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10. Mr. “I’m So Drunk and I Clearly Don’t Know It”
I ain’t got nothing against people who need a little buzz at the end of the day to take the edge off of their stressful life. In fact, I am in awe of people who dare to get so rip-roaringly drunk that they can’t remember basic information about their identity, their bodily functions, or whether or not they're wearing pants or underwear (in that order).
If, however, they could just do it in a confined, well-padded space that dispenses Jello shots from a pneumatic tube, the bar and the world would be a much nicer place. They are loud and obnoxious. They say stupid things and convey dumb thoughts that no one in the history of the human brain should ever utter. And they always want one more drink and God help the sorry S.O.B. who tells them they can’t have it. Of course, they are free to have all the mace that their pudgy, sweaty face can carry.
Personal Heroes: Otis the Drunk from The Andy Griffith Show, Foster Brooks, Charlie Sheen
Familiar Sayings:“I am not drunk.”“I’ll tell you when I’ve had enough.”“I can outdrink any mother in this bar, any time, any place, any...zzzzzzzzzzzz.”
9. Mr. “If My Team Ain’t Doing Well, Then The Bar Ain’t Gonna Be Doin’ Well”
Sports bars are great if you’re there to watch a team that you actually care about. But if you’re just in a regular watering hole and the game happens to be on and the few fans they have left are struggling for glory and a tolerable blood alcohol level, you’ll be praying for a league lockout by halftime.
They are shocked by every meager penalty that the refs throw their way and they celebrate even the lowliest field goal as though it put their salary in a higher tax bracket. It’s hard to understand how anyone, including the overpaid muscleheads on the field, could care that much about a game and then, you have a moment of clarity when you see the miniature forest of empty beer bottles that covers their table.
Personal Heroes: John McEnroe, Jim Rome, Spanish Soccer Announcers Who Scream “GOOOOOOAAAAALLLLL!”
Familiar Sayings:“That was so not a foul!”“You know the ref only called that because he hates our team.”“I swear by the souls of my dead relatives that I will track that umpire down and bury him in the desert. That reminds me, I need you to watch my house while I’m gone.”
8. Mr. “Let’s Do a Drink Bet on that Bet I Just Bet You On”
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Gambling is a horrid addiction. Sure it might not have a physical effect on your body that you can see like alcoholism, drug abuse, or chronic masturbation, but it’s an addiction nonetheless.
The truly afflicted make bets at work on the big weekend game. They play online poker and lose so much that they consider pawning their computer until they realize that not having one would keep them from playing it. And they make bet after bet at the bar over things that couldn’t have less of an effect on anything meaningful in this world. To him, however, a game of swizzle stick table top football can mean the difference between sending his kids to college or teaching them how to say “Do you want fries with that?” in English and Spanish.
Personal Heroes: Kenny Rogers, Maverick, Mo Greene from The Godfather (which also explains why he’s wearing the eye patch)
Familiar Sayings:“You wanna bet?”“Come on, let’s bet. I bet you will.”“Well, if you gotta break one of my arms, do the left one, will ya? I’m right-handed.”
7. Mr. “I Think I’m Bluto from Animal House”
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Nobody likes a ridiculous drunk, but if you’re going to be one, at least be original. Don’t steal someone else’s material.
Ever since Bluto became a frat house staple on college campuses across the world, it seems that every hairy, overweight white guy in a collared shirt and sweater has tried to turn him into their own personal savior of slobbery. They chug every drink they can get their hands on and try to smash the can on their head. They chant insipid drinking chants as some lightweight wannabe tries to drink himself into a coma. They probably don’t shower much, either.
Personal Heroes: John Belushi, Chris Farley
Familiar Sayings:“CHUG! CHUG! CHUG!”“Food fight!”“Man, I really should have worn underwear under this toga. I’m chafing like a son of a gun.”
6. Mr. “Bill, What Bill?”
Nobody likes a cheapskate. Whenever it comes time to divvy up the dough for the bill, they are either out the door, in the car, or in the nearest county from the door and your car.
It doesn’t matter if you're there with them to enjoy a nice meal and take home the leftovers that they didn’t pay for, even though they said they would “cover for you next time.” It’s always an excuse and it’s always just before the bartender comes by the night’s tab (e.g. “I don’t get paid until tomorrow,” “The ATM isn’t working,” “I used up all my money to pay for that liver transplant.”) And the only thing that can make the irony all the more infuriating is if they are named Bill or (if they're a member of the Palin family) Tab.
Personal Heroes: Jack Benny, Scrooge McDuck, the Banker in Every Three Stooges Movie
Familiar Sayings:“Now I know I brought my wallet...”“Oh, the bartender brought your change and...MY GOD, WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!? (zoink)”“Can you break a dollar? I should probably leave a tip for the four people who waited on us.”
5. Mr. “Every Night is ‘F*** or Fight’ Night”
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There’s nothing wrong with a fighter. It’s admirable to watch a guy stand up for something he believes in, even at the risk of his own personal safety, well-being, or ability to chew food without some kind of medical tube.
Then there is the guy who thinks it’s heroic to fight whether he’s the guy who started it or not. If you look at him the wrong way and he’s had a few, he’s ready to "settle the score" with a round of fisticuffs in a darkened alley. He’s actually quite amusing if he actually uses the phrase “fisticuffs.”
Personal Heroes: Rocky from Rocky III, Dalton from Road House, The Red Robot from Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robots
Familiar Sayings:“Oh yeah, you wanna go?”“Outside...”“Let’s do this! You and you and you and you and me!”
4. Mr. “Here’s Your Shot That I Bought for You Whether You Asked For It or Not”
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I don’t mean to belittle the small amount of generosity left in some people in this world, but there are some drinks I just don’t want to drink, either because of past experience or past experiences I don’t remember but all of my friends do.
So if you’re going to bring someone a shot of something, ask them first. Don’t just saddle up to the bar and order a round of something you like that no one else in their right mind would offer someone. That person just leaves you with something you don’t want to drink because you know it’s going to do something to you that most third-world diseases can replicate or you’re going to have to waste a perfectly good shot by pawning it off on someone else or dumping it in the plant pot, which means now you’ve making decorative shrubbery legally drunk.
Personal Heroes: Jello inventor Paul B. Wait, Jesus
Familiar Sayings:“This shot’s on me!”“Just drink it.”“Dude, how much did you drink tonight?”
3. Mrs. “There’s No Way I’m Sleeping With You, But I’ll Give You Hope for Free Drinks”
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Bars are the worst place to meet women. They go there to do one of three things: dance, talk at the speed of light with their friends, and not pay for drinks.
They don’t go there to get hit on by you. The only problem is that guys are basically big dogs that don’t learn lessons unless a swift delivery of electricity directly into the neck is involved with it. So by the time they end up buying the hot girl and all of her friends round after round, they have basically spent the cash equivalent of a year-long relationship minus the regular sex.
Personal Heroes: Lindsay Lohan, Chelsea Handler
2. Mr. “I’m So Successful that I’m Talking About It As Loudly As Possibly So Everyone in the Bar, the Block and the County Will Hear Me Talking About How Successful I Am, Did I Mention My Extremely High Level of Success?”
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Believe it or not, some people go to bars to actually engage in intelligent and thoughtful conversation. But they don’t bring a megaphone when they do it.
You can hear this guy brag about the big sale he made or the corner of the stock market he cornered, even though the entire bar could drown out the sound of the aircraft landing at the airport next door. He also stopped being amusing after the market crash, so not only is he annoying but the urge to break his head open with the Megatouch machine is enough to drive you to drink even more. Thus, the circle of life continues.
Personal Heroes: Gordon Gekko, Richie Rich
1. Mr. “One More Public Intoxication Misdemeanor and I Get a Free Pizza”
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Once again, there’s nothing wrong with having more than a few drinks or even one too many. But the phrase “one too many” actually implies that there is a line and this guy has crossed it so many times that he has season tickets for the other side.
Not only is he the most pathetic drunk you’ve ever seen, but he’s the reason the cops have a running tab with the bartender. He’s loud. He’s crude. He doesn’t care about his life or anyone else’s. Not only has he given up on life and his dreams, but he thinks he can find it at the bottom of the bottle.Personal Heroes: Jack Daniels, Jim Beam, Bud Light (not the drink, the attorney)
Familiar Sayings:“No, officer, you touch your nose.”“A little Tasering ain’t never hurt nobody.”“Say, is Reggie working the book-in desk tonight? Sonofabitch owes me $5.”