The Top 10 Ways to Deal with the NFL Lockout

March 8, 2011
Losing a loved one is something that takes years to overcome. Losing a season of fantasy football, however, is an unimaginable tragedy that will haunt America for eternity. Luckily, we’ve found 10 ways to help dull the pain.

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10. Pretend that spending time with your Family is Emotionally Satisfying

Obviously this is a last resort type of scenario, but it’s worth a try. All the married guys I know claim that sitting on a park bench and watching your eldest son eat sand for three hours is a lot of fun. Plus, you get the added bonus of wondering what your life would have been like if you didn’t marry the first girl who let you have sex with her. Quite frankly, that sounds like a lovely little Sunday.

9. Create an Obscure Fantasy League

Bowling, curling, renaissance fair jousting, it doesn’t matter. I participated in a fantasy draft for the popular ABC train wreck “Bachelor Pad” and won $62 for coming in second place. I was a botched rose ceremony away from some serious coin.

8. Get Game Film from the 1982 NFL season and watch it Every Sunday

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Odds are you probably don’t remember who won the Super Bowl in 1982, let alone who came out on top in Week 4 divisional play. So, why not just recreate the season and pretend like all the games are live? You can create a fantasy football league and even gamble on games with your not-so-intelligent friends.

7. Try Talking to a Woman

People who don’t spend all weekend (alone) at sports bars huddled over a lap top claim it’s even more fun than it looks. Obviously checking tight end statistics is better than sex, but why not explore the unknown?

6. Write Sad Poems about how the NFL Lockout Makes you Feel

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Excessive alcoholism is a lot more expensive than overdramatic blogging. Assuming you can find things that rhyme with “you’ve stolen my joy,” it might even be the start of a promising new career. I’m pretty sure it’s how Oscar Wilde got his foot in the door.

5. Live in Denial

Canadians still pretend that the 2005 NHL lockout didn’t happen, and they’re some of the happiest, most pleasant people on the planet. It’s impossible to find a frowny face on the mean, and relatively disease-free, streets of Vancouver. Despite never winning a Stanley Cup, they refer to the Canucks as a “storied franchise” with a “winning tradition.” Denial is a glorious thing!”

4. Send Threatening Letters to Your Favorite NFL Players

Fan interaction is an important part of any league. Let the players know that just because they’re no longer on television doesn’t mean you’ve stopped watching them. This will also guarantee you an autographed restraining order that should go up in value once the NFL starts up again.

3. Create a Rival Football League

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CBS and FOX are going to have hours of programming to fill every Sunday. It’s not totally unrealistic to think that they could plug that hole with homemade movies of you and your friends playing flag football in the backyard. It will be like that time NBC started showing the XFL, only with slightly more credibility and better production value.

2. Time Travel

There will probably be football in 2012. Chances are you’re not going to miss much if you step in the DeLorean and skip the next 16 months. Just throw on a seatbelt, come up with a few “damn it! I thought this was going to be the Cubs’ year” excuses for when you arrive in 2012 and get ready for some football!

1. Try the Family Thing Again

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As unbearable as it sounds, maybe giving up on spending time with your children after 20 minutes is a bad idea.