Source: Paramount Pictures/Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer
GI Joe: Retaliation opens this weekend, which naturally got us to thinking about the toys of our youth. Because really, when it comes down to it, that's what GI Joe was all about. We mean that literally, since the only reason the cartoon existed was to sell the toys.
As much as we still love those toys, though, we can't help but notice that many of them would be pretty disastrous if they were applied to real-life. Let's take a look at some of the more ridiculous GI Joe toys that wouldn't quite work in a combat scenario.
THE MINI TANK ARMADILLO
: It's a tank!
: The open-air seating. Great if you're driving a convertible through the San Fernando Valley, not so much if you're in a fierce tank-fight somewhere in Central Asia.
THE COBRA BUZZ BOAR
: The saw blade made the vehicle look very intimidating.
: The saw blade was also its means of propulsion, with that it would dig into the ground and move you forward. I guess it might be useful if you want to drive a circle around your enemy so that he falls through the hole you created. Unfortunately, we're pretty sure that would only work in cartoon physics. It should also be noted that the Buzz Boar doesn't look like a great time for the pilot. Seriously, even in the artist's rendering he looks really, really uncomfortable.
SGT. SLAUGHTER AND THE TRIPLE T (TAG TEAM TERMINATOR)
: This set came with a tank that fired missiles and a WWF pro wrestler who used to yell all the time.
: Again with the open-air seating. If you roll this thing into a firefight, you're at the very least going to get hit with shrapnel. It's okay, I guess, if you're just looking to make an impression. Imagine arriving to work on this bad boy. You wouldn't get any lip from anyone.
: He looks super cool and controls alligators, which are one of the deadliest and most feared animals in the world.
: What is this, Life of Pi? You can't make friends with deadly predators! No alligator is going to submit to your will just because you out-wrestled him. Alligators do not have knuckles, let alone give respect knuckles.
COBRA POGO BALLISTIC BATTLE BALL
: It had a cool design; sort of a mix between a Dalek and the Quintessons from "Transformers."
: It was basically a little tube that bounced around on a giant pogo stick. Why on Earth would anyone ever use this as a form of transportation? "Hey, you know how you can get from Point A to Point B comfortably in a car? Well, what if we were to tell you that you could awkwardly and uncomfortably pop up and down inside of a metal contraption instead and have it take at least twice as much time?" SOLD!
WILLIAM "THE REFRIGERATOR" PERRY
: You got this action figure for free if you mailed in five "Fridge tickets," which could be found on the boxes of certain figures or vehicles. Just pay the $1 shipping and handling fee and you're ready to have The Fridge do the Super Bowl Shuffle on those Cobra goons!
: The Fridge was basically just a big fat guy that would bowl through an offensive line by sheer force of will and mass. That's not exactly a good idea against guys carrying long-distance laser rifles, even if everybody's aim is awful. Also, his weapon was a chain with a football at the end of it, which is effective if your only goal is to annoy your enemy and get him to say "dude, what the Hell? NOT COOL."
: Skidmark was packaged with the Desert Fox vehicle, and was one of the few GI Joe characters that actually looked combat ready.
: His nickname was Skidmark. Imagine going into battle and needing assurance that your pilot is the right man for the job, and your superior says "don't worry, we'll have Skidmark over there get on it." It wouldn't exactly fill you with confidence, would it?
Got any other favorites or least favorites? Let us know in the comments!