Politics is one of the few industries in which a considerable lack of smarts and fancy book learnin' can actually be listed as a special skill on a resume. It might not get in the way of remembering how to sign your name on a bill that makes fetuses pay higher taxes, but it can get you in trouble if your reproductive organs take over for your brain.
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10. Bob Barr’s “Whippedgate”
Say what you will about Bill Clinton and his never-ending battle with his pants, but at least his series of torrid affairs didn’t involve shoving his flabby face into a mountain of condiment-covered cleavage. Rep. Bob Barr, however, already has that task crossed off of his bucket list.
The man who helped lead the impeachment charge against Clinton in the '90s was caught on camera licking whipped cream off the breasts of a very buxom woman. Normally such behavior wouldn’t raise more than an eyebrow, but when the seedy photos surfaced (as they tend to do in D.C.), Barr’s excuse was that it took place a charity event. Call me clinically cuckoo, but if licking Cool Whip off of boobies was done for charity, I’m pretty sure we would have a cure for cancer by now.
9. Barney Frank’s “Escortgate”
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This Massachusetts Democrat has helped lead the charge for gay rights by becoming the first U.S. Congressmen to openly disclose his homosexuality. He has also proven the equality between straight and gay Americans by showing that they can be just as boneheaded when it comes to sex as anyone.
Frank hired the services of Stephen Gobie, a male escort in the late 1980s. That’s nothing new or shocking. D.C. madams have an express lane built into their businesses for Congressmen (15 whores or less).
Frank then hired the escort as his personal driver, despite the fact he had a record. Frank also used his position on Capitol Hill to get rid of some tickets for the man. However, he hit the D.C. Whore Daily Double when Frank found out Gobie had been running a prostitution ring out of his apartment. When Frank found out, he fired him and Gobie leaked the whole mess to the press. The House brought Frank up on ethics charges, led by Idaho representative and future “Dumbest Political Sex Scandal” list member Larry Craig.
8. Larry Craig’s “Gloryholegate”
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If some politician gets caught doing something sexy and stupid and admits his mistake, then I’m willing to give him a little rope. Craig not only took that extra bit of rope, but he fashioned it into a noose and hung himself with it.
The staunch anti-gay rights advocate got caught trying to solicit a sexual act in a Minnesota airport men’s room from an undercover cop with the worst assignment, next to the bunco squad posing as penguins in heat to take down an Antarctic poaching ring. Craig submitted a plea of guilty to the misdemeanor charge in the hopes it would never come to light, but when the press got a hold of it, Craig denied the charges and went back on his plea even though his case had been closed with a $500 fine. He’s still trying to appeal his plea, which basically means he’s trying to overturn himself. Well if he could do that, maybe he wouldn’t have tried to solicit sex in a bathroom stall.
7. Bob Packwood’s “Diarygate”
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The last thing any whore-baiting politician should do is keep a record of their visits for some nosy reporter to find. Packwood, the most appropriately named U.S. politician since Dick Cheney, didn’t just keep a record of his sexual encounters. He had his own blog on it, before blogs were more than just a gibberish word uttered by drunken leprechauns.
The Oregon Republican was a notorious skirt hound who chased more tail than a coked-up German Shepherd. Not only did he grope, pinch, and emotionally disgust 10 women, he also kept a diary of his naughty ways that ended up getting subpoenaed and probably would've gotten him expelled from the Senate if he hadn’t resigned on his own. His diaries scored an extra dose of creepy when you learned that Packwood actually fancied himself as some sort of super-stud who thought all the ladies he manhandled just looooved him. Yeah, nothing says “super sexy” like a 60-year-old guy with flappy, St. Bernard jowls that can power a f***ing sailboat.
6. Wilbur Mills’ “Fannegate”
Source: United States Congress
Political sex scandals are as grand of an American tradition as the Krispy Kreme Cheeseburger, only not as embarrassing if you’re caught indulging yourself with one in public.
Mills learned that lesson in the early 1970s when he was caught cavorting with a burlesque dancer and stripper named Fanne Fox, aka “the Argentinian Firecracker.” A police officer pulled him over for drunk driving near the Tidal Basin on the Potomac River and Mrs. Fox panicked and tried to jump into the river in a half-drunken stupor. She survived, but Mills’ career took a nose dive off an Olympic diving board and landed head first in an empty pool.
5. Jerry Springer’s “Checkgate”
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Believe it or not, there was a time when talk show legend Jerry Springer wasn’t interviewing midget prostitutes or housewives who became prostitutes. He was paying for them.
Springer actually had a very bright future as a career politician in the early 1970s as a councilman and mayor of Cincinnati, but all of that came to a halt when word surfaced that he had hired a prostitute and paid for their session with a personal check. He could have been a guest on his own talk show if the laws of time and space had a better sense of humor (“People Who Pay for Sex with Paper Goods, next Springer!”).
4. Eric Massa’s “Snorkelgate”
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When a politician or self-serving head of state gets caught with his tongue tied around a man or a woman that isn’t their spouse, one can only hope that they’ve learned their lesson. However, in Eric Massa’s case, I would have rather not learned anything at all.
The longtime Democratic rep excused himself from the House when several of his young male staffers accused him of physically groping and touching them in a house he shared with them because they couldn’t afford their own place on the salary he provided. When the story broke, even shipmates from Massa’s Navy days accused him of pulling the same stunts including a sexual technique called “snorkeling” that can only be described as “not a fun watersports activity.”
3. John Edwards’ “Babymamagate”
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Edwards had a political career that most wide-smiling, hurricane-proof-hairstyle-sporting, all-American males could only dream about. He may have lost a chance to be vice president in 2008, but he was the odds-on favorite to become Barack Obama’s running mate until the proverbial s*** hit the fan, then broke into little tiny pieces where they were flung into more smaller, appropriately placed fans.
The former Senator and Presidential candidate not only got caught cheating with a filmmaking aide in his campaign, but he also fathered a baby with her while his wife was undergoing serious cancer treatments. When stories about the affair and the baby broke, he resoundingly denied them, only to have to face the truth, which had beaten his public image down to that of a vampire IRS auditor.
2. Mark Foley’s “Sextgate”
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Some politicians leave unintended trails of their wrongdoing that lead right up to the scene of the crime. Mark Foley didn’t just drop a trail of breadcrumbs to his seedy deeds. He also rented neon signs, printed directions off Mapquest, and fired industrial strength flares to his naughty no-nos.
The six-term rep from Florida ousted himself from his seat after text messages and instant online messages surfaced that contained some rather suggestive phrases to underage male pages. His salacious “sexts” included such testicle-shrinking phrases as “did you spank it this weekend yourself” and “well I have aa (sic) totally stiff wood now.” He may not have had to face any criminal charges, but one can only hope he also got hit with some heavy roaming charges.
1. Bill Clinton’s “Anythingthatmovesgate”
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Anyone can understand why men in such powerful and important positions stray from their marriages. It’s a high stress environment with a status that borders on Greek god in some pie-eyed, naive interns’ eyes. It may not be morally justifiable, but at least it gets them to admit that they are titans of the human race, whether they are on the left or right side of the political aisle. They aren’t born leaders chosen by some self-proclaimed divine intervention or crusaders of overrated political philosophies. They are just like the rest of us: lusty, tempted, and (God forbid) human.
Bill Clinton, on the other hand, needed to be tied down to something heavy. If you aren’t sure as to why the 42nd president is on this list, you might want to see if the DSL line in your cave isn’t on the fritz. His string of flirtatious encounters, multiple mistresses, and downright animal behavior in the face of common decency could've prompted an intervention with Wilt Chamberlain and Tiger Woods. He's reportedly had more than any man’s fair share of mistresses and girlfriends outside of his marriage, a problem that became so well know that his wife actually had to intervene and keep women out of his line of sight, such as one instance where Sharon Stone was set to visit the White House.
To make matters worse, he left evidence of his naughty habits in just about every nook and cranny, short of leaving a signed confession with samples of his easily confirmed DNA all over it. Facets of his private life from the infamous blue dress to his strange infatuation with cigars have become staples of popular culture party talk and safety net punchlines for Jay Leno monologues. His philandering ways have left an indelible mark on the nature of politics and sex that couldn’t be removed with the world’s entire supply of Scotchguard (try not to let that metaphor sink in too much).