50 Ways to Update RoboCop for the 21st Century

March 8, 2010

The idea of a remake of the perennial '80s classic shoot 'em up "RoboCop" might sound like big screen blasphemy, but it's actually not a bad idea. So if the project gets off the ground, here are some suggestions on how to make it with a more modern feel.

Source: Orion Pictures

By Danny Gallagher

1. The hybrid model charges criminals with more economically friendly misdemeanors instead of gas-guzzling felonies.

2. He learns about his past by hacking into Wikipedia.

3. Pair him up with a precocious little blender as a wisecracking partner.

4. The deadly ED-209 is replaced with a recalled Toyota.

5. The retractable knife in his fist is replaced with a Slap Chop.

6. Detroit is overrun by an angry, fearless, and ruthless gang of former GM CEOs.

7. His prime directives now include "Serve the public trust, protect the innocent, and save up to 15 percent of more by switching to Geico."

8. He refers to his hard drive as "The Situation."

9. Helps the weary and innocent civilians of crime-ravaged Detroit by recording up to two shows at once while they watch Two and a Half Men.

10. Thanks to Wiki technology, now anyone can update his prime directives, which explains why he's required to "uphold the law and Baba-Booey! Baba Booey! Howard Stern is the king of all media!"

11. Kevin Smith starts a Twitter campaign against him after Robocop's programming labels him "too pudgy to prosecute."

12. After he wrongly arrests a law professor for a crime he didn't commit, President Barack Obama invites him to the White House for a "baby food summit."  

13. He's voiced by George Lopez.

14. Original movie title: RoboCop. New movie title: GigaCop

15. Kevin James is hired to play an overweight gas-guzzler for the inevitable spinoff, Paul Blart: RoboMallCop.

16. He has two holsters built into his legs: one contains his Beretta modified auto-9 handgun and the other contains his iPhone charger.

17. Threatens gun-toting creeps to stop in the name of the law or he'll flood their email inboxes with Classmates.com spam.

18. Al Gore keeps claiming he invented him.

19. His built-in "Genius" programming helps criminals by suggesting other felonies they might be interested in committing.

20. When ED-209 falls down the stairs, RoboCop plays him off with a video of "Keyboard Cat."

21. His heavy metal frame and steel casing makes him roughly the same weight as your average security guard.

22. He tasers an 80-year-old grandmother for jaywalking (Texas model only).

23. He can spout twice as many cop movie catchphrases thanks to his "pro" membership to IMDb.com.

24. His human digestive tract combined with a fuel-injected metabolism finally drives Dunkin Donuts out of business.

25.  Murphy's body is brought back to mechanical life with one of Dick Cheney's leftover hearts.


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26. His charging station is a re-gifted charging dock from Brookstone.

27. His more salacious flashbacks with his wife are uploaded to RedTube.com.

28. The Detroit Police Department purchases RoboCop from a Sky Mall catalogue.

29. Yes, he has a HEMI.

30. The video of ED-209 falling down the stairs achieves over a million hits on YouTube.

31. He makes Cops watchable.

32. He gets laid off because of the analog-to-digital switch.

33. Chuck Norris can still kick his metallic ass.

34. He only works in "WiFi-friendly" areas.

35. A wave of congressional cutbacks to the department's budget forces RoboCop to work nights at the local 7-11 as a "Redbox" in order to make ends meet.

36. He can only read arrested suspects their rights in 140 characters or less.

37. His sidearm is operated with a click wheel.

38. Tiger Woods is cast as the "I'd buy that for a dollar" guy.

39. He is taken off street work and reassigned to desk duty as a coffee machine.

40. Murphy spirals into a depression after realizing he is used to be a husband and a wife and goes on such a huge eating binge that he can now comfortably seat a family of four and their stuff.

41. A video of him being transported back from OCP for repairs as his power slowly turns back on appears on the Internet under the heading "Murphy After Mechanic."

42. He contracts a trojan horse after spending one night with Paris Hilton.  

43. His brief stint with the TSA is cut short when he is put on metal detector duty.

44. He is reassigned to traffic duty...as a traffic light.

45. In his heart, he secretly longs to dance.

46. His communication protocols are jammed every time American Idol asks viewers to vote for their favorite singer.

47. He reveals that he has a secret sexual orientation. He's a "Transformer."

48. RoboCop will also come in a Blu-ray format. Not the movie, the actual RoboCop.

49. He is partnered with a wisecracking Michael Winslow who literally last five seconds before RoboCop gets fed up and shoots him in the face.

50. Seven words: Pride and Prejudice and Zombies and Robocop.


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