Earlier last week, Disney acquired LucasFilms
and, by extension, Star Wars for a little over four BILLION dollars. To put that into terms Star Wars fans will grasp, that's more than the combined worth of the entire Trade Federation.
Naturally, as with anything involving Star Wars news, there was a strong reaction. Curiously, many felt that the acquisition somehow cheapened the franchise. It seems people either didn't realize or forgot that it was Disney's acquisition of Marvel years ago that led to the amazing Avengers film franchise and connected films.
Regardless, with all the outrage, we've decided to put all the arguments to rest by having a best of five showdown between Star Wars characters and characters from Disney and the various franchises it's absorbed over the last few decades.
Mickey Mouse vs. Luke Skywalker
Let's get right down to each of the company's respective icons. With Disney you have Mickey Mouse, who has the distinction of being the very first major cartoon star with an entire empire built on his ears. Luke is the central protagonist and focus of the original Star Wars trilogy. He's the boy who becomes a man during the course of the original trilogy, discovering late in life that he's inherited a power that most thought was gone from a galaxy ruled by evil; an evil that he first flirts with then ultimately destroys.
Mickey, on the other hand, met Minnie. That's about it as far as his character arc goes.
What it comes down to isn't power, but how they wield it. Luke ultimately embraces his destiny and learns to harness the Force rather than let it bring him to the dark side like it did his father. We know that Mickey at least has the ability to harness magic, but as we learned in "Fantasia," he cannot handle wielding such power.
WINNER: LUKE SKYWALKER.
Han Solo vs. Donald Duck
Han Solo epitomizes the anti-hero, or at least what the mainstream has come to think one is. At his core, though, he's a softie who rescues strays (Chewbacca) and falls for girls he rescues (Leia). He's a little rough around the edges, but he's really not as hard as he puts on. Donald Duck, on the other hand, has a killer rage that burns all around him. He unleashes it in piercing quacks and violent outbursts. Plus, he helped beat the Nazis during World War II.
WINNER: DONALD DUCK
Bobba Fett vs. Iron Man
On one side, you have one of the deadliest bounty hunters in the galaxy and a character who became iconic and badass even though he was barely in the original trilogy. On the other, you have Tony Stark, aka Iron Man, who has two films under his belt and a third coming out shortly.
In terms of technology, they're an even match. Iron Man has the sleeker look, owing to constant maintenance and bottomless resources. Fett's armor is worn and weary from a hard life spent drifting throughout the cosmos. The less flashy attire does not betray a lack of discipline, but rather reveals a toughness and desperation that he would need to win.
WINNER: BOBBA FETT.
Gizmoduck vs. C3PO
The showdown of the anxiety-ridden robotic secondary characters! Okay, so that may not fit too well on a poster. Really there isn't any competition here. It may not even seem fair to match the two of these up, but I wanted to give Gizmoduck some love, since he never got his due or his own animated series despite the hundreds of letters I wrote to Disney as a child. Okay, so I still write those letters. What of it?
Chewbacca vs. Sweetums
So it all comes down to this: furball versus furball. From what we can gather from Sweetums' appearance alongside humans in the various Muppet movies and television shows, he would have a distinct size and strength advantage. He's also got those gnarly fangs. Chewbacca, despite a more limited vocabulary, is much smarter and craftier. He has enough to make a fight of it, but in pure hand to hand combat, I don't think he'd be able to overcome his much larger monster opponent.
So there you have it, folks: Disney wins by a score of 3-2, which means they get the Star Wars franchise. Considering what they've done with other franchises in recent years – namely the Muppets and the Avengers – I don't think we should see that as a defeat for either side.
Bring on Episode VII.
Catch the fastest five minutes in tech, gaming, and comics on this week's edition of All Access Weekly next Thursday at 12/11c only on Spike.
Source: Disney/Lucasfilm Ltd/Steve Granitz/Albert L. Ortega/Terry O'Neill/Matthew Simmons/Getty Images