Tiger Woods Kind of, Sort of, Almost Admits to Cheating on His Wife

December 2, 2009

After a week of speculation, internet gossip mongering (you’re welcome), and some sort of story about his wife heroically dragging him from a burning accident that Michael Bay called “unrealistic,” the most famous athlete in the world has finally made a statement about his alleged affair.

"I have let my family down and I regret those transgressions with all of my heart," Woods said on his website. "I have not been true to my values and the behavior my family deserves. I am not without faults and I am far short of perfect. I am dealing with my behavior and personal failings behind closed doors with my family. Those feelings should be shared by us alone."

This unique speech is far different from the time Kobe Bryant was saddened by the actions that hurt his family or when David Beckham regretted what his mistake had done to his loved ones.

Is there a job posting on Monster that I’m missing?

  • Wanted: Skilled script writer with moral flexibility.
  • Must be hard working, vague, understand “diminished liability” and be willing to work with midgets and small animals (just in case).
  • Connections to discounted diamond jewelers a plus.

Whoever has the “regretful action script writing” job in this town, please e-mail me. I would like to know if it is a union gig with health benefits, or strictly a freelance type deal.



(Huge fan of your work, by the way.)

Source: Ezra Shaw/Getty Images Sport/Getty Images

(pictured: Tiger Woods, Tiger Woods' daughter, Tiger Woods' wife)

(not pictured: Phil Mickelson, woman he kind of, sort, might have cheated on his wife with.)