Tired of rooting for teams with well-groomed coaches who don’t know the street value of uncut Colombian cocaine? Well, this Saturday why not solve this problem by jumping on the Diego Maradona bandwagon? The Iranian government already has!
Maradona is set to lead his highly talented Argentinean squad into battle against the German side in less than 48 hours.
Many pundits – including Pele – criticized the rookie bench boss for his relative lack of sanity and refusal to “die already.” Others, however, contend that he is the most interesting man at the World Cup.
Let’s examine the evidence:
Fact: Maradona is such good friends with Fidel Castro that he tattooed the Cuban dictator’s face on his left leg.
Fact: He once appeared on Argentinean television to explain some mild complaints he had about America: "I hate everything that comes from the United States. I hate it with all my strength."
Fact: He recently ran over a cameraman and then called him an a**hole for getting in the way.
Fact: Maradona sent a high-ranking Iranian official an autographed jersey and letter of support which now hangs in the nation’s Foreign Affairs museum.
Fact: Despite being nearly 50-years-old, Maradona wears diamond earrings and rocks the same hockey hair that my brother sported during his junior prom. (God Bless Shaun Breitman’s misguided little heart and aversion to the barbershop.)
Fact: Maradona admitted that he abused cocaine during the prime of his career.
Fact: In order to curb his habit, he enrolled in a rehab program located in Cuba.
Fact: He was once hospitalized for hepatitis and alcohol abuse. After being released for the issues he returned two days later with a fresh new set of problems to treat.
Fact: Maradona owes the Italian government over 30 million Euros in back taxes. As of today, he has paid only 42,000 Euros, two luxury watches, and a set of earrings.
Fact: The personal section of Maradona’s Wikipedia page is seven paragraphs.
Fact: The personal section for Germany’s head coach says “He lives in Freiburg with his wife Daniela.”
Argentina knows that you have a choice in choosing a soccer coach with ties to Fidel Castro and a history of cocaine abuse, so they appreciate you electing to fly with the most interesting man in the World (Cup).
Stay thirsty, my friends.
Photo: Daniel Garcia/AFP/Getty Images