought nothing but joy and peace and happiness into the world and he'll do anything to preserve that. That includes pounding you into a milky red paste that can be bottled or jarred and smothered over his stack of victory pancakes.
6. The Chatty Kathy
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Every girl enjoys talking, but she takes it to the level of a methadone addict. She constantly has to jump into every conversation, whether it's directed at her or not. She always has to say what's on her mind, whether you asked to know it or not. She even tries to wedge her way into the private naughty conversations you're having with the girl whom you eventually hope to take home. She came to this bar to do two things: drink and talk...and the bar just cut her off.
5. The B**ch on the Rocks
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Some women, however, are harder to have a conversation with than Amelia Earhart and this ice queen can turn your larynx into a block of ice. She there to look out for her friend at any cost necessary and God help the man who tries to get in her way. Every member of the opposite sex is her enemy and she's an estrogen mini-gun just waiting for a Y chromosome to wander into her sights.
4. Uber-Ugly Betty
Every girl friend strives to go out with a friend who is on a much lower rung than her on the beauty department in the hopes of scoring the attractive eye of a male, simply by comparison. Unfortunately, when she actually gets a guy on her fishing hook, she feels so bad for the friend that not even a 200 amp welding torch can separate them from her, unless you have a very desperate friend and an aquarium load of tequila.
3. Mr. Handsome (and Then Some)
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If you've ever had a self-conscious thought about the way you look, this guy can bring it out of you and post it in skywriting for everyone in the world to see. He's got more flawless features than a brand new Aston Martin DB9 and can turn the head of every lady in the bar. He won't just steal the woman of your affection from you. He'll hoist her on his shoulders, carry her out of the bar, throw her in the back of his truck, and then go back into the bar for seconds. If pretty women were calories, he would be John Goodman.
2. The Mother
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Just about every levelheaded woman is close to their mother, but some are literally still welded on to them and do everything with them so much so that she'll have you check for an umbilical cord. This not only makes it harder for you to offer your wanton advances, but hard not to turn those same advances towards her mother just in case you've stepped into some kind of super rare, mother-daughter three-way vortex. Steven Hawking says they exist, but I've never seen one.
1. Brandi Honeybuns (a.k.a. Undercover Officer Lindsey)
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The night is done and you're alone, but still long for the affection that men have sought for centuries. So you bite the bullet and pony up the dough for some paid company, only she turns out to be a member of the second oldest profession: law enforcement, the vice squad to be exact. Now instead of snuggling up to a warm shapely body in the cold of the night, you're hoping your cellmate is too tired from his time in the exercise yard to even consider crawling into the top bunk with you.