Six Steps to Fool a Girl into Thinking You're A Pro Athlete

September 21, 2009

Do you know who gets laid a lot? Pro athletes. They're good looking, rich, have easy access to the best paternity lawyers in the country, and beautiful women with low self-esteem are willing to do just about anything just to get one into bed. So, why not take advantage? Simply follow the steps below and start getting laid like a quarterback without the pesky million dollar contract or athletic ability.

1. Pick An Appropriate Sport to Lie About Playing - If you’re a 5-foot-8 computer engineer, it may be difficult to pass as an NFL linebacker. However, posing as a Formula One racecar driver should work. Those guys are fairly small and largely unrecognizable outside of Europe.

2. Develop a Feel-Good Back Story
– Talk about growing up on the farm playing catch with your Dad, dreaming about the day he’d be watching you do it in the majors. Or let her know about how you and your little brother with cancer grew up idolizing Manchester United, and that every game you play for them you still wear the socks he bought you for Christmas when he was 11-years-old.

3. Have One of Your Friends Come to the Bar and Ask for an Autograph – Get a buddy to interrupt your conversation and request your John Hancock. Then explain to her how you don’t like being recognized in public, but love being able to meet your fans.

4. Casually Mention Your Fictitious, Yet Huge Salary in an Endearing Way– Try a phrase like, “They're paying me $9 million a year, so sometimes I guess I just feel a lot of pressure to live up to the hype,” or the more sympathetic “My friends from back home mean so much to me. Once you sign a $122 million contract a lot of fake people start coming out, so it’s nice to hang out with friends who knew me before all the money and fame.”

5. Create a Fake Injury - Not only will it make you seem dangerous, but it will also provide that extra bit of credibility to close the deal. (Plus as an added bonus, no girl expects a guy who injured his back on the winning drive of the Super Bowl to be too active in bed. She’ll be more than happy to do all the work. Which brings us to the final point…
6. Sleep With Her – That’s what pro athletes do. Just ask any one of Shawn Kemp’s 18 illegitimate children.

Now go get 'em, champ!

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