Source: Sean Murphy/Stone/Getty Images
10. The Cement Mixer
There’s a good reason why every bartender who ever lived knows the recipe for this foul shot of Hell. They live to see the look of horror on the patron’s face when they realize that their taste buds just got punked.
All it takes is a shot of Bailey's Irish Cream and the juice of a lime. The dope, I mean, drinker drinks the shot of cream but only holds it in their mouths so they can take a shot of the lime juice and mix it together. The concoction quickly curdles the cream, turning it into a rotten cheese taste that sticks to just about every surface of the inside of the mouth. The only way they can get rid of the taste is to burn it off, which is also something bartenders enjoy watching. Who says they just work for tips?
The Nonalcoholic Equivalent: Drinking from an actual cement mixer
Benefits of Drinking the Virgin Version: It still makes your mouth sticky but it doesn't taste like you frenched a cow udder.
9. The Bacon Rum Milkshake
Source: Brian Yarvin/FoodPix/Getty Images
Just how much do you like bacon? Are you the kind of sick twisted freak that tries to find new ways to cram this breakfast staple into every meal? Do you spend your nights dreaming about eating a big greasy plate of shredded swine flesh? Are you still reading this or did you run off to the local Wendy's for a Baconator with a side of bacon?
Here's a challenge that even you might have trouble keeping down. A restaurant in Boston came up with this bacon-and-rum-infused cocktail that makes Jamba Juice's Cheeseburger Chili Smoothie look like a healthy shot of wheat grass. It's rum and chunks of meaty bacon mixed with a heaping scoop of vanilla ice cream and garnished with (wait for it) a healthy strip of pure pork bacon. It's one milky, meaty surprise that's sure to put some hair on your chest and three of the four chambers of your heart.
The Nonalcoholic Equivalent: Pork Ice Cream
Benefits of Drinking the Virgin Version: PETA will firebomb your house one less day out of the week.
8. Placenta 400000
Not all drinks are unhealthy harbingers of heart diseases and childhood diabetes. Some are actually quite healthy, like this offering from Japan. Until you realize you are drinking roughly half a kilo of pig placenta.
Some women claim it has awesome rejuvenation powers but it's hard for scientists to determine if that's true since none of them will go within 30 feet of the stuff. It’s also used as a mixer for many alcoholic beverages, which is good because I always thought my vodka tonic could use a little more aftertaste of “afterbirth”.
The Nonalcoholic Equivalent: Your birth mother's placenta
Benefits of Drinking the Virgin Version: She'll never speak to you again and it'll help you move up the Scientology ladder faster. Also, it may or may not still technically be “virgin,” if I know your mom.
7. Baby Mice Wine
Source: John Foxx/Stockbyte/Getty Images
Remember the first time you polished off an entire bottle of tequila and learned that sometimes the worm at the bottom will speak to you and remind you not to drink and drive just before you pass out? Replace that with a dead mouse and you've got another reason to stay in therapy.
This concoction from Korea and Japan uses dead baby mice to ferment and flavor its wine that is often said to carry great health benefits for those who drink it, assuming, of course, that they don't die when they realize they are drinking dead baby mice. And notice that I said “mice,” not “mouse,” because the bottom of every bottle is littered with a litter of dead baby mice.
The Nonalcoholic Equivalent: Boxed wine
Benefits of Drinking the Virgin Version: Both probably have the allowable level of mouse parts, only you don't know it when you're chugging it.
6. Gin Greasy
Mayonnaise is probably the most controversial condiment on the planet. Either you love it or you hate it. There is no in between. So if you concoct a cocktail that uses it as the main ingredient, chances are you really love it, unless, of course, you are making it for someone you really hate.
Novelist Tom Robbins loves the stuff so much that he and his friends created a gin martini that uses mayonnaise as an ingredient, and the weirdest part is that “it was actually pretty good.” I don't have the stomach, literally and figuratively, to confirm his suspicions. Also, I'm sure that digesting gin and mayonnaise at the same time would make it hard for the ambulance to carry my weight after I'm done drinking it.
The Nonalcoholic Equivalent: Baconnaise
Benefits of Drinking the Virgin Version: There is a .00000001 percent higher chance you'll get some exercise to work if off since the lack of alcohol won't dull your motor skills.
5. The Bacontini
We've done a lot of jokes about bacon-infused drinks and cocktails because, let's face it, people love bacon. We're probably just a few months away from a Bacon-IV glucose drip. Trust me, someone is working on it.
The Bacontini, however, gets my vote for the strangest bacon and alcohol concoction because it's really taking two things that don't go together and forcing them to live in the same space like some even more drunken Odd Couple. The Double Down Saloon came up with this libation by infusing the awesome taste of vodka with the awesome taste of bacon to make one really awesomely bad tasting beverage. So it'll not only get you drunk but will make you go kosher as well.
The Nonalcoholic Equivalent: Licking a sweaty pig
Benefits of Drinking the Virgin Version: For once, you're making a pig happy.
Source: Roine Magnusson/The Image Bank/Getty Images
For this drink, it isn't so much the beverage that''s the kicker. It's the chaser. It's the alcoholic equivalent of chugging a beer and getting kicked in the nuts immediately afterwards.
African tribes of the Maasai drink this stuff because, well, it'll get you really drunk (I'm certain this hard fact of humanity will help bring about world peace or the most destructive war in history). The way they wash it down is by poking a hole in a cow and drinking whatever bodily fluid comes out of it, mainly blood. And the funny part is that they drink this stuff to counteract their hangover. I'll stick with praying for death, thank you very much.
The Nonalcoholic Equivalent: Licking a sweaty pig
Benefits of Drinking the Virgin Version: You're still making the pig happy and making that snooty cow jealous at the same time.
Source: Sheridan Stancliff/FoodPix/Getty Images
Nothing confuses me more than watching snooty wine clubs sip gallons of high-end wine, swishing it around their mouths and spitting it into a bucket. It's such a fine waste of a good, sturdy bucket.
There are people in the world, however, who would choose the wine in the bucket over the wine in the bottle. Go to Peru to see it for yourself, where the locals drink a homebrew that’s made from maize that’s chewed up in a human's mouth and spit out into the final product. At least you'll be so drunk that you won't realize you've frenched every brewmaster in the Land of the Incas.
The Nonalcoholic Equivalent: Eating movie popcorn
Benefits of Drinking the Virgin Version: You don't really want to know, do you?
2. Smoker's Cough
Source: Image Source/Getty Images
It's hard to find the origins or even the inventor of this unholy shot. That's because he'd probably be brought on up health endangerment charges by the United Nation's World Health Organization.
This shot consists of two ingredients: Jägermeister and mayonnaise. It's called “Smoker's Cough” because the phrase “The Devil's Ballsack” had already been patented by a grunge band in Seattle.
The Nonalcoholic Equivalent: A raw egg
Benefits of Drinking the Virgin Version: It will feel the same way and taste the same way except you won't die.
1. The Sourtoe Cocktail
Have you ever said to yourself, “This tastes like feet”? Meet the only food or drink in the world where that phrase can be taken literally.
The Sourdough Saloon in the Yukon Territory serves up this traditional beverage with just three ingredients: a shot glass, a yummy serving of neat whiskey, and an actual preserved human toe. And no, it's not a fake toe or an olive painted to look like one no matter how many times you pray to yourself that it is when you're drinking it. It's an actual shriveled, dried-up human toe that bar attendees kick back as a garnish, and the weird part is that more than 65,000 people have tried it. It's the Yukon, so what else are they going to do? Ride their dog sled to the Dave and Buster's?
The Nonalcoholic Equivalent: Preserving a friend's severed toe in your mouth on the way to the hospital
Benefits of Drinking the Virgin Version: He owes you, big time.