The Eight Cute and Cuddly Video Games That are Utterly Sociopathic
Video games are brilliant inventions, when you stop to think about it. They let us create virtual worlds with their own rules, where we can run around with impunity and do miraculous, impossible things. Or really sadistic and cruel things. Here are eight allegedly adorable games that would reduce Kratos to tears.
By Dan Seitz
8. The LEGO Games Exist Solely for Nerd Revenge
It never fails with a beloved film franchise: there's a character, sometimes an entire race, that everyone hates. The first thing most Star Wars fans did after booting up Star Wars: Battlefront was figure out which missions let you shoot Gungans and Ewoks, and promptly went to town.
The designers of the LEGO games, such as LEGO Star Wars, LEGO Indiana Jones, and most likely LEGO THX-1138 and LEGO Howard the Duck, understand this better than most. Which is why you can find and destroy, say, Jar-Jar Binks, shattering him into his constituent tiny pieces, as many times as you want.
7. Link Gets Cheered On for Animal Cruelty in Link's Awakening
It's been a long-standing joke in the Zelda games that you can't kill the chickens, no matter how much you slash them. Keep it up long enough, and they'll kill you. Which if you've ever been around chickens is actually a fairly accurate depiction of them.
Except in Link's Awakening, a game we mentioned previously as having an acid-trip of a dungeon, Link finally gets some revenge for all the times those chickens have killed him, either with "magic powder" or by lighting them on fire. Yes, not only can Link slow-roast those damn chickens, he can even get the girl in the story to cheer him on while he's doing it.
6. Oddworld Lets You Have Fun With Mudokons
Source: Oddworld Inhabitants
Every '80s kid has, at least for ten minutes, played Lemmings. But they're no fun to kill, because they're mindless. But a bunch of enslaved, displaced creatures who slap themselves to death every time something goes wrong? Now we're talking!
The Oddworld games have you rescuing the Mudokons, a race of doormats who apparently can be made to do pretty much anything you want and that you have to save. Also, when they do something wrong, they start slapping themselves in the face until they die.
Needless to say, it's pretty easy to get them to do something wrong, whether it's walk into an electric gate, squished by a falling weight, or just lining up a bunch of them and provoking them into hitting each other.
Oh, did we mention that there are blind Mudokons, who will go in whatever direction you tell them to and just keep walking no matter what? Either the designers were gentle, naive souls, or they're all serial killers.
5. Rayman Just Kicks the Crap Out of Whatever's In His Way
Source: Ubisoft Montpellier
Most games, to discourage players from, say, kicking the ever-loving crap out of everything indiscriminately, punish you for beating on the innocent.
Not Rayman. Because a character who is basically hands and feet without limbs just isn't nightmarish enough by the standards of the French, anything that's in the games, you can beat on. What's most terrifying are the rats, actually.
Not because rats are inherently disgusting little disease vectors, but because in the Rayman universe they are, apparently, inherently disgusting little disease vectors that are really, really into S&M. They actually say things like "Don't hold back" and "ooh harder!"
Did you know that it's impossible to actually scrub your brain? Or precisely erase information from it? No matter how much cheap booze you drink?