The Top 10 Places To Get It On

September 20, 2008

Sometimes the bedroom won't do for doing it.  Sometimes it does, but sometimes you wanna get down and dirty in the backseat of a car while it leaps through a hoop of flames at the halftime show during the Rose Bowl.  That example, it turns out, ends badly.  But no worries, I've mapped for you here a compendium of destinations for dirty deeds.  Hit the jump for the top ten places to get it on.

10. At Work


This is perhaps the most financially risky move.  I would equate it to sitting at the 100 dollar blind table as opposed to the nickel slots.  You gotta have nerve and flexibility.  And it helps to have a financial cushion in case your gamble doesn't come to fruition in a sweaty exaltation so much as it does in crushing feelings of loss, screams of protest, and an armed escort off the premises. 

9. At the Zoo


Right off the bat, let's stay out of the cages, okay?  Okay.  The thing about the zoo is that it gets at your caveman side of doin' it in nature - ripping her fig leaves asunder and perpetuating the species.  There's little quite so arousing as screwing to save yourself and your species.  Also: you get cotton candy afterward! 

8. In a Library


The largest erogenous zone in your entire body is your brain.  That means smart girls are super, super horny all the time.  That's a Science Fact.  The largest zone in my body is not my brain, but that's a subject for an entirely different site.  But, for most, what better way to get the steam billowing than in the dim, warm light of your local university library?  This is especially true considering that every librarian in the history of humankind is horny, voracious, and becomes unthinkably hot with the removal of her horn rimmed glasses (which is usually accompanied by 2 to 3 buttons bursting off her white blouse).  

7. In a Moving Car


Another location that is not totally legal, and hence, totally awesome, getting busy in a moving vehicle has a few permutations of coincidental danger and enjoy-ability.  The first, obviously, is road head.  Not to be confused with this.   It's best to drive on uncomplicated streets.  The less you can focus on signaling, turning, stopping or otherwise maneuvering your vehicle, the more you can focus on maneuvering your drive shaft. The other, of course, is chauffeured in either a limo or taxi - doubling your pleasure with a viewership.

6. On a Rooftop


Living on the edge ain't just an Aerosmith song.  It's also a phrase that illustrates the life and death nature - the thrilling highs in the face of the not-so-thrilling fall to a low - that one gets screwing on scaffolding.  There's a voyeuristic factor, too, depending on the height of your building.  I'd suggest something over 10 stories for roof sex, otherwise the vertigo doesn't really kick in and put you over the figurative tipping point.  Try not to die.

5. In a Water Slide


Missy "Misdemeanor" Elliot, who doesn't want any one minute man, for all her sexual prowess, is either unable or unwilling to commit this feat of speed and agility.  The waterslide wiggle, as I've dubbed it, is a maneuver that is frowned upon by the establishment (in this case, lifeguards) and heralded by the people for free and unfettered f***ing (in this case, me).  Start training on an opaque slide, and make your way to the more advanced track shown above. 

4. In Earshot


Getting seen not your scene?  Well maybe you scale it back by just one sense and let those around you hear your flesh symphony.  This is an especially effective technique if you're, say, trying to arrange a threesome with your lady's inexperienced yet sexually curious roomie.  "Sound fun, Michelle?  Shhh, my dove.  Let us show you."

3. At a Theme Park


Be careful standing in front of funhouse mirrors.  You'll want to make sure the correct areas of her body are ballooned and/or constricted.  And think of the bounce castle possibilities!  The theme park, too, allows you to hybridize your humping with other venues' amenities.  You can do the rollercoaster romp in the same time as a waterslide ride?  Either way you get cotton candy just like the zoo. 

2. In the Air


Get it up higher than usual by engaging in FAA restricted opportunities that don't involve cigarettes until after.  Be careful, though, as airborne erotica is illegal.  You would, if caught, likely be charged with something like outraging public decency which sounds much cooler than the fine is. Your best bet is to bring along a partner on a red eye, though finding a willing participant en route isn't out of the question. 

1. Under the Sea


In front of Ariel, probably while she's touching her mer-self.  I'm not exactly sure how that works, I'm not an aqua-doctor, but I do happen to know that undersea habitation is a very real thing, and, failing that, a hot tub will suffice.