The Top 10 Biggest Cockblockers in Life
You're at the bar, just enjoying an Ol' Fashioned the way your bartender knows you like it, when a tall fleshy column of pure beauty wanders into your view. You muster up the nerve to introduce yourself and let her know that you'd like to get to know her better when one of the following obstacles also wanders into your now-glowing red iris view.
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By Danny Gallagher
10. The Dance Machine
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The late great Bill Hicks said, "Real men don't dance. They smoke, swear, and curse." You can tell that's true because when men are forced to dance, they are usually accompanying it with one of the other three. She's the member of the group who took her friends to the bar to do one thing and one thing only, and it's the one thing that make men less attractive to women the more successful they are at it. Well, that and being able to eat a corn dog in one bite without gagging.
9. The Eyebrow Archer
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Think you're clever, funny, or generally affable? She doesn't, and no amount of words can express her disdain for your attempts to prove otherwise. She can shoot down every joke, compliment, and sincere observation with an arch of her John Belushi-like eyebrow. She can turn you into a self-aware, blubbering, quivering mess right before your beloved's eyes and she doesn't even have to open her mouth. She'll make a man very happy one day -- and by happy, I mean constantly and clinically depressed.
8. The Dearly Dumped
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Usually vulnerable women who hang out in bars can make your night heaven, but when they are shackled to the heart of your beloved and are producing enough tears to fill a keg twice over, they can make your night hell. They've just been dumped by some bigger heartless jerk than you and could only draw more attention away from you if they were on fire, an option you considered until you realized every bar has an indoor smoking ban.
7. Big, Big, BIG Brother
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It's often said that if you want to get through a girl's heart, then you have to go through her family. In this case, you'll literally have to get through her family's heart if you want to even get close to her (usually, your average variety garden tool works just fine). He's known her since she was running around in diapers and flinging her momma's food all over the dining room walls and, to him, she's still that sweet, innocent little thing that brought nothing but joy and peace and happiness into the world and he'll do anything to preserve that. That includes pounding you into a milky red paste that can be bottled or jarred and smothered over his stack of victory pancakes.
6. The Chatty Kathy
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Every girl enjoys talking, but she takes it to the level of a methadone addict. She constantly has to jump into every conversation, whether it's directed at her or not. She always has to say what's on her mind, whether you asked to know it or not. She even tries to wedge her way into the private naughty conversations you're having with the girl whom you eventually hope to take home. She came to this bar to do two things: drink and talk...and the bar just cut her off.