The Ultimate Lazy Man's Guide to Watching the Super Bowl

February 2, 2012

This Sunday, you may have a team to root for or against after the opening kickoff. You may have a couple of bucks or your child's college tuition fund riding on the point spread. You may even actually care who is performing at the halftime show (and we pity you).

There's a reason the Super Bowl is one of the most watched moments in all of television each year. Even people who don't understand the game of football find an excuse to go to a party or throw one at their house. There exists a singular force that links all of the eyeballs watching the big game into one whole entity across the globe: the human drive to sit in one spot and move as little as possible.

It's a sacred American, blue collar tradition to spend the other 364 days of the year slaving away at something whether its a job, deep frying a turkey for the folks or chopping down a large Christmas tree for the kiddies. Super Bowl Sunday doesn't require any of these traditions, except to sit on your bean-bag chair sized butt and enjoy the game along with a few adult libations and some cheese battered deep fried cheese battered in deep fried cheese. Here's some ways to get the most out of the game by doing the least amount of physical effort as possible.

There's a Party Going On and Everyone's Invited

Whether you're playing a playoff game to a packed stadium or a rousing round of Risk where the stakes include a night with your opponent's girlfriend, it's always nice to have the home field advantage.

The same principle applies to a Super Bowl party. It's better to have a watch party at a place where you know the layout of the land so you can lay out as much as possible.

Your friends and family will be more than willing to let you trash your own place and you get the advantage of being in a setting where you know you can sit in the comfiest chair in the palace without fear of being rude or discourteous to the host and/or hostess. It also gives you more control over the organization of the party and all the goodies that go with it to maximize your non-efficiency quotient.

Find Your Favorite Chair and Glue Yourself To It

This one sounds like the biggest piece of no-brainer advice since your future father-in-law told you before your wedding to keep your eyes on the bride and off of her super hot bridesmaids. However, just like that piece of immortal advice that put the fear of God into you through the man from whom you stole his little girl, it can't be said enough.

The more energy your body expands through muscles you didn't even know you had can amp up your endorphins and give you more and more excuses to get out of your favorite TV watching chair, walk to another room in the house or even (may God perish the thought) go outside during the course of the game. You should resist every urge to get out of your favorite chair and give your legs a good stretch unless its absolutely necessary. The Super Bowl is made for lazy people because even the commercials are entertaining enough to stomach without using them as an excuse to waste energy by going to the fridge or giving your legs more than a comforting stretch. If you want to maximize your laziness throughout the game, stay as immobile as possible and only get up if you need to get another beer, use the facilities or reach for a phone to dial 911 as the frozen chicken wings send you into cardiac arrest.

Sugar is Your Friend

Sweets like donuts and chocolate might not sound like a manly addition to a Super Bowl party platter but if you're looking to mellow out and reduce your body's natural urge to move around, the only thing better than sugar is a strong dose of black tar heroin (and heroin really doesn't go well with Tabasco flavored hot wings).

A big teaspoon of sugar might give you a quick boost of hyperactive energy, but it can drain you pretty quick. And since most refined sugars come from sleep inducing carbohydrates, the combination can send your blood sugar soaring and that in turn can reduce your brain's production of orexin, the neuropeptide that regulates your level of energy and general sleepiness. Proteins can have the opposite effect.

So the real trick is maintaining a perfect balance that gives you enough energy to enjoy the game without conking out entirely and turning yourself into a drooling, snoring mess by halftime. Besides, you'll have a hard enough time trying not to doze off during the halftime show.

Keep the Tasty Treats Near You

Any kind of physical activity can ruin the good sloth buzz you've been slowly building up throughout the game. In fact, the slightest movement to the fridge for a quick cold beer can burn that bastard off by the time your butt backs down into your Barcalounger.

The average Super Bowl party spread can pack more than 3,000 calories into your system and you'll need everyone of them if you want to fully enjoy the experience of not moving during the most important sporting event of the year.

The easiest solution is to keep your spread close to the area where you plan to spread out for the majority of the game. If your favorite chair is right in front of the TV, load up on all the treats you hope to consume before the game and keep it on a TV tray or coffee table next to you. Even a fully stocked cooler with your favorite sugary and alcohol fortified beverages can save you from expounding wasted energy with trips to the fridge or, even worse, on a dreaded beer run. This not only will keep you from moving in any major capacity, but you'll also eliminate any extra expulsion of sugar and carbs by not having to hold the plate or your beverage with your hands. You don't even need to get up for a bottle opener, now that some remote controls actually come with one.

Let Beer Be the Wind Beneath Your Wings

Alcohol consumption during sporting events is more than just a hallowed tradition that dates back to the spotted livers of our forefathers. It's a strategy.

Sure a well timed round of beers can help the sadness of a heartbreaking loss go down smooth or dissolve the natural inhibitions to rub a satisfying win in the face of your enemies. Alcohol can also help you relax more during some of the more thrilling moments of a close game so you're not pumping too much adrenaline into the system and get the urge to run 20 blocks with your team's logo painted on your chest to celebrate the win.

More importantly, it disrupts the sleep patterns that we humans take for granted. Beer may reduce the amount of time it takes to fall asleep, but it also reduces the ability to go back to sleep once the pattern has been interrupted. So you get the benefit of feeling tired and relaxed but without being completely knocked out, unless of course you polish off an entire keg by the second half. The only laziness you can enjoy will either be in the rusty cot of a holding cell or the warm recesses of a hospital bed. At least the latter doesn't require wasted energy walking back and forth to the bathroom.

Danny Gallagher is a freelance writer, reporter, humorist and slothologist.

Photo: Michael Cogliantry/The Image Bank