Every guy’s dream man cave has all of the following: a Scotchgarded stripper pole, a 24-hour Jiffy Lube, and a fully stocked, fully functional bar. And even if you manage to build your own personal castle, it still isn’t complete until your detailed reproduction of “Moe’s Tavern” has each of the following.
Source: Nisian Hughes/Stone/Getty Images
By Danny Gallagher
10. Rapid Beverage Chiller
Nothing ruins a perfect night of drinking more than the taste of a lukewarm libation passing through your lips, down your throat, and directly into your soul. It can really ruin your palate and not even a steel wool tongue scraper and a whole case of Windex can rid your taste buds of that awful memory.
If you’re having trouble keeping enough ice on hand to keep your frosty cold ones cold and/or frosty, what you really need is a rapid cooling device. A really good one can chill an entire bottle of booze in five minutes and a single beer bottle or can in less than one minute. It not only helps you fully enjoy the crisp, clean taste of alcohol in all of its cold smoothiness, but just like your gold plated Hummer, it can also tell global warming to go f*** itself.
9. The Clicker Remote
Source: The Clicker Company
Having only two hands is the drinker’s curse. Two just isn't enough to handle all of the drink dispensing doodads, hooch gizmos and drunken whatadayacallthems. Why couldn’t God have given us at least one more arm? That would definitely come in handy when you’re playing the Oakland Raiders drinking game. Having to do shots every time one of them gets a personal foul or a fan commits felony assault can drive you into a coma if you don’t change the channel in time.
The makers of the “Clicker” have the solution. It’s a universal remote that works on just about any television and it has a bottle opener built into it, so you’re not constantly fumbling for the remote, the bottle opener, and a fresh brew. The only way it could be cooler is if they developed a beer bottle that could not only operate your TV, but also open itself.
8. The Liquor Lock
Source: Sporty's Mens Collection
Face it, you like having your friends over for a drink or seven but they also got their Ph.D in mooching with a master’s degree in freeloading. It’s nearly impossible to keep your liquor cabinet fully stocked with high quality booze when they are emptying it faster than your bladder at a nickel beer night ballgame.
So lock those bad boys up with a bottle combination lock that actually protects your finer hooch from the thirsty mouths of your friends who are too cheap to buy their own stuff. Not only will they have to know the combination to unlock your finest bottle of vodka or Courvoisier, but chances are they will have already gone through all your cheap stuff and don’t possess the motor skills or the cognitive facilities needed to understand such complex concepts as “numbers” or “memory.”
7. Self-Refrigerating Beer Server
Drinking is supposed to be relaxing, but it’s hard to enjoy your favorite brew when you’re constantly getting up and running to your mini-fridge for one of your drunken friends who may or may not throw up if he stands up too fast.
Instead of hiring an indentured servant to walk that five extra feet to the bar or developing friends with stronger digestive systems, why not let technology go on a beer run for you? This robot from Japan not only cracks open and pours you a beer, but it also keeps them cold in its personal cooled container. The only way it could be better is if it came with a lifetime warranty that guaranteed it would still serve the humans during the inevitable robot uprising.
6. The Bottom Filling Beer Dispenser
Nothing is more annoying to a seasoned beer drinker than having to fight through an Earth’s core-sized layer of foam to get to the magic core of heaven juice.
This beer dispenser not only pours the perfect pour every time you flick it on, but it harnesses the awesome power of magic to fill your beer glass through the bottom. It’s a brilliant and some would say puzzling method of perfecting the perfect pour and eliminating man’s least favorite form of “head.”
5. The Beer Cannon
When it comes to seasoned drinkers, no one has it worse than the college dorm dweller. Not only do they have a hard enough time sneaking the sweet stuff past their snooty RA who takes his lack of a regular sex life out on anyone under him (irony!), but the tiny refrigerator makes it impossible to navigate through it for your favorite brand without popping a vertebra.
That’s why every drinker who has to suffer through shuffling through tiny beer fridges needs this beer-launching robot. The dorm buddies who created it not only programmed their fridge to shoot them a brew whenever they want one, but they even taught it how to pick out and toss them a can of their favorite brand. The best part is its all operated by remote. I’m sure the next operating system upgrade includes teaching it to run to the nearest the store for beer runs and helping their operator hit on the honey behind the counter through a Skype hookup.
4. The Bicycle Bar
Beer can pack on a lot of calories, especially if the only exercise you get is yelling at your friend to get you the bendy straw instead of the straight one for your next round.
That’s what makes this next mobile bar such a genius addition to any armchair bartender. Not only is this watering-hole-on-the-go completely mobile, but it goes from drunk to drunk on a bicycle. So not only can you knock back your favorite brewski where ever you go, but you can also knock off the calories after you drink it. That’s assuming, of course, that your bulbous beer belly doesn’t get caught in the chain.
3. Drinkable Wall-Art
Source: The Cool Hunter
Bar builders don’t have much flexibility when it comes to developing a distinct decorative style. You can throw up a dart board on the wall, stick an old fashioned jukebox in the corner, or plaster the place in beer ads featuring scads of scantily-clad ladies inviting you to join them for a long tall drink from their fountains of pleasure with their non-verbal visions of beauty and boobies...and I totally just forgot the point of this set-up.
Oh right, a German artist found a very unique way to give any bar a look that doesn’t immediately remind your friends of every Cheers episode they have ever seen. This stylish line of wall decor also dishes out tasty cocktails that don’t require an art history degree to enjoy. These simple works of multicolored art can not only brighten up any room, but they can also dull the senses of your guests at the same time.
Drinking is fun, but it’s infinitely more enjoyable when you have an activity to gauge your level of drunkenness, not counting your high school SATs.
Introducing the Arkeg, a life-size video game arcade cabinet that not only helps the drunken gamer hearken back to the days when arcades sucked scads of quarters out of their pockets but also helps them forget their inevitable mortality by getting them completely plastered. That’s because the cabinet contains a chilled beer keg that dispenses cold brewskis while you try and rack up the highest Galaga score before you yak all over it and your friend asks you to leave (which still should technically count as a “high score.”)
Source: Jan Greune/LOOK/Getty Images
The only way female breasts could be more inviting and enthralling to the average shallow male is if they dispensed your favorite beer or highly potent potable. Then again, strippers make enough money these days off of gullible drunks like you and me.
Still, if you keep asking God to grant you this one wish in lieu of world peace or a cure for all known flesh-eating diseases, you can finally start praying for those other things. This strap-on beverage keg not only spits out beer and other beverages with the force of your favorite gravity-infused beer bong, it also allows you to suckle it out of man’s true best friends without getting slapped with a restraining order or having to report to court-ordered female sensitivity training “sober this time.”