The Top Seven Shamelessly Sexual Video Games

March 19, 2009

Video games aren’t very sexy. So when game developers try to flip that notion on its head, it usually ends in hilarity and shame. I mean, hilarity for us, but shame for them. Keep that in mind as you slide through these seven shamelessly sexual video games.

Source: Mike Diver/Stone/Getty Images

7. Beat ‘Em & Eat ‘Em

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Source: Mystique

The concept is simple and something you and I can both relate to. The protagonist of this story is a man standing on top of a building jerkin’ the gherkin. You control the women below him, and the object is to move them into position in order to slurp up his man juices. I guess you could call the women the protagonist, but that seems a bit too much of an avant-garde exploration of P.O.V. for Beat ‘Em & Eat ‘Em, frankly.

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6. Strip Fighter 2

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Source: Games Express

This Street Fighter knockoff – or should we call it an artificial enhancement – takes the classic one-on-one 2D fighter and puts some gigantic boobs in it. Kick and punch your way through your opponent and her mighty, digitized chesticles until you’ve climbed to the top of a pile of weary, sweaty, somewhat bruised strippers. This game rocks.

5. Panty Raider: From Here to Immaturity

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Source: Hypnotix

The concept here is a pretty plausible one. A group of aliens is shipped a lingerie catalogue from our planet by mistake. After they have spanked it in zero gravity until they could spank it in zero gravity no more, they come to Earth to get more pictures of naked women. You play a man who is commissioned by the aliens to get girls to take their clothes off and pose.

4. Leather Goddesses of Phobos 2: Gas Pump Girls Meet the Pulsating Inconvenience from Planet X!

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Source: Activision

The plot thins here. In this installment of the Leather Goddesses series, the Leather Goddesses have given up trying to enslave Earth. They’ve found Planet X (the heretofore undiscovered 10th planet in our universe) and are sexually enslaving its population. For some reason, this is not awesome, and you can play as a disenfranchised citizen of Planet X, or either of two Earthlings he recruits to fight the good fight against the Leather Goddesses.

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3. Bone Town

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Source: Bone Town

Welcome to Bone Town. It’s kind of like Grand Theft Auto but without all that non-violence and superfluous car theft. The point of this game is to shag a ton of dames and thereby increase the size of your balls. It’s like living on the Jersey Shore. Also, Ron Jeremy guest stars in it! Here's a video:

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2. Sexy Beach 3

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Source: Illusion

Sexy Beach 3 is the bare bones (get it? bones like erections...) version of a sexualized video game.  It is exactly as subtle as the parenthetical joke in the last sentence.  The point is to use your disembodied phantom hand to dress and then jiggle the lady parts of the girls in the game. How do you win? By jiggling lady parts.  How do you lose?  Same way. Surprise: this is an import from Japan.

1. Battle Raper II

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Source: Illusion

Dude, Battle Raper II is the definitive rape game, in my honest opinion.  Not only did it revolutionize the genre, but it took all of the (sometimes legitimate) criticisms of the critics of Battle Raper I into consideration, then solved them quite elegantly.  Well, except for the whole "making a game centered around rape" thing.

Raping has never been so easy and had so few frame stutters. In other news, I just threw up.

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