Army Invents New Reason to Be Afraid

May 12, 2008




Bot Apocalypse Engineering (BAE) Systems has been contracted by the US Army to develop robotic insects to assist the army in various militaristic pursuits: surveillance, reconnaissance and espionage, amongst a slew of other Kafkaesque functions only the Army could conceive of. The Spielbergian bugs will be able to sneak into rooms, peer around corners and generally alert US soldiers to the goings on and whereabouts of bad guys by relaying messages to screens on their wrists. Inspector Gadget is going to be the new Rambo, minus the propellor-hat and child protector.

In the event that these bug-bots do what Jeff Goldblum promises in Jurrassic Park they must -- namely, "find a way" to procreate -- and humanity becomes infested by electronic vermin, I propose that we beat these bastards to the punch and contract the maker of Raid to build robotic exTerminators to take care of our future roach problem. I guess then we might have to worry about the exTerminators eventually going back in time and eliminating the people who created the first bugs, which would mean the exTerminator itself would never need to be invented, which would mean I would never be born... You could go crazy thinking about this stuff.

The skinny of it: the military is making evil robotic insects. It's only a matter of time before they make evil robotic babies that trick us into loving them. But don't love them. Don't.


Of course, now that the cat (or spider) is out of the bag, we could be looking at a whole new set of existential crises.


SCENE: Desert Warehouse

TERRORIST ONE: Look it's a Spider.

TERRORIST TWO: No, it's the US Army. We're screwed.

Terrorist One steps on spider.

TERRORIST ONE: No, it was a spider.

Terrorist Two looks at the ground. Sees another Spider.