The Top 10 Ways to Dump Your Girlfriend Before the Holidays

December 11, 2009

The holidays are a tricky time if you’re in a casual relationship. Suddenly you’re being pressured into a relationship that has become way too serious and filled with holiday plans at your girlfriend’s parents place. Plus your lady friend will expect to be showered in expensive gifts that prove your undying love for her. If all this is too much, you feel stifled, or you just don’t want to spend your life savings -- then it’s time to get out.

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10. Fake Your Own Death


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If you can’t handle confrontation or you think you girlfriend would literally end your life if you broke up with her, then you only have one option -- fake your own death. This is a drastic move that entails a lot of planning and personal sacrifice. But it's totally worth it.

First, you’ll have to execute your own “death” in a believable manner that would fool even seasoned detectives. A faked suicide is a good option. All you need to do is write a note and say you’re going to jump off a bridge or into some body of water where it’d be difficult to locate a body. If you’re scared of heights or feeling very vindictive, you could even frame you girlfriend for your murder. This can be tricky but highly fulfilling. A low budget, less risky option is to have a friend tell her you died.

Once you’ve faked your own death, you will have to sever all ties with family and friends. You will need to relocate and assume a new identity. Think of it as going into the Witness Protection Program. No doubt it will be exciting, for a while. But soon enough you’ll start to miss your friends and family (and maybe even her). You’ll spend the rest of your life wishing some good-for-nothing woman didn’t ruin your life and that your time on earth might have been better if you married her. 

9. Give Up on Personal Hygiene


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Most girls are strict about personal hygiene, so just give up on it altogether. Stop showering, shaving, doing laundry, wearing deodorant, throwing out your trash, and caring about your general cleanliness. At first she may be turned on by your extra manly stench. Take advantage of this time, because soon you know it’s all going to be over. Next she’ll try and stage an intervention. She will do everything in her power to “change you,” offering to clean your place, have shower sex, or do your laundry. You must stay strong and resist temptation. Remember the goal at hand. You are a human stink bomb and your mission is to detonate your relationship.

8. Say You’re Gay


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The easiest way to end your relationship without hurting her feelings is to come out of the closet, so to speak. Saying you’re gay is the least offensive way to end a relationship. Well, to her, at least. Be sure to plan ahead and plant some seeds that you’re batting for the other team. For instance, buy the new Adam Lambert CD, suggest going on a date to a musical, wear tight clothes, or any other cliché you can think of. Also make excuses why you can’t hang out, like "Sorry honey, I have my fake tanning appointment."

When it comes time to make the big announcement, be confident, bold, and proud. She may be shocked at first, but it won’t last long.  Your girlfriend won’t feel rejected, because you’re not just rejecting her, you’re rejecting her entire sex. Instead of break-up tears, your now ex will embrace you and rant about how proud she is you’ve come to terms with your sexuality and what a brave man you are, blah, blah, blah. While she’s holding you, pretend to listen as you dream about all that new poontang you can chase at a bar your ex never visits.

7. Utilize Facebook


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Facebook is a great tool to end a relationship because in today’s world of social networking, nothing is private. Use this to your advantage. Purposely post things you know will make your GF mad. Whenever you go out with the boys make sure you take a photograph with every hot girl you see. Not only is this a great way to meet girls, it’s also a great way to get rid of that excess baggage in your life -- your girlfriend.

The next step is to only befriend and message hot girls. If you need to Facebook your male buddy, do it through private message. You need to make it look like you are paying mad attention to all the ladies in the world, except your own. You GF might accuse you of cheating, but you aren’t because it’s the Internet. Your goal is to post things that will make her boil with jealousy, leaving her with little choice but to end the relationship. Thank you, Facebook!

6. Refuse to Meet Her Family


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One of the real reasons you want to get rid of your GF is you don’t want to deal with all the awkward family drama involved with the holidays. After all, it’s tough enough dealing with your own family, let alone someone else's. Be upfront about it and tell your woman it’s a big fat “NO” to meeting her folks. Also tell her that meeting your family is out of the question. She’ll no doubt take this personally and rightly so. By refusing to meet her family you are telling her that you don't see a future in the relationship. She will want to have “the talk” and this is when you end it.

5. The Cell Phone Ruse


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If your GF is like most girls, then she probably snoops around your personal stuff. This means she regularly checks your cell phone. Knowledge is power, so use it. Take a page out of Tiger Woods’ book and create a phonebook contact entry in your cell phone named “Mistress.” Now whether you have a woman on the side is not the point. The entry will rouse her suspicions, make her mad as hell, and provide you with an easy way out.

If she confronts you about it, casually act dumb and say one of your friends must have put it in your phone as a practical joke. Then do an old argument switch-a-roo and ask her why she was invading your privacy. Tell her trust is the most important aspect of a relationship and that if she can’t trust you then there’s no hope for the relationship and it’s OVER. Then exit before the tears begin.

4. The Not-So-Subtle Hint


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Use the impending holiday season to signal some not-so-subtle hints that you guys are headed to Splitsville. One idea is to carry around mistletoe where ever you go, just in case you run into a hot chick. By all means try it out if it happens, but the fact that you’re carrying it is likely enough to drive your woman crazy. If that doesn’t work, try making out with your mall Santa Claus. This might leave you with a black eye, but it will send a clear signal to your lady friend that you’re not interested in her.

Another holiday-inspired idea is the early Christmas present. Throw subtlety out the door and give her a mix tape of breakup songs. That’s right, load that CD with songs such as: Michael Bolton’s "I Said I Loved You , But I Lied,” Air Supply’s "All Out Of Love,” Righteous Brothers’ “You’ve Lost that Loving Feeling,” No Doubt’s “Ex-Girlfriend,” or Roy Orbison’s “It’s Over.” If that fails, just give her a bunch of dead flowers. That always works.

3. Cheat


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One of the easiest ways to get rid of your girlfriend is to cheat on her…with her best friend. This is inherently evil, but it’s also quite brilliant. First off if you’re like most guys you’ve either had your eye on your GF’s bestie or you can’t stand her. Either way it will be fun. Even if you don’t succeed in bedding your GF’s best friend, just trying is bound to end your relationship. In fact, it’s better if she rejects you. That way you don’t have to do the deed and you know for sure she’ll rat you out to your GF.

2. Ignore Her


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The simplest way to deal with a problem is to ignore it. If you ignore it long enough, it will go away. This thinking can be applied to your relationship. Simply act like you don’t have one. Ignore the GF and she’ll magically disappear. To do this you need to drop off the face of the planet. Whatever you do, don’t answer or return her telephone calls, reply to her emails, or answer your door if she comes a-knocking. Soon enough she’ll get the hint, because let’s face it, she won’t have much choice. It might not be the classiest way to dump someone, but it’s absolutely effective. Now repeat after me: if you ignore her she will go away.

1. Be Honest


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This holiday season, throw politeness out the door and speak your mind. If the relationship is on the fritz, then there is no need to keep up the charade. I say to hell with it. If she asks you, “Do I look fat in this?” speak your mind. If she looks like an elephant stuffed into a pair of jeans, tell her so. If she asks you, “What are you thinking?” and you’re thinking dark, violent thoughts that involve her -- then shout them out loud!  If she asks you, “What’s the problem?” -- tell her that she is. If, after all your honesty, she still sticks around and appreciates the real you then she might be a keeper. If not, then you have your ticket to Singletown -- Population: Not Her.

If by some strange act of God you wish to act like a gentleman and break up with her in a calm, considerate manner then sit her down and explain your reasons for ending the relationship. Be truthful, open up your heart, show compassion, and let her down softly. After all, honesty is the best policy.

Have a happy, single holiday!