The 10 Most Annoying Video Game Sidekicks

September 28, 2009

Video game sidekicks are by their very name supposed to help you complete your quest, overcome the zombie horde, or destroy the giant chicken robot that poops death bombs. Some of them not only fail miserably at this small task, they actually hinder yours. These are the sidekicks that might as well be villains.

Source: Nintendo

By Danny Gallagher

10. Todd "Maniac" Marshall from Wing Commander

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Source: Origin

Nobody likes a backseat driver, especially if the vehicle you're driving is a multi-billion dollar space fighter that can ignore the laws of space and time with the click of a button. Maniac from the Wing Commander series makes you wish your backseat came with an eject button. In between missions, he's your best friends but out on the battlefield, he's almost as big of an enemy as the people who actually trying to kill you. And if you're not careful, he can actually damage your ship if you saunter into his line of fire, making Maniac as bad of a wingman as Robert Blake.

9. Tails from Sonic the Hedgehog 2

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Source: Sega

Remember when you wanted to sneak into the R-rated horror movie with your teenage friends, but your mom made you bring your little brother along so you had to watch the G-as-in-God-awful rated movie Captain Sprinkletoes vs. the Magic Scarf of Evil? That's how it feels to have Tails "watching your back." This extremely slow freak of evolution is nowhere near as fast as Sonic and constantly lags behind if you're going too fast. That means you have to completely defeat the purpose of the game by slowing down. It's like pairing The Flash with the Comic Book Guy from The Simpsons.

8. Slippy the Toad from Starfox

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Source: Nintendo

Saving the universe from the (literal) face of evil is hard enough without having to bail out your buddies every time their sorry ass wanders into an enemy fighter's aim. Slippy from all of the Nintendo Starfox games has had more than enough missions to learn how to get himself out of trouble, yet he continually bugs you with high-pitched distress signals that make you wish you could just blast him out of the star-filled sky yourself. You would not only welcome a dishonorable discharge if you didn't have to hear his whiny voice ever again, you'd even bribe the military jury to make sure they find you guilty.

7. John Madden from the Madden Franchise

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Source: Doug Benc/Getty Images Sport/Getty Images

You'd think that having one of the most successful coaches in the history of the National Football League would help you rack up more easy wins than the Cincinnati Reds in the 1919 World Series. Unfortunately for players of the many Madden NFL games, he's about as useful as Mike Singletary if he was in a coma. The "Ask Madden" feature on his games goes out of its way to pick the worst play in any given situation. Not only that, he's even more useless if you're on defense and you don't know your tight end from a hole in the ground.

6. Daxter from Jak and Daxter

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Source: Naughty Dog

The wisecracking sidekick routine has been a staple of mainstream entertainment since movies advanced from the silent era, but this sidekick made us wish all games were accompanied only by a professional organist. This squirrel/weasel/ferret hybrid looks like the refuse of an animal test fetus experiment gone bad and sounds like the mutant offspring of Joe Pesci and Bugs Bunny (if Pesci had a uterus).

5. Skylar from Cybermorph

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Source: Atari

Technology is supposed to help mankind usher in a new era of prosperity and peace, but it somehow eventually finds a way to drive us to the brink of chaos and insanity. This electronic sidekick from the Atari Jaguar dogfighter shooter is digital acid and not the good kind. This green disembodied head of Sinead O'Conner reminds you of every mistake you make as you make them and only has one response for everyone one of them. And because the game controls are stiff and the gameplay is mind-numbingly impossible, you hear this phrase over and over and over again. The Jaguar didn't fail because it constantly broke. It failed because their owners constantly broke them.

4. The Neighbors in Zombies Ate My Neighbors

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Source: Nintendo

This top-down, third-person shooter for the SNES and Sega Genesis is actually a damn good game if it weren't for the dumbasses you're supposed to save. These people don't even try to defend themselves. They stand around in a constant state of frozen denial enjoying a nice dip in the pool or a jump on the trampoline while every conceivable monsters from toxic biological blobs to vein-sucking plant life crawls around them. And you can't move to the next world until you save these sorry excuses of human evolution. The worst of the worst is that bitch of a teacher who reminds you of your educational shortcomings while you're shooting a zombie in the face to keep them from eating her brain. Wouldn't that at least earn you a scratch-and-sniff grape sticker?

3. Doc Louis from Punch Out!

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Source: Nintendo

Athletic coaches are natural douchebags. In fact, learning how to become a raging douchebag at the Spencer Pratt School of Douchebaggery is considered a special skill on their resumes. Doc is actually the polar opposite of them. He sits in the corner and tries to comfort and help Little Mac from getting his brains pummeled out of his skull by patting him on the back and giving him advice including such ringside gems as "Dance like a fly, float like a mosquito," "Watch his left" and "Join the Nintendo Fun Club today, Mac."  Doc is about as helpful as getting smashed in the face with the brick and about as disappointing as getting a bill for the brick.

2. Otis from Dead Rising

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Source: Capcom

Nothing is more rude or annoying than getting a phone call right in the middle of something important like, say, clawing your way out of a horde of flesh-eating zombies with nothing to your name by a skateboard, a handful of CDs, and a toy sword. Otis, the voiceless janitor who never leaves the safety of the security room, calls your cell phone every other minute to tell you about some strange movement on the polar opposite side of whatever part of the mall you are at and if you ignore his call, he just keeps calling back. If you have to let him go to fend for yourself, he actually calls you back and scolds you for hanging up on him and being so rude. And that's not the worst part. Every time he calls, you get a roaming charge.

1. The Opposite Player in Battletoads

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Source: Rare, Ltd.

Battletoads is a great game, one of the top 10 greatest games on the original Nintendo system and quite possible of all time. But when it comes to "two-player," Blindfolded Pong is just barely more playable. The small screen can't contain the fury of two roided-up toads looking to kick the nearest ass, including each other. If you're playing with a "friend," your on-screen sidekick can actually punch and kick you and therefore damage you. It gets so frustrating that it can drive to do the same thing to your real life sidekick, making it the first four-dimensional game on the NES.

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