Those of us in the gaming universe are a proud lot. We have rules, traditions, and a set of standards by which most of us abide. Similarly, we fall into certain groups (or tribes, or guilds, depending on your MMORPG of choice). Whether you joined on purpose or not, you are one of the following 10 types of gamers.
By Reverend Danger
The following article does not represent the opinions of Spike TV or its affiliates.
Shhh! Nobody must know the deep, dark secret of the closet gamer. When asked what their Xbox 360 achievement level is, you can tell they’re nervous because their eyes move up and to the right. Classic mistake. Don’t worry, closet gamer, I won’t tell.
The rarest of the types of gamer, the gamer girl was thought to be a myth until the mid-'90s when several colonies were discovered in Midwestern basements. The gamer girl is notoriously foxy, but often very difficult to detect as they disguise themselves with sexually ambiguous online handles or male avatars. They do this as a natural defense against the rabid, virginal sea of male gamers they wade through each day.
The social gamer, like the social drinker, drinks only when other people are around and gaming. However, this is usually a temporary state as the social gamer soon begins to slide down the plasticized slopes of their friends’ consoles into their own personal pit of gaming addiction. It won’t be long, social gamer, until you’re assuring everybody that you can stop whenever you want. But we all know you won’t.
Unwilling or unable to segue into the modern gaming age, the old school gamer is convinced that the halcyon days of 8-bit battle were the golden age of gaming – an epoch lost to the sand pixels of time. They troll eBay and Craigslist for bargains on Power Gloves and pong controllers. Show them a wireless controller, and watch them recoil into involuntary muscle spasms.
Gaming is a release for many people, but the destructive gamer takes it a step further than most. Then, they tie demolition charges to it, and throw it off a bridge at their enemies. Running for cover, they still peek out to watch the red mist settle that was once their ill-fated foes. Hey, at least they’re taking it out on digital people. Here’s to hoping their Xbox Live subscription never runs out spilling their carnage into meatspace.
Bargain Bin Gamer
The cheap ass gamer is somebody who wants to game, but doesn’t really care how or what they’re playing. They just wanna lay down a few clams, zone out for a few hours, and forget about their boring jobs. It’s cheaper than a strip club, right? Bargain bin gamers are typically also into sweat pants and Velcro shoes.
Guitar Hero-Only Gamer
Reviled by the majority of the serious gaming community, the Guitar Hero-only (or Rock Band) gamer enjoys riding the tsunami of popularity music simulation games have enjoyed the last few years. However, they do not like to ride any other tsunamis – just the one.
The achievement hunter takes gaming much less recreationally then, ya know, a recreational gamer. They’re here for business, and nothing else. Games are purchased and time allotted for playing them based not on reviews of perceived entertainment value. Rather, these gamers are looking for the most bang for their buck when it comes to the totally useless achievements by purchasing games with many point-heavy achievements in them.
The fanboy is “a boy who is an enthusiastic devotee (as of comics or movies).” That’s the Merriam-Webster definition, but the interesting thing is that, apparently, the first known use of the term was in 1919. Lord, they even had this hyper annoying breed of sub-human back then. That’s extra disheartening with a side of sorrow.
The hardcore gamer cannot be stopped. They’re like the Cloverfield monster of gaming. They’re almost otherworldly in their ability to sustain hyper-long endurance matches, wildly complicated plots, and crippling carpal tunnel syndrome. When they’re not gaming, they’re blogging about gaming. When they’re not doing that, they’re dreaming about games. When they’re not doing that, though, they’re usually doing either research on the next game they’re going to buy or (duh) your mom.