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The Internet National Convention

by Kevin Marshall   September 05, 2012 at 12:00AM  |  Views: 757
The Internet National Convention


The internet has done it again, and by "it" I mean "started a petition to get people to include Betty White in their plans." This time around, it's trying to get her to speak at this week's Democratic National Convention. It worked (kind of) with "Saturday Night Live," but probably won't here. Elected politicians are much less beholden to the demands of the population than entertainers.

It did get me to thinking, though, what it would be like if we had a Convention that represented us, the denizens of the Internet. The closest we came is last week when Clint Eastwood talked to an empty chair and gave us endless jokes and memes.

Otherwise, though, the conventions are an endless line of lawyers and millionaires congratulating themselves and telling us how great we are because we're Americans. It's shallow, insincere, and worst of all, BORING. So I propose that we, The Internet, have our own candidate and nominating Convention. Just imagine the greatness.

DAY 1:

Key Board Cat AAW


The convention would begin in the afternoon with a stirring rendition of the national anthem performed by Keyboard Cat. Then we would draft our national platform, which would include replacing the bald eagle with the honey badger as our national mascot, net neutrality, and a stimulus package to keep the MMO for "City of Heroes" live into 2015. The evening would be headlined with a rousing speech by the person who brought us all here: Betty White.

DAY 2:

Tron Guy AAW


The second day would open with a speech by Neil DeGrasse Tyson, who would emphasize the importance of encouraging our children to enter the fields of engineering and science in order to better understand our world and maintain our position as world leaders. He would be followed by Tron Guy, who would talk about his suit and moustache.

Throughout the evening, we would see testimonials from people holding up a piece of paper where they've scrawled their diatribes while trying their hardest to look super serious in front of their Macbook.

DAY 3:

Nic Cage Wicker AAW


In a truly life-affirming performance, satirical Japanese boy band Happa Tai will perform "Yatta."

Our first speaker of the evening will be Nic olas Cage, who will deliver an insane endorsement of our candidate without even knowing who it is. He'll be followed by the world premiere trailer for "Avengers 2." I mean, really, we could end there. But there's still someone to nominate for President.

That man? NASA Mohawk Guy. What better person to represent the Internet than a scientifically-minded geek who made it big and helped land a friggin' robot on Mars? C'mon, that's the coolest thing ever. Also, he would run not under his legal name, but as NASA Mohawk Guy.

=====

And there you have it. Is it a little broad and predictable? Admittedly, yes. But keep in mind, you're not the only person on the internet, and we need a National Convention that's going to represent us all. Sometimes that means doing things that may seem tired, make you groan, or say "God, that still? That's so six months ago." But it's better than the alternative: hologram Reagans and monotone speeches from Governors of a state you forgot even existed.

Catch the fastest five minutes in tech, gaming, and comics on this week's edition of All Access Weekly at midnight only on Spike.

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