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What She Sings at Karaoke (And What It Means For Your Chances)

by Theta1138   July 15, 2009 at 8:40PM  |  Views: 867

You can learn a lot about what a girl’s looking for from what she sings at karaoke.  Of course, whether it’s what you’re looking for is another question entirely.

Source: Jesco Tscholitsch/Taxi/Getty Images

By Dan Seitz

1. The “I’m Looking For Sex” Song


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Some people communicate through subtlety and nuance, and some people communicate by yodeling what they want off-key into a microphone to a crowd of strangers.  If somebody gets up there to sing, say, “Work It” or “Easy Like Sunday Morning,” that’s about as blunt as you can get short of walking up to a random guy, grabbing his junk and saying “I swallow and have my own cab fare.”

Of course, never forget that there might be reasons for this.  Namely, she might be blasted out of her skull, or have a personality so frightening and stalker-prone that the only place she can pick up guys is a karaoke joint.  Respond by choosing a song that gets across that you’re looking for the same thing, but subtly.  If you actually go up to the mic and sing “F*** Her Gently”, the only one taking you home is the cab driver.

2. The “I’m Looking for Sex With Girls” Song


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Look, let’s face it, odds are pretty good your judgment is a wee bit impaired if you’re at a bar and you’re willing to sing “I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing” just to get laid.  Odds are pretty good if that girl you’re eying goes up and sings a certain type of song, she’s visiting the taco truck that night, not the hot dog stand, if you catch our drift.

What kind of song?  Well, you’ve got your obvious, like the Indigo Girls, and your really obvious, like the “I Kissed a Girl” song Katy Perry didn't sing. Probably the death knell is if she actually sings the one hit Ani DiFranco had out of the twelve thousand tracks she’s released.  Even if she doesn’t get a charge from direct current, you probably want to avoid the girl singing that anyway.

3. The “I’m Pining for Somebody In This Bar, And They Just Don’t Notice!” Song


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Every now and then, you’ll look up from your beer and realize somebody’s singing Evanescence.  Your first question is, of course, why the DJ even has that goddamn “Bring Me To Life” song on his computer when we all agreed it violated all laws of humane treatment and good taste.  The second question is why the hell anybody would sing it.

Your answer?  They really want to get into someone’s pants.  A very specific someone, a someone who is really, really not interested, and possibly gay.  And since that’s not happening, they’re going to share how they feel with the entire bar and see just how many nights they can ruin by singing crap metal or possibly dropping the Sarah McLachlan bomb on everybody.

This one begs, begs, to be followed up with some Weird Al.  You’ve got no chance, so you might as well mock her desire to ruin everyone’s night with whining.  We recommend “Spam” or “Dare To Be Stupid.”

4. The “My Relationship Just Ended, and Probably Badly” Song


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There are songs not a single human being wants to sing in public unless they just got dumped or dumped somebody.

There’s only one song the dumpees sing: “I Will Survive.”  You want to spot the woman who just got dumped so hard her teeth rattled?  She’s the one in a huge group of girls done up taking up their own table, behind the mic singing Gloria Gaynor (or the Cake cover if she’s a disenfranchised hipster) at the top of her lungs.  The one exception is if the guy dumped her over her looks, then you can probably expect “Beautiful” to be rolled out.

The girl who dumped the loser is probably also with her girlfriends, done up to go out, but she’s going to sing something more assertive by a female singer, like, say, “Bitch” or possibly a little Paramore, “That’s What You Get.”  You know, the whole “I’m-totes-strong-but-totes-vulnerable” thing.  There’s nothing people like in a pop song better than a contradiction.