The Top 10 Ways to Make the WNBA Slightly Less Terrible
The WNBA has everything! Endless amounts of lay-ups, questionably androgynous athletes, and a much better television deal than the NHL. Quite frankly, the only things it lacks are fan support and femininity. But no need to fear - we’ve come up with a few ways to make the league even more appealing and slightly less “likely to be bankrupt by 2010.”
10. Attractive player quotas – Not that Eastern European she-beasts wearing high tops don’t attract tons of male viewers, but why not make it mandatory for every team to have at least three cute players? They don’t even have to be starters. Just some eye candy on the bench so when fathers take their daughters to games they’ll be able to answer “no” when asked “Daddy, if I want to play professional basketball will I have to become substantially uglier?”
9. Encourage full contact defense - Roller derbies are getting pretty popular again, so why not jump on that train? Watching burly “women” beat the Adam’s apple off each other seems to be a crowd pleaser, and as an added bonus, the increased foul shots will lead to higher scoring. Talk about a win-win!
8. Replace the female players with more athletic, male ones - This seems like a no-brainer, but might be a tad controversial.
7. Somehow incorporate vampires - Outside of getting Taylor Swift to suit up for Phoenix Mercury, this is the best way to attract teenage girls. Plus, the league could create some sort of cross-promotion with those god-awful movies that Us Weekly is always talking about. “If any one of the Seattle Storm players starts bleeding from the neck, everyone in section H wins free passes to the new Twilight movie premiere.”
6. Fun half-time games - These could include fan favorites like “Guess who’s post-op,” “begging for endorsement deals” or a comical slam dunk contest.
5. Celebrity fan indoctrination - Enough of the bleachers filled with female car mechanics and hiking boot enthusiasts. Look what Jack Nicholson has done for the Lakers, how much Ashley Judd helped Kentucky basketball, and everything Gene Simmons did for Diet Dr. Pepper. The WNBA needs to recruit celebrities to show up at games in order to make the millions of people who mindlessly worship them start mindlessly worshipping the San Antonio Silver Stars. Come on people, this is Cult-Building 101. Maybe even let Lindsay Lohan do a little blow off the scorer's table to avoid the typical WNBA third quarter nap?
4. Free booze at games - Notice how late night fast food you wouldn’t touch with a ten-foot pole while sober tastes amazing after a night of non-stop drinking? Same basic principal, only with a little less mayonnaise.
3. Host WNBA games directly before their NBA counterparts - Sort of like an opening act at a rock concert. Nobody would actually pay to see some garage band from Iowa at the Staples Center, but let them warm up the crowd for Kings of Leon and people might show up early to avoid traffic. It's kind of like getting really boring bubble gum with your pack of kick-ass baseball cards - even though it's stale and none of your friends enjoy it, it's free and
2. Make baskets count for 2.5 points - In most other jobs women earn 25 percent less than men for doing the same work. But this way, female basketball players can receive 25 percent more points for the same lay-ups as their male competitors. Talk about girl power!
1. Recruit Tiger Woods' Estranged Wife to Suit Up - Not only could she help cover the aforementioned "attractive girl quota," but her debut game would be the single greatest publicity stunt since Jim Rome leaked internet rumors that he was an extra in a circus-themed midget pornography that may or may not have starred Gary Bettman as "Jerky the Clown." Whatever Elin Nordegren does next is going to be massive news, so imagine how beneficial it would be if she announced that she is leaving her husband and the harem behind to pursue a career in the WNBA. We're talking three (maybe even four!) unpaid bloggers at that press conference. Besides, Nordegren said she wants to be left alone and get far away from all the media attention, and there's no better place to be completely ignored by television cameras than the WNBA.
There’s obviously many more ideas that could help improve the league, so feel free to submit them and help save women’s basketball! Every fan makes a difference. (Literally, every person that comes to a game actually constitutes a percentage of the crowd)
Source: Jim Watson/AFP/Getty Images