Five Ways to Save the American Auto Industry

December 5, 2008

Things are pretty rough in the Motor City these days. Once Detroit was a main center of American commerce – now, it's in ruins. Is there a way back to the top for Detroit?  Sure, but I'm not talking about iPod connectors, reinforced cupholders or 500hp – cuz you better have that stuff already or I’m out the door – I’m talking about some real innovation to save the auto industry!

By Brad Iger

The following article does not represent the opinions of Spike TV or its affiliates.


5. Flying Cars


Okay, they’ve been teasing us with this technology for how long now? Way too long! I remember watching Marty McFly cruise the Delorean down the air expressway or whatever they called the floating freeway in the distant year of 2015. So what’s the hold up? Imagine never being in gridlock again. You could soar with the birds, dodge low-flying jets, and buzz by the rooftops of apartment buildings to bother people you don’t like.

The possibilities are endless, really. Might try to avoid thinking about the carnage of a mid-air collision though. And drunk drive-flying. Anyway, this needs to happen because I’m sick of commuting at 5 mph on the freeway.

4. The Homer


Okay, so it was a critical flop at its unveiling, but the Homer has a ton of potential. First off, tail fins will always be cool. We already adopted the Mega Gulp cupholder idea, so we’re halfway there. A separate bubble dome for the kids? I mean that’s just one step beyond where we are with the Playstation-in-the-headrest option you get on most family haulers these days. And a horn that plays La Cucaracha? Do I even need to explain why that’d sell a million cars? Didn’t think so.

And with a tagline like “Powerful like a gorilla, yet soft and yielding like a Nerf ball” you’ve got the whole package right there. We live in a Blue Collar Comedy world now, ladies and gentlemen. The Homermobile speaks to this world in terms everyone can relate to.

3. The Turbo Boost Button

Not just any turbo boost button – Michael Knight’s turbo boost button. Think of this as a stop-gap measure while they get the flying cars to market. Say someone in front of you is driving 45 mph on the freeway for no apparent reason. Punch this baby and leapfrog over him! Construction blocking your route home? No problem! And you already know what this technology is capable of in a high stress car chase-type situation.

Honestly, the fact that we don’t have this tech yet is kind of mind boggling. A few rubber stamps in on the right documents and we could be launching into bliss by the holidays, by my calculations.

2. Nannies, Nannies and More Nannies!


Who doesn’t love it when an inanimate object tells you what to do? Doesn’t the idea of automated tech support make you feel warm and fuzzy inside? Nissan was into this technology decades ago in the Maxima, but they didn’t take it quite far enough.

Now it looks like they’re getting back in the game again though, this time with a gas pedal that pushes back if the car thinks you’re accelerating harder than it deems prudent. Isn’t that awesome?! I mean, normally my girlfriend would just punch me in the balls to remind me to slow down, but now my car can make my driving decisions for me! I bet this will be totally sweet when you’re trying to pass someone on a two lane highway. I’ve got my fingers crossed for “quit smoking” and “don’t pick your nose!” versions coming out next year!

1. Roof-Mounted Machine Guns

Have you seen these Blackwater retro-fitted babies?! They never get stuck in traffic. Gonna take a wild guess and say it’s because of the 50 caliber machine guns mounted on the roof. Why not port this innovation over to the consumer market? Who hasn’t wanted to vaporize the prick that just cut you off? It’s a win-win. Machine guns on cars equals less cars on the road, which in turn equals cheaper fuel and less emissions.

So what I’m basically saying is that the solution to both the energy crisis and air pollution is: machine guns. You know it’s true – I’m just typing what everyone's thinking. In fact, there’s a documentary coming out about this very subject.

In this period of flux for auto makers, it’s time to dig deep and pull out the big guns. You know, the stuff in the vaults. Hit the panic button, suits - it’s there for a reason! We need laser beams. We need jet thrusters. We need cloaking devices. Or you could just give us the Euro-spec Focus.