50 Ways to Update RoboCop for the 21st Century
The idea of a remake of the perennial '80s classic shoot 'em up "RoboCop" might sound like big screen blasphemy, but it's actually not a bad idea. So if the project gets off the ground, here are some suggestions on how to make it with a more modern feel.
Source: Orion Pictures
By Danny Gallagher
1. The hybrid model charges criminals with more economically friendly misdemeanors instead of gas-guzzling felonies.
2. He learns about his past by hacking into Wikipedia.
3. Pair him up with a precocious little blender as a wisecracking partner.
4. The deadly ED-209 is replaced with a recalled Toyota.
5. The retractable knife in his fist is replaced with a Slap Chop.
6. Detroit is overrun by an angry, fearless, and ruthless gang of former GM CEOs.
7. His prime directives now include "Serve the public trust, protect the innocent, and save up to 15 percent of more by switching to Geico."
8. He refers to his hard drive as "The Situation."
9. Helps the weary and innocent civilians of crime-ravaged Detroit by recording up to two shows at once while they watch Two and a Half Men.
10. Thanks to Wiki technology, now anyone can update his prime directives, which explains why he's required to "uphold the law and Baba-Booey! Baba Booey! Howard Stern is the king of all media!"
11. Kevin Smith starts a Twitter campaign against him after Robocop's programming labels him "too pudgy to prosecute."
12. After he wrongly arrests a law professor for a crime he didn't commit, President Barack Obama invites him to the White House for a "baby food summit."
13. He's voiced by George Lopez.
14. Original movie title: RoboCop. New movie title: GigaCop
15. Kevin James is hired to play an overweight gas-guzzler for the inevitable spinoff, Paul Blart: RoboMallCop.
16. He has two holsters built into his legs: one contains his Beretta modified auto-9 handgun and the other contains his iPhone charger.
17. Threatens gun-toting creeps to stop in the name of the law or he'll flood their email inboxes with Classmates.com spam.
18. Al Gore keeps claiming he invented him.
19. His built-in "Genius" programming helps criminals by suggesting other felonies they might be interested in committing.
20. When ED-209 falls down the stairs, RoboCop plays him off with a video of "Keyboard Cat."
21. His heavy metal frame and steel casing makes him roughly the same weight as your average security guard.
22. He tasers an 80-year-old grandmother for jaywalking (Texas model only).
23. He can spout twice as many cop movie catchphrases thanks to his "pro" membership to IMDb.com.
24. His human digestive tract combined with a fuel-injected metabolism finally drives Dunkin Donuts out of business.
25. Murphy's body is brought back to mechanical life with one of Dick Cheney's leftover hearts.