Illegitimate Children Could Really Help American Sports

July 6, 2010

Over the weekend, Cristiano Ronaldo and his American baby mama welcomed an athletic baby boy onto United States soil. Now, if only a fruitful bartender in Pittsburgh can get Sidney Crosby to spread his seed, American sports may finally reach their potential.

Various media outlets (and Ronaldo’s Facebook page) claim that the 25-year-old soccer star fathered a child somewhere in America on Saturday afternoon. Since the kid’s mother is an American citizen and the birth took place in the United States, the boy will enjoy lifelong citizenship.

(Looks like the 2024 U.S. soccer team may have finally found a solution at starting striker.)

Ronaldo has retained sole custody of the child (who will be raised in Europe), where he will enjoy all the benefits that Portuguese nannies and sexually experimental Spanish prep school cheerleaders can offer.

But seriously, there’s got to be a decent looking bartender in Steeltown to help the American hockey team get Sidney Crosby Jr. on the 2028 roster.

Photo: Liu Jiin/AFP/Getty Images