Deadliest Warrior: Medieval Rioters vs. Jail Gang

August 30, 2010

Just an idea I had for fun, cause what else does a guy have to do to get rid of his insomnia? This is more about the weapons than the matchup itself. In fact, I doubt we'll ever see these two warriors anytime soon. However, they have weapons that are uncommon for warriors but common for commonfolk. In fact, this probably shouldn't be under the deadliest warrior section, but now that I have your attention...

Rioters are often seen carrying weapons only meant to cause mayhem, wreak havoc, and bring about destruction. This is why their weapon choices are so interesting.

Jail gangs are good matches for these guys because even though they are post-gunpowder, they use ingenuity to construct lethal weapons for taking out a guard, or maybe just self defence.

The first weapon we see brought to the game is by the medieval protesters. The club. A simple, crude weapon that can be simply picked off the ground and used as a bludgeon.

Let's face it, medieval times sucked. Even more so if you were the majority of the poor. Many peasants didn't have homes. In fact, the term, "make the bed" came from medieval times, when people used to sleep in the forest on a self-made bed of leaves. Because insects would crawl in every now and then, they would have to literally make themselves a new bed every day. The threat the peasants faced was more serious than a few bugs, though. They would have to use the crudest weapon in human history to defend against wolves or stray rabid pets. The fashioned weapon was also used to inflict blunt force trauma during times of war.

In jail, other inmates can get pretty rough. And with no guards on duty a lot of the time, you find yourself face to face with a bunch of tough past murderers. You need to fashion a weapon for yourself but your fists just won't cut it. What you need is a fist extentsion, something to make your blows more powerful. Enter the knuckleduster.

These simple brass knuckles can be made out of simple prison materials, like this one found in a German prison. Thanks to the large amount of time you can spend in prison sitting around not doing much, you have plenty of time to fashion yourself some basic means of defence. Of course weapons aren't allowed. But you can discreetly make some of these non brass knuckles, and perhaps save yourself someday.

The next weapon in the rioter's arsenal is a deadly weapon in the hands of commonfolk, but we don't se it all that much in warfare. Introducing the scythe.

Normally used to cut weeds, this sickle can be used as a deadly weapon by protesters to cleave heads instead. Just as the Japanese devil carries the kanabo, the Western devil carries the scythe. If a sickle wielded by an anthromorphism of Death doesn't scare you, who knows what will.

Prisoners, as I have mentioned before, have plenty of time on their hands. This lets them make things, specifically shivs. A shiv is an improvised knife. Many blades have been made modern blacksmith style, with people serving time melting down styrofoam cups and shaping it into a sharp object. Sometimes, they'd pull a Viet Cong and smear their poisonous feces over it. They can also do something more simple, like take a peice of glass and use some string as a handle to make a handy instant knife. My personal favourite, however, it this one.

Disguised as a cross, the wood conceals a long blade which will have enemies soon praying to you. Many shivs are not only prison ones, but knives made in the wild as well. A stick can be whittled down until it has a point, like Vlad's large sharpened branch. Why, just yesterday I made myself a shiv. It doesn't take too long, and is good defence against my hundred enemies. Just kidding. I only have ninety-three enemies.

Moving onward we see a devious farming tool again being put to malicious use. The pitchfork's long handle and pointy prongs made it the weapon on choice back in the day, as some people were too poor to afford swords. However, back when it was invented in the middle ages, the prongs were made of wood, not metal as we see today.

Typically and stereotypically used by angry mobs, pitchforks gave you a nice bit of range with a guarantee of damage as well. Used for pitching hay, this weapon can be used modern day to inflict devastaing injuries. Perhaps even more controlled is the garden fork, a variation of a pitchfork used for scraping out stones and weeds. The shorter handle allows for more power from the strike.

Once you're in the slammer, you have hours on end to daydream about anything. Even weaponry. And a flagellation weapon that was confiscated from a German prison showed just how brutal certain prisoners could be with their weapons. Behold, the whip.

Cruel and unforgiving, a bit like prison life itself, this whip was made out of a simple plank of wood, a length of what appears to be a shoelace, and razor blades to make the slashed delivered with this more painful and give the weapon some weight.

Finally, incendiaries. Yes, early rioters had some form of burning things, or the oft-depicted fire that tags along with violent protests wouldn't exist. To burn buildings to the ground, they would carry a burning torch.

A simply made light source, or destruction source, can come about with a tool like this. Rags soaked in flammable material were wrapped around pieces of wood, perhaps, and they are quite dangerous.

When it came to weaponry, it should be known that prisoners knew their history. They made blowguns, crossbows, even some guns. Anything that a metal detector might not find out about generally fit the bill. However, in a flash, these melted down weapons of destruction could scar a person for life. These were...candy bars.


Plain and simple, nothing to it. Twix, Hersheys, any hot melted chocolates could be thrown quickly at a person's face and give them high temperature burns. Chocolate and caramel were especially favoured ingredients in a bite sized candy, as they hardened very quickly and would latch on to a person's face like a parasite. Primitive, but sinister and well thought out.

Well, that's all for now. In the meantime do whatever it is you kids like doing so much.